Just Between Us, His Hygiene Fucking Sucks

From Rose, a no-nonsense nostril advocate: 

A guy in uniform has long been lauded as a gal’s secret weakness. Show me a guy in uniform, or just a nice shirt and tie, and I’ll show you a girl trying to contain her Pavlov-esque reaction. I expect neither of these, but they’re always appreciated.  

I DO, however, expect him to have at least showered within the last month. Extra points if he's brushed his teeth within the last day. The personal hygiene horrors I’ve experienced read like bad “Yo’ Mama” jokes, with the word “date” in the place of “Mama.”  

Yo’ date’s teeth are so mutinous of his mouth, all his teeth gathered around, raised one up and proclaimed it to be their ruler. I did my best to not stare at his one, giant-sized super tooth, but it was like eating dinner with a goddamn narwhal.  

 

Yo’ Date’s breath is so rank, low tide called and requested its smell back. I don’t mind when a date wants to hug me when we meet up. It’s actually kind of sweet. But if his breath smells like a herd of wildebeests got caught in his mouth and died, my reaction is going to be to stampede in the opposite direction.  

Yo’ Date’s clothes are so nasty… you know, I can’t even finish this one. I don’t require that he wears a suit when we go out. There’s been many times that I’ve met dates wearing jeans and a T-shirt. But at least they’re clean. When we meet for the first time, I shouldn’t be curious as to whether he's worn the same clothes everyday for the past three years. I also shouldn’t be concerned as to whether or not those are bloodstains on his pajama pants.  

When meeting someone for the first time, especially on a date, one would assume making a good impression is a top priority. But you know what they say about making assumptions: Assuming makes an ass out of you and me. Especially me.

I once dated a guy so smelly that I had to get all Hansel and Gretel on his stinky ass. I left a trail of PBR cans leading to my shower and when he picked up the last one, I pushed him in and turned on the water. True story!