July 29, 2010

Bonerkiller: Loud Chewers

From our reader Ruby, who CAN'T STAND chew chumps:
Loud chewers are one of my biggest pet peeves, ever ever ever. Where did he learn this behavior? It's as quiet as outer space when his mom eats. Why didn't she correct him when he was a child? He's 25 now and this should've been nipped in the bud a while ago. Between the lip smacking and finger licking. the acoustics of his mouth are impressive. I can literally hear his body turning solid food into a paste. And, I get to hear what that paste sounds like as he moves it all around his mouth. It's the worst. 

It annoys me so much that I have to pause while I'm eating to see if he's chewing loudly on purpose. For the most part, he is doing it subconsciously. Sometimes he will think he's funny and do it louder to fuck with me. "Ha ha," I'll say out loud. This joke would be way funnier if it wasn't how he actually sounded. I tried gently coaxing him to be quieter, but he either gets defensive or straight-up ignores me. This is the mouth that he uses to kiss me, but watching him eat makes me want to stay far away from it. Ew, dude!

It's been two years. I've stopped leaving hair on the shower walls (because I don't want to clog the drain) and now its time for him to learn to chew quietly, a skill most 5-year-olds have mastered.
Holy shit, Ruby, my little sister says the same thing about me being loud when I eat. But, I'm not a loud chewer! I've never had ANYONE ever comment on my loud eating before, but my sister will get all intense out of nowhere and literally cover her ears while I jam on some matzah ball soup.

Personally, I think she has incredibly sensitive ears. She must be part-dog or something because I'm pretty sure she can hear frequencies undetectable to the human ear. It's like when Teen Wolf heard the dog whistle in the hardware store.

You and my sister should go out to Souper Crackers and see who stabs who first.


teenie said...

oh. my. god. i am SO there with you on this. it's a complete deal breaker for me.

side note: there are actually a bunch of people who have this phobia? ocd rage issue? not sure what to call it, about CHEWING. i think i'm one of them.

Jilly B said...

OMG. This is my BIGGEST pet peeve. It literally makes me want to stab someone. I also can't stand slurping, pretty much all mouth noises are one big no.

Anonymous said...

loud chewing is almost as bad as people who do the tooth/fork scrape


dani said...


Lora said...

agreed - best picture ever. I unfortunately am guilty of being a loud eater and the tooth/fork scrape. and the slurp. I have pretty horrible table manners altogether for a lady. I need to take an etiquette class or something! But at least I'm gnawing on steak and not just a salad!

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