December 1, 2010

He's The Guy Who Broke Up With You? Get The Fuck Outta Here

I wrote a post a while ago called "Is He Really Going Out With Her?" Some people took it seriously and seemed genuinely distressed that I would bust on a girl's fashion choices. But, I had a lot of fun writing like a Jersey Girl/ Real Housewife so I wanted to do it again. Here, she's slamming the guy who broke her best friend's heart.   

That nerdy little puffball is the guy you've been sobbing over? That balding maniac? It's like he has Dr. Evil's left ball for a head. No way. Fuck off. And that beer belly? He looks like he swallowed Wilson from Castaway, okay? He probably swallowed it in one gulp like the snake he is.

I can't believe this guy. It's unbelievable to me. Truly. He was lucky that you gave him the time of day. He should be on his knees, thanking the gods for meeting a woman like you. And he fucked it all up. No, I'm not staring at him, I'm just in disbelief that a man who looks like THAT would dump a woman like you. Who does he think he is with that leather jacket on, Johnny Depp? Get real. 

Believe me, you have more class in one eyelash than he has in his whole lumpy body. You know what? He looks like pancake batter dribbled into a human mold. Ugh. I'm disgusted. I hope his wee wee shrivels up and falls off for what he did to you. What a disgrace.

Well, if it makes you feel better, those boxy jeans on him are irregular fit. No, I won't keep my voice down. I hope he hears me! "YOU GOT THOSE JEANS AT AN OUTLET MALL, YOU FREAKIN' APE!" Ugh. Let's get out of here. I can't even look at him. Yuck.


Anonymous said...

I so needed this today! I was just moping about some dude and this fits PERFECTLY. Thank you Anna.

Anna said...

I'm so glad that you got a kick out of it. This is what I think every time I see a guy who breaks my friend's heart. THAT DILDO? NO FUCKING WAY!

Abby said...

Amen. I am going to read this post every time I feel depressed about dickbags like this.

Anonymous said...

still doesnt validate the cheap shots from the original.

Melissa said...

Ugh. Don't you have something better to do than read blogs you don't like, and then comment on them? Why don't you spend your time reading or doing something you actually enjoy?

Stephanie said...

I've read this about 10 times already. It's just what I need to hear. And how did you know my ex wore a ridiculous leather jacket? Ugh. :)

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