December 28, 2009

Things That Make Me A Bad Boyfriend: I Cry At Movies

Here's another thing about me that a lot of girls say they want in a boyfriend, but haven't really thought through: I cry at movies. Often.

I know you complain about how you want a guy who's unafraid of showing his emotional side, but until you hear my soft whimpering next to you on the couch when we get to the end of whatever romantic comedy we've decided to watch, you might want to be careful what you ask for.

The weird thing is that it's getting worse with age. I've always been a little teary-eyed at movies, but lately, the dumbest, weirdest shit will bring on the waterworks. Hell, a month ago I cried at a Walmart commercial. I'm totally not an over-emotional person and I don't cry at regular everyday life shit, but for some reason, if it's on the TV, it's fair game.

The absolute worst are the movies involving submarines. There's always that one scene in the movie where the water is filling up in the room and they're all trying to get out before the door shuts. Inevitably, there's always one guy who gets left behind in the room and he can't escape. Then you have the dude on the other side of the door shouting things like, "I'm so sorry!" as the room fills up with water. Hollywood has been writing variations of this scene for 50 years now and it turns me into an emotional mess every time.

In your imagination, maybe the crying you're picturing is a single tear dripping down my cheek wiped away tenderly. But what do you do when there's like 50 tears and then there's Kleenex involved? And if we're talking about the series finale of Six Feet Under, we're talking BOXES of Kleenex.

And then, of course, there will come a time when I'm crying at a movie and YOU'RE not. This has already happened more times than I'd like to admit in past relationships and it ranks pretty high on the humiliation scale.

So if you're tough as nails, or can't handle me sobbing my way through another John Cusack movie*, you might just have to cross my name off your list as a potential boyfriend.

*Note: I did cry at the most recent John Cusack film, 2012, but only after realizing I got tricked into paying $12 to see one of the worst pieces of shit I've ever seen.


Justine said...

Phil, you can be my boyfriend just for using that picture of Dawson Leery.

Meg said...

I went to see 2012 (on the worst first date I've ever been on) with the express purpose of heckling.

It didn't disappoint. The only parts where we didn't heckle were when Danny Glover was on screen (because everyone knows that he was Samuel L. before Samuel L. was) and when the mom was screaming for the tiny Asian grandparents to please just save her kids (also, probably other parts similar to this that I can't remember)

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