October 1, 2010

Reader Submitted First Date Horror Story

From Zack, who had a pretty amazing/adorable/ouchy first date:
I've always been a shy, quiet nerd. In high school I couldn't look at a hot girl, let alone work up the courage to talk to one. But shortly after Christmas break, the hottest girl in my grade asked me out. Think Kelly Taylor meets Kelly Kapowski. She could've had any dude at school and I don't know what the hell she saw in me.

As her math tutor, I'd met her a few times before. She'd ask about the formula for calculating the area of a rhombus, staring at me with those big brown eyes. I'd just blabber, “Huh buh wuh." Soooooo pathetic.

We were too young to drive, so my mom dropped me off at her place one Saturday. Her family was really nice. At one point, her mom pulled me aside, handed me a condom and told me, “Don't forget to use this.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, at 14 I thought, “Coolest...mom...EVER!” But as an adult, that totally creeps me out. How many guys had she hooked up with before me? (I later found out the number was four.)

After watching a movie at her house, her mom drove us to the park. We were just kicking a soccer ball around and goofing off. Then, she kicked the ball while I had my back to her and I turned around at the worst possible moment. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground in agony, wondering where my left testicle went. Acting tough, I brushed it off and grabbed a frisbee. About an hour later, I accidentally hit her in the face with it. When her mom picked us up, my date had bloody tissues sticking out of her nose and I had an ice pack on my crotch.

All I wanted to do was go home and DIE. I knew she would tell all of her hot friends, and I would officially be undateable for the next four years. This date couldn't POSSIBLY get any worse.

Her mom drove me home and she came along for the ride. As I was getting out of the car, she pulled me back for a kiss. I was not expecting that. I'd never seriously kissed a girl before, and I certainly wasn't expecting ours to be a french kiss. She went in far enough to trigger my gag reflex, causing me to clamp my mouth shut. Yeah, my first real kiss, and I bit her tongue hard enough to draw blood. I spent the rest of the weekend thinking, “Please God, kill me before school on Monday.

We actually dated for about six months, but short of setting her hair on fire, I don't think that date could possibly have gone any worse.
Awwww. This sounds like a There's Something About Mary deleted scene. Anyone else have a cute first date story? Send it to me at hi@shmittenkitten.com. I'll publish the funny ones.


Anonymous said...

Holy moly, four guys by the time she was 14? Sounds like Mom was smart in jumping the gun and handing him a condom. Here I was thinking that losing my virginity at 13 to the boy I "loved" was early. To be fair, it was a month before I turned 14, though no matter how many times I tell myself that, it still feels creepy to think about it as an adult. Especially now that I have younger cousins in their early teens and they still seem like babies to me. :/

Zack said...

Yeah, the older I get, the weirder it seems. I suspect I was fortunate to have not put that condom to good use (I never did sleep with her). Mine was actually the night before I turned 15, which in retrospect I kinda wish I hadn't done. It was too early.

I didn't realize she'd hooked up with four guys (they'd all been hookups earlier in the year, I was the first guy she actually "dated") until after we split, and I discovered that I knew all four of them. By the time we graduated, there were enough that we joked about forming a club. We could've all had a special tassel on our graduation caps and everything *grin*

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