April 21, 2010

Little Known Fact: I Would LOVE To Fix Your Brows

We have a date tonight. Before I see you, I'm going to go through an entire routine to make sure every inch of me is in tip top shape. I'll enter my bedroom at 5:30pm looking like a treasure troll and emerge at 7:30pm looking like Gisele. I'll bronze, buff, wax, and lather myself silly just so I can see your eyes light up when you see me walk into the living room. And I'll blow the last shreds of my paycheck on a too-tight dress because I know you like it that way.

You, on the other hand, will jump into the shower at 7:20pm, decide your stubble is "dashing" at 7:23pm, and sniff your favorite shirt before tossing it on at 7:27pm. Then, you'll tap your toe impatiently at 7:29pm when I'm not ready yet.

It takes TIME to look this fine, my friend. You're always pleasantly surprised by the outcome, so slow your roll with the impatience. You're a dude; of course it takes you two shakes to be ready. But you know, there are things you can do to make yourself look even more fly. No, no, I love the old shirts and the 5 o'clock shadow. I'm talking about the homage to the Grinch on your forehead; those Uncle Sam brows need to go. And oddly enough, I would be tickled pink to do the honors.

As a girl, I take pride in my ability to beautify things. I will gladly hover uncomfortably close to your face, my tongue poking out of the corner of my mouth, as I handle those tweezers like a Jedi eyebrow master. Give me five minutes and VOILA, a work of art that is neither Groucho Marx nor Jersey Shore juicehead. You have the perfect man-brows now. You're welcome.

So don't be afraid to ask. And, don't go trying to fix them on your own. We all know what could go wrong there.


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