April 21, 2010
By Lauren Grant
There's just one problem: I can't stand your music.
I don't know if it's the lyrics (they're incomprehensible) or the tunes (or lack thereof), but your band makes Nickelback sound like the freaking Rolling Stones. I realize singing your own songs is a way of expressing yourself, but before you told me who inspired this song, I thought it was about HOV lanes and possibly buying printer cartridges at Office Depot. This chicken scratch is inspired by me? It's like the musical equivalent of hieroglyphics except I have a better chance of decoding ancient Egyptian symbols than discerning what the hell you're screaming about in this song.
And your voice is so lovely when you're singing along to the Beatles in the car. Why does it sound like you're possessed by a muppet when you're on stage? I'm half-expecting to look up at the balcony and see two old dudes heckling you about this awful music. I hope that a giant hook pops out from backstage and pulls you off so Kermit can introduce the guy who throws boomerang fish. I'd watch that over your band any day of the week.
Also, what do you expect me to tell my family when they ask what's the name of your band? My grandma found your MySpace page and all week she's been asking at a LOUD VOLUME where you got the name "Hot Carl & the Rusty Trombones" from. I finally told her you changed your name to Radiohead. She was less curious about that one.
I thought dating the lead singer of a band would be glamorous but it's been torture. I'm not sure this is going to work out. Oh well, there are plenty of other muppets in the sea.