September 10, 2010

Reader Submitted Bonerkiller: Smelly Nellys

Guys, Zack is on a ROLL. He's adorable, even when he's crinkling his nose at girls who go a little crazy at the perfume counter.
It started out so well. Thunderstorms canceled my original plan to take her out, but a nice quiet dinner made for a suitable backup. Good food, good music and back to my place to “watch” a movie. A little snuggling on the couch was exactly what I needed after a long day at work.

Mmm, I like that perfume. But I'm not sure about the shampoo, conditioner, and hairspray. Or the body wash. Or the deodorant. Wait, is that the strawberry-scented hand lotion they sell at The Body Shop? That stuff is the pixie stick of scents: no resemblance to the actual fruit and it makes my stomach queasy.

My nostrils are now officially burning. Everything was going great until I snuggled with a jar of potpourri. If I pour on an entire bottle of Aqua Velva, would it block the smell radiating off her body?

Do you think she'd be offended if I slipped one (or a dozen) of those pine tree air fresheners around her neck?

Scents are like hard liquor: pick one and rock it.
This is funny but it doesn't apply to me. I always smell perfect, like a freshly washed rose petal on her way to prom night. I'm smelling my hair right now, and it smells like high-fiving a dryer sheet while my deodorant smells like a baby's knee aka nothing. And, my wrist smells like an afternoon breeze's earlobe. Just lettin' you know, I keep my scents in check. I'm scensible with my scents, if you will.


Justin Howe said...

You're an enormously funny chick, and that may be the funniest thing you've ever written, so congrats!

Eric E. said...

I've been enjoying Zack's post, but Kitten's intro here provides a rare glimpse at the true color of Shmitten. Zack regularly receives the "adorable" tag, and by coincidence his posts invariably depict a young woman in the most positive light imaginable. No problem there. Women are great...just maybe not all the time. Any given woman, no matter how lovely or occasionally pungent, is likely on any given day to do something less than perfect. And I don't mean something as charming as smelling like strawberry candy. So, would a post about her slight slip from grace be as celebrated as one of Zack's starry-eyed tributes? Or is it possible that the Kittenverse consists only of princesses and clowns?

Anna said...

Hi Eric!

Princesses and clowns! I like the phrase, but I think you're overgeneralizing a smidge. I'm all for guys who can criticize a girl's behavior, but the truth is that I don't receive many submissions from guys criticizing girls.

He's only done about three posts so saying that I call him adorable "regularly" is reaching a bit. And, this isn't a starry-eyed tribute! It's playfully critical, which is how I rule my Kittenverse.

I like Zack's posts because he has the same attitude that I have: even when I'm telling a guy his behavior is crummy, I still have an underlying affection for him. You know?

Eric E. said...

Greetings Anna, Grand Duchess Supreme and Preeminent Princess Extraordinary of the Almighty Kittenverse!

I hereby note your objections and am thereby tempted to concede the point. However, if I've learned anything at Glenn Beck University, it's that I should never allow facts and a small sample size to interfere with a good overgeneralization. As Professor Palin's ghostwriter has tweeted: two points make a line, but three points must make a global international conspiracy.

BTW, it has not escaped my attention that successful mainstream fiction is often distinguished by the writer's "underlying affection" for each and every character. I would imagine that a blogger who exercised a similar craft would do well in either venue. You know?

Anna said...

BTW, you are a total riot.

You're an astute man. I'll give you that.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I'd rather a girl over-smell good, than the opposite. I was on a date the other week in which I couldn't get close to the girl on account of the wall of bad breath, dirty clothes, and b.o. It was like the bog of eternal stench, which is just gross. Even a spritz of febreze would have been better then nothing.

Anna said...

The bog of eternal stench? HAHAHAHA!

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