March 1, 2010

Reader Submitted Bonerkiller: He Was Waaaaay Too Eager

From our reader, Jessica, who experienced this madness first-hand. Take it away, kiddo:
Everybody likes attention, I know I do. But there is definitely such a thing as too much too soon. Things started out okay; I got his friend request on Facebook, and even though I don't know him, I accepted it because he was kind of attractive. And, what's this? We work together? That's very interesting, I can't believe I'd never seen him before.
Oh my gosh, we had so many similar interests! He's seen Gogol Bordello live? He smokes a ton of weed? Me too! This is so refreshing because I feel like nobody else from work gets me. I'm starting to envision a friendship between us; the kind of friendship where we both want more. Maybe we can spend our lunch breaks together and it'll be just like we're Jim and Pam before they became boring and unlikable.
But, then he started texting me. How did he get my phone number? Oh, he just found it on my Facebook profile. Well, I guess that's okay. I mean, I did put it out there for everyone. He seriously texted me nonstop for an hour.
This is starting to feel like an interview. Why is he asking me about my sexual history and religious views? Can't we just stick to neutral subjects, like books and movies? The text he just sent me was three messages long. I replied with a single word. HOW DOES HE NOT GET IT?! "What is my philosophy on love?" Wow. Back off, man!
Okay. I'm going to try to ignore him for a while. I didn't look at my phone for the next three hours. FIVE NEW TEXTS AND A MISSED CALL?! Dude, this is Day One of our interactions! You just added me on Facebook this morning!
"r u mad at me or something?" Ignore. Awesome. You haven't texted me for an hour. I guess I'm in the clear. Time for me to smoke a bowl and get some sleep.
You, at 10:36 am: "goodmorning sunshine :)"
Me: "Isn't it a bit premature for good morning texts? You seriously need to cool it down."
You: "lmao"
You are obviously not my Jim. You ruined that fantasy before it had the chance to start. I guess I should thank you though, I mean at least I didn't have to meet you in person to figure it out.
I'm not really sure why guys do this. Maybe it's some caveman instinct where they're trying to toss an animal hide over your head and forcibly try to drag you back to their cave as their new possession?

This happened to me once except I met him at a party and after exchanging numbers, he texted me non-stop for almost two days. He didn't even have any new information to share with me; he'd just bombard me with irritating, pointless observations about his day. I ended up lying and telling him that I had boyfriend just to stop the insanity. Wanna share a story with us? Send it to hi@shmittenkitten.com. Let's get our Susan Powter on.

11 comments:

pattypunker said...

ha! he so changed his facebook profile after reading yours. stalker. and this was the funniest paragraph eva:
"I'm not really sure why guys do this. Maybe it's some caveman instinct where they're trying to toss an animal hide over your head and forcibly try to drag you back to their cave as their new possession?

Anonymous said...

If I got that many texts from somebody I was actually dating, I would ignore them, but a stranger? I'm not into playing games like purposely dragging something out for fun, but there really does need to be some waiting time to get to know a person (over a longer period of time than one day of annoying 20 questions texts) and add a little bit of intrigue. It's not my fault that a lifetime of TV viewing has made me crave the anticipation and eventual satisfaction of delay.

Eric E. said...

Standard male behavior.

Since the Kitten-in-Chief opened the door by mentioning cavemen, perhaps it'll be OK if I bring up that tired, worn-out dichotomy of men as hunters, women as gatherers.

As a man who's never texted, I can only imagine myself acting exactly like Jessica's wanna-be suitor: focused like a laser, relentless to the point of annoyance.

Generally speaking, I get fixated on goals and objectives as though I'm hunting prey. And there is no objective superior to a pretty young thing who might be single for only the next 5 minutes.

If a cheetah (and I'm not trying to imply that I'm either fast or sleek) chases after something warm and soft, he moves at top speed, until there's only wet fur and blood between his teeth. Otherwise, he finds a nice quiet spot on the savanna and just takes it easy.

I usually get over my obsessions after a while. But when I'm focused on an objective, it's all I can think about. An hour or two between text messages would seem like an eternity!

Anonymous said...

@ eric e.

u r stalker material dude

Anonymous said...

I've done it. It didn't work out. Obviously. But it was ages ago. Retrospectively, I suppose it stemmed from naivete, immaturity, and a general lack of "game." It's funny too, because that behavior generally produces the EXACT opposite results that I was going for. I don't do it now. I suppose growing up, learning from my mistakes, and, to be honest, not having met anyone I've been head over heels for has helped shape my current "game" or lack thereof. Some people just don't have the best sisters in the world as their romantic advisors. Let's blame it on that.

Phil said...

jessica! great submission!

Johnny Hugel said...

I've had the reverse happen to me. It's not just guys who know how to kill something before it starts.

Lora said...

Love this post. I had a dude send 26 text messages in one hour on the night I met him, all unanswered. But I also agree with Johnny - I've had to rip phones outta some of my girl friends' hands to prevent them from doing the same thing!

Sally said...

I've met that guy! I've also FB blocked that guy.

Gemma said...

The worst situation for me was when a guy wasn't quite THAT intense (at first), but rode the border between stalker and charmingly smitten just long enough to get a few dates in. The claws dug in deep. It was a one time big mistake, and it ended in him actually faking his own death in an attempt to show me what I was missing out on. Good. Lord.

This one sounds less psychotic, more socially inept.

tara said...

OMG...i'm in this exact situation right now. good morning and good night texts, pet names already, and he hasn't even met me yet. and to top it off, through some easy facebook stalking, i found out he JUST got out of a very long-term, we-lived-together relationship (the breakup was so recent i didn't even have to hit "see more" to find this out.) i asked him about it and he tried to blow it off...now i'm just trying to figure out how to cancel the date for good.

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