March 13, 2013

Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Lack of Ice Cube Trays

Well, this is some goddamn bullshit. When I opened his freezer door, it was more bare than Courtney Stodden's ass cheeks during a pumpkin patch-themed photo shoot in there.

Seriously, this was his freezer in ass cheek-form

There was nothing in it! How can his freezer be so bare? Did he just move into his house four hours ago? I was expecting a half-empty bottle of Smirnoff, a bag of vegetable dumplings from Trader Joe's that he never got around to making and a limp bag of frozen peas, but nothing? Are we in a doll's house? Is this fridge even turned on?

While having a bare freezer was semi-alarming on it's own, more distressingly, there were no ice cube trays. How am I supposed to chill my beverage with this egregious lack of ice? My whiskey on the rocks is now sadly, disappointingly, regrettably sans rocks. Fuck that noise! I can't go through life with all of my beverages served neat. I'm just not that kind of girl. *lone tear falls down my face*

I didn't realize how much I liked having ice in my life until it was taken away so abruptly. On a scale of one to pumpkin patch-themed photo shoot, how crazy would I appear if I brought my own ice cube trays over to his house? Hell, I'd even go for a jokey ice cube tray he bought for a Halloween party six years ago at this point, anything to chill this cocktail I'm hastily assembling before we head out for dinner.

I slammed his empty freezer door in frustration and was surprised at how light his door felt. It was like trying to slam a styrofoam cup down on a table. That annoyed me too. Fuck this surprisingly light freezer door to hell! Get some ice cube trays up in here, sir. I like to chill my drinks while we chill. Is that so wrong?

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

God, does anything make you happy? It seems like everything about a person that doesn't meet your standards is a huge character flaw. Besides, most of the stuff you bitch about isn't as big of a dealbreaker as living with your parents well into your 30s.

Anna said...

Actually, the guy I'm seeing was the one who suggested I write about his lack of ice cube trays and he got a big kick out of it. He laughed. I laughed. We all laughed. "A+ would write again" - my review of this post.

In case you couldn't tell, Shmitten Kitten is a humor site. It's a place for me to have fun writing, not a diary. As for living at home with my parents, I'd rather do that and publish a book on Penguin than leave bullshit comments criticizing other people's sites anonymously. To each his own, I guess.

Jeremy said...

Oh good, the trolls from the Huffington Post have finally arrived. Break out the 'Lil Smokeys, and let's get this party going!

Anna said...

Haha, Jeremy!

Elizabeth B said...

Ah Anna! these are my favorites, probably because I've seen many a sad dude house...

Kaitlin said...

I loved all the similes in this post AND I loved the burn back to the anonymous commenter. Win, Anna.

Andrea said...

But you know what's super sexy: when he has really nice ice cube trays. You know, the kind that make the extra-large fancy cocktail ice cubes? And if he's a killer mixologist...well, let's just call that one a bonergrower.

MIchael Spenceley said...

It's fun to read, so I say keep doing it! More ice cube stories please :)

mo said...

I love this post!! My boyfriend inexplicably did not own ice cube trays when we first started dating. I made fun of him for it and then he bought a big sack of ice for me. For a few months I chiseled away at the bag to get a few pieces. I finally just bought him 2 ice cube trays!

Post a Comment