February 19, 2010

Little Known Fact: We Judge You Based On Your Netflix Habits

The second time we came over to your house, we noticed the Netflix envelope on the coffee table. It was looking pretty rough; the coffee rings and thin layer of dust told us that little guy has been hanging out for a while. "Hmmmm. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers." Whatever.

Flash forward to date number four. The same DVD is still on the coffee table in the exact place we saw it last. There are two more dusty discs on top of the DVD player. One is a random disc from the second season of Lost and the other is a pilates workout DVD. "Since when have you taken up pilates?" we asked.

"Oh, I got that out for, uh, my last girlfriend. I really should return those."

"Yeah, you really should," we agree, with a hint of sarcasm in our voice.

Guys who don't return their Netflix DVDs in a timely manner get on our nerves. Do you want us to pop 'em in the mailbox for you? Should we do your laundry while we're at it? Maybe chop up the food on your plate too? Get it together, man! We're the ones that lose out because when we come over to hang out you never have any good movies to watch.

If we suggest we watch something off Netflix on Demand to tide us over, we enter the barren, neglected land known as his Netflix ratings. You haven't rated a thing! They're suggesting 101 Dalmations and The Pink Panther 2 as movies you'll love. No ratings? There are algorithms that could expertly suggest quality movies that you are choosing to not employ. It's crazy! And, your queue looks like shit. There's four movies in there and half of them star Jean Claude Van Damme.

Why don't you just take your money, ball it up into a wad, and chuck it out the window. Netflix means nothing to you. You don't deserve those expert algorithms. You don't deserve them.

8 comments:

darreck said...

i agree. subscription services need to be attended to regularly. if you aren't watching cable or netflix or playing xbox360 online or using the internet or posting to flickr pro or downloading from napster you are just wasting money. My interaction with smitten kitten is purely casual and through a proxy but i hope these aren't all your experiences because you might wanna try a new way to meet companions.

Anonymous said...

How about we march down to the local video store and get something interesting. I'll pick up a bottle of champagne at the market while we're on our walk in the city evening. We don't need no stinkin' netflix dropped in the front-door slot. See you on my couch girl.

Phil said...

Damn, I like Anonymous' style.

Anonymous said...

I've watched Jean Claude Van Damme movies before with a boy! We laughed the whole time!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Phil, I like yours too fellow Richmond dude.

Anna said...

Darreck, I'm touched that you're concerned about the way I meet companions! I'm not gonna leave a guy over this issue, but it's fun to bust his balls about it.

And, I've watched Bloodsport on a first date with a guy. We ended up dating for almost a year and a half. Nothing wrong with JCVD. But, still.

pattypunker said...

i love a guy who is all anal about his netflix queue and ratings. it shows me he is on top of things, and better yet passionate about movies.

Eric E. said...

I'd like to give three cheers to the Free Library for their DVD collection!

Special mention goes to the full-season DVD box sets for premium cable TV shows, like Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Wire. Without the Free Library, I'd be even more culturally illiterate than my confusion over Lady GAGA would suggest.

The Library allows me to request DVDs online, pick-up and return them a block away, and renew them with little fuss. That's a lot for a little extra hand washing.

Speaking of microbes...the FBI believes that Stefani Germanotta's stage name is actually a message coded in DNA sequence. They suspect that Germanotta adapted the idea from Bruce Ivins, the principal suspect in the 2001 anthrax attacks. Apparently, Ivins enjoyed sending love letters coded in DNA sequence, such as "ATG seeking TAA for an extended Open Reading Frame."

Told of the FBI's suspicions, Simon Cowell quipped that Germanotta's unique title was just more "junk DNA."

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