December 28, 2009

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Black Towels

I've finally conquered my fear of showering at his place. My game plan is to keep my eyes focused on the ceiling to avoid any glimpses of the grimy, soapscummy underworld below. Seriously, it's like Blade Runner's movie set down there. I'm even willing to let him see me with ratty, wet hair. I'm ready to finally make this leap when he throws a curve ball at me. Actually, he tosses it to me: the dreaded black towel.

Sure, it might be clean. It could have been washed just yesterday. But it also could have never been washed and who would ever be the wiser? I happen to know for a fact your mom does all your laundry and you haven't been home in over a month.

Your black towel is like a vortex of dirt; it goes in, seemingly disappears, but still exists in there somewhere. I know the reasoning of many dudes is that if you're using a towel to dry yourself off when you're already clean, why would you need to wash it? The only clue to how clean it is is to smell it and I wouldn't DARE go there. It probably smells like a mixture of subway floor and dog's breath.

The black towel can be used dozens of times and still look brand new. You see this as the beauty of black towels. However, I see it as the main reason this will be the first and last shower I'll ever take at your place.

I'm not sure about the logic behind these black towels. You claim to be a relatively clean person so I'm hoping their purpose isn't to mask dirt. So what is it then? Are black towels supposed to represent masculinity? I understand if you don't want pink towels or even yellow, but do you realize they also make blue towels? If you opted for pink or yellow towels, I wouldn't judge you. I'd just assume that your mom bought them for you like everything else in your house that isn't a part of your computer.

You don't need black towels to compensate for that Bridget Jones DVD you have hiding behind the rest of your movies or the Taylor Swift songs at the top of your most played list in iTunes. In fact, I'm going to think MORE of you if you dispose of the two black towels you've been rotating for a solid 16 weeks now. Can you at least do that for me because drying off with them feels like I'm drying off with Burt's unibrow. And, that just makes me sad.


Phil said...

"Burt's unibrow"

I died.

bianca said...

My boyfriend has two towels: The normal one covers his wet ass five days a week... but for his girlfriend... and the sand: the beach towel.

Like the black towel, one cannot tell the beach towel's laundry history because the handler is blinded by the busy pattern and bright colored fish in the threads. The two reasons I don't give him a hard time? 1. It's the only towel in the house that simultaneously covers both the T&A 2. I like him.

miss bee said...

mmmm, we have a white towel that was once used to clean up a coffee spill over here. i mean, i know it's clean, but it still always just looks dirty.

i actually briefly considered new towels as his christmas present. then decided that was too much of a mom-present.

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