March 14, 2010

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Fucking Bike In His Fucking Hallway

I get that he rides a bike. Fine. That's great. However, I can't stand how this bike is always in my face as soon as I step through his door. It's the worst because his hallways are super narrow and passing by this bike feels like I'm in a Japanese subway car during rush hour. I gotta make sure my valuables are secured because I feel like the bike is trying to pickpocket me as I walk to the living room!

Without fail, the handlebars--or, as I like to call them, the ovary-impalers--jab at me as I squeeze by. The pedals stab at my shins like a midget ninja. I hate it! Fuck his fucking bike in his fucking hallway. 

I know there's no where else to stash it because we live in a city and it'd probably get stolen in about half a minute if he locked it to a tree outside, but it doesn't mean that I should have to endure this pat-down courtesy of his ten-speed. And, that just makes me sad.

16 comments:

Andrew said...

No locking to trees!

I've definitely appalled some ladies in my day with a briar patch of bicycles. Dudes could use help on this, and you could do a little paid endorsement work. Would you prefer a folding bike? How about the various bike storage options? Where's the page for how to Shmitten-Kitten-proof your lair?

Anna said...

Andrew, you raise some terrific points. I don't know what the answer is! My friend has his bike hanging from a nail on his wall, which is a bit better.

And, yes, there should be a definitive Shmitten Kitten guide to a dude's house. I'll get to work on that right away!

xoxo

Karoshi said...

Japanese subway car?
Midget ninjas?

Admit it: Asians make you sad.

Caroline said...

My man has 5 bikes. 5!

Anna said...

Sorry Karoshi, but ANYONE can be a ninja!

andrananana said...

This post makes me a little sad. Mostly because I think men who ride bikes are pretty sex. But to each her own, Anna, to each her own!

ps: my bike is in my hallway, I'll be sure to hide it should you ever crash.

Anonymous said...

Your problem is the narrow hallway, not the bike. Hopefully he's more likely to get rid of the former than the latter.

These, though, are awesome: http://bikestoragesolutions.net/ceiling-mounted-bike-lift-pulley-system/

Anna said...

This post was partially inspired by my roommate's ex who left his bike at our house for like, seven months. He kept promising to pick it up so we couldn't just throw it out. Our hallway was super narrow so I'd have to deal with his fucking bike all the time even though it was in my house.

Grrrrr!

Jacky said...

I'm currently a poor grad student and have a record going here... Every single item from "Things in His House That Make Me Sad" is in MY house.

And that just makes me sad.

Anonymous said...

Too many dudes who ride bikes treat them like a third party to the relationship. It's worse than a dude who's OCD about his band.

jimmy said...

who the fucks keeps bikes in the hallway? i've got a stockpile of bikes i ride and they're all stored out of the way in my 1 bedroom apartment. no impalement issues what so ever... and i'm so socially retarded i don't even get to have girls over!

melanie said...

You're forgetting the major perk of him having a bike in the hallway- it means he has a bike. Which means there can be bike dates! I'll risk impalement if it means we can cruise together through the darkened city, the wind in our hair/helmets, blinkee lights providing ambient lighting...

But then I have a bike in the hallway, and another in the living room... and there are like 5 other bikes in our house. I'm biased.

patrick said...

^ That's a keeper.

Allie said...

I totally agree, here. I had a fucking bike fall on my foot once. My foot! The goddamn pedal left big ol' scratches on my shin as it fell...God that was annoying!

Chris Beiser said...

Is this different from his regular bike in his regular hallway?

http://xkcd.com/90/

Anna said...

I see what you did there.

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