September 20, 2010

Reader Submitted Surprisingly Not a Bonerkiller: Girls Who Name Their Cars

From our reader Eric E., who doesn't entirely hate it when girls name their cars:

The bartender whisked away our glasses and showed us the door. Out on the sidewalk, I pointed my boots westward and readied myself for the long trek home. I was turning my head to say goodnight when she managed to get in the first shot.

"Can I give you a ride?”

“I’m not far. I can walk from here.”

“Don’t be silly! Hop in. Bob won’t mind.”

“Who’s Bob?”

“This is Bob,” she said, patting the roof of her red Volkswagen Jetta. She tossed her bag in the back, slid behind the wheel, and leaned over to open the door on my side. She was all smiles, as though reassuring me that I had nothing to fear.

I climbed in next to her. “How old are you again?”

“Oh, come on. You’re gonna give me grief about Bob?”

“No, of course not. I was just wondering about my legal exposure here. As Baretta said, ‘If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.’”

She stared at me like I was speaking in tongues. “Bob’s the best,” she insisted. “He’s loyal, handsome, and trustworthy. And he doesn’t mind if I give some random guy a ride from time to time. Can you live up to those standards?”

She had put me on the defensive. I was charmed by her wit, but her zaniness seemed forced. Did she think that any woman who's not model gorgeous has to be a wacky comedian? What else had she named? Was this her way of blocking unwanted sexual advances? Rather than feign a headache, she announces that she’s named her vagina and--ta da!--no more worries.

I settled back and silently appraised the situation. I clearly enjoyed her company, but I was dubious about her eccentricity. In the end, though, I was more enticed than deterred. After all, there’s something about a glimpse of maternal instinct that--for me, at least--can put a woman in a favorable light.
This is perhaps one of the only reader submissions I've received that I can personally relate to. I have a black Jetta that I named Bruce, a two-fold homage to both Bruce Springsteen (I bought the car in New Jersey) and to Bruce Wayne, Batman's daytime persona. He has leather seats and being manual shift, well, let's just say that there's a lot of masculine energy going on with him. Every time I take him in for repairs, I tell the mechanic to, "take good care of Bruce" and they roll their eyes at me. Guys do think it's weird to name a car, but why would'nt I? I toss enough money at his upkeep to warrant some kind of personification. Besides, it helps to have a name to curse when he needs significant, costly engine repairs. Bruuuuuuuuce, you expensive motherfucker!

12 comments:

al said...

Total BONERKILLER**:

Women naming things after my Dad. His name has to be the most common name-for-women-to-call-stuff-that-normally-wouldn't-have-a-name-cuz-it's-not-human/alive.

My dad... Bruce.

Although, your car is better than your body pillow*.

*actual incident.

**literally!

Anna said...

HAHAHAHAHA!

Jerricka said...

I have named all three of my cars.

1989 Jeep Cherokee Laredo - he was simply Big Red

1995 VM Cabrio - Gunther. This was a nod at his German heritage, his manual transmission masculinity, and his confused, petite convertible metrosexuality (like the singer responsible for the Ding Dong Song).

2010 Honda Fit - Francis/Frances. This car is gray and androgynous. Also a manual transmission, but surprisingly smooth and curvy. Both the male and the female version of the name are audibly the same, so I prefer not to assign a gender to Francis/Frances. S/he cannot be put into a box.

Anna said...

I love your names, Jerricka! What a riot.

Jessica said...

I name all kinds of my stuff, from vibrators to my laptop. Show me the guy who would find that adorable.

Anonymous said...

re: Show me the guy who would find that adorable.

Yes, moan my name and think of me. I would like it if you named your favorite vibrator after me.

Anonymous said...

You know what's a bonerkiller? Someone who is 'dubious about eccentricity'. Also: Someone who thinks a girl develops a sense of humor to 'make up for' a lack of looks! Biggest bonerkiller? A date who mocks you and then makes a child molestation joke, and then wonders why you look at them strangely -- hoping they've misunderstood your douchery, perhaps?

Anna said...

I thought it was funny. I'm not sure why you thought "unwanted sexual advances" refers to child molestation. I think you read that wrong. Hot women get hit on all the time as adults. It happens.

Helen said...

I may not have named my car, but my bicycles definitely have names. My road bike is Semenya, as in Castor Semenya, because she's fast and maybe just a little bit manly. My actually retro (it was my Aunt's) cruiser bike is Bonny, as she is blue and old-fashioned.

Lora said...

I name everything! Car (RIP) was Bessie, iPod was also Bessie, bike is Rootbeer Mary. I have friends that name their shoes and purses though. That might be taking it a little too far.

Samantha said...

I had a 2002 blue sunfire that I discovered, after buying it, that it had a two cursive name painted on the trunk. That name was "Booze Poodle II"

Anonymous said...

Every woman I have known that owned a Jetta named it Gretta.

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