November 22, 2010

Bonerkiller: Guys Who Give A Fuck About Four Loko Being Banned

Just between us, I'm not entirely sure what Four Loko is, but I can tell already that I'll hate guys who are stockpiling it in case it gets banned. Does anyone know what this shit is? I don't feel like looking it up and I'm pretty sure if I did, it wouldn't change my opinion about guys who care about it. Is it like an alcoholic energy drink? Like, a Red Bull with booze or something? BFD.

In my head, I'll bet it tastes like some kind of fruity Sparks-esque concoction, but again I'm not sure. I definitely know what a Smirnoff Ice is and I hated guys who went bonkers over the whole Bros Icing Bros thing. I'm gonna assume that this colorful, obnoxious Four Loko bullshit is hitting the same demographic of party robot frat dorks. That's a safe assumption, right?

Don't tell me the flavors Four Loko comes in. I don't need to know. I'm telling you, it won't change my half-informed opinion about this matter. The one thing I'm certain about when it comes to Four Loko is that I don't care for guys who care about it. The end.


Anonymous said...

It's disgusting. Your assumptions are correct. Equally accurate is the assumption that only complete loser d-bags are concerned about the potential ban.

Andrea said...

Amen, sister. Four Loko is the dumbest obsession our generation has faced since Furbies came out.

Drew said...

You are correct about all of your assumptions about how it tastes.
You are incorrect in your cavalier attitude about the rights of adults to drink whatever they want to drink.
How would you feel if no bartender would make you a Greyhound because some 19-year-olds in some other state went to the hospital from the combination of citric acid and alcohol?

Anna said...

Nah, I'm still right. Adults can totally drink what they wanna drink, but they don't have to act like gorillas by stockpiling the trendy offender.

And, your analogy doesn't hold because a greyhound is a mixed cocktail of two common bar ingredients. Four Loko isn't a mixed cocktail; it's a unique product that can't be made with common bar ingredients. At least not that I know of!

Mallory P. said...

Shit tastes like Boone's Farm and gasoline. It'll make your eyes bleed.

Drew said...

It's not inappropriate to stockpile a product that you like when it's being discontinued. I tried to buy a case of Four Loko on Thursday, the local distributors are all sold out and their suppliers don't have more to sell them.
I used to drink Four Loko maybe once a month, if I had a case of 24 of them it would last me two years. Why shouldn't I buy a two year supply of a non-perishable item that I kind of like?
If a non-perishable product that you don't use often, but have a craving for sometimes, was being discontinued you wouldn't buy a case of it, just to have it in the future when you wanted it?

My point with the Greyhounds was, citric acid and alcohol are both diuretics that are fine in moderation, but would make a person sick from dehydration in excess. Similar to how caffeine and alcohol are fine in moderation but bad in excess.

I think you should have your beef with people who talk about stockpiling Four Loko like it's a cool thing to do. It's not a cool thing to do, it's a practical thing to do.

Anonymous said...

We know Drew's demographic...

Jonesy said...

Four Loko is the devil's brew. And usually I'd be cool with that (I'm cool with the devil), but it only comes in ass-flavored (with various fruits, of course), and caused me to be locked out of my friend's apartment at five in the morning (with my keys, wallet and phone inside) until around two in the afternoon. It's not worth hoarding.

I'll stick to rum and coke for my alcohol/caffeine fix, thank you.

And anyway, they agreed to just get rid of the caffeine, so it's not going to get banned.

Jake said...

FourLoko does taste like butts. And the brah culture around it is pretty weak. However, and I hope this doesn't obliterate too many erections, I get a little bit steamed about it getting banned. But only because it seems like a result of pretty obvious pressure from the super-evil folks at the large beer companies.

I feel like the dudes who make those horrible "Here We Go" commercials (Anheuser Busch)and make a point of not hiring gay folks (Coors) got worried that this new shitty beverage was horning in on the territory of their classic shitty beverages and used their considerable influence to have it banned. Those 'party robot frat dorks" were getting drunk off of hooch that was cheaper, stronger and, most importantly, not produced by a major brewery.

Additionally, those giant brewers had tried to make their own malt liquor/energy drink variant (Tilt? Spyke? That Sparks shit was made by Coors and was big before all the Making Time kids got into the harder stuff) but failed to capture the brah market held by Joose/FourLoko. They worried that soon we'd be seeing empty cases of Joose all over Penn's campus instead of empty cases of Natty Ice.

So I don't know, this is all pretty conspiracy-y, but it seems kinda possible. Whoever makes those Miller Light ads where the guys are emasculated by not drinking Miller Light has got to be evil, even more so than brah-enablers like FourLoko. Sorry for the long read, Happy Thanksgiving, Shmitten Kitten!

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