July 3, 2013

Phrases We'd Like to Stab in the Face: "You're Too Picky"

Recently, I came to the horrifying realization that I am alone. Not in some kind of existential way, and not in that I suddenly noticed that I am, in fact, single. (Really single.)  No, I'm alone in a way that our friends at HBO prefer to pretend isn't possible: I am fresh out of single friends.

Let me let you in on a little secret, gang: Sex and the City is a farce, and not just because there isn't a dating columnist / blogger (ahem) on earth who can afford $40,000 worth of Manolos. It's a farce because as soon as those girls got boyfriends, the days of getting all dolled up and going out to help their still-single counterparts search for men would have been out the damned window. And more alarmingly, so would their empathy for the plight of the single girl.

Sex and the City
I didn't even have to go to Paris to have my social life go to the dogs.
Now that my whole gang is all wifed up -- guys and girls, mind you, so don't think you're off the hook, gentlemen! -- there's no one to call on a Saturday night to go see a band downtown, because they're all in the Hamptons having couples dinners. There's no one to meet up with for karaoke on a random Wednesday because they're all staying in together. There's no one to relate hilariously farcical dating stories to over a bottle of Sauv Blanc because they seem to have developed some kind of collective amnesia about how truly terrifying it is to try and get a relationship off the ground in this city. And that amnesia expresses itself with some alarming symptoms: my friendly texts go unanswered, my darts partners are conspicuously absent, and worst of all, it seems that I am now "too picky."

This is a phrase I've never understood, and even less so now that it comes exclusively out of the mouths of people in committed, functional happy relationships. "You're too picky." As though I have no business expecting to be attracted to the person I'm sleeping with. "You're too picky." As if they all just magically conjured their partners and I should just do the same. "You're too picky." As though it's somehow my fault that I haven't met an eligible man who would give me the time of day since...well, sports fans, I don't even remember. And that's a sad thing, not something I should be back-handedly blamed for by being designated "too picky"! 

Look, I work weird hours, travel a great deal and occasionally enjoy having a little time to myself. That's not being "too picky"; it's being what all of my friends used to be like before they all got boyfriends / girlfriends / husbands / wives. And that fact alone makes me want to stab "You're too picky" right in its smug, presumptuous face.

Cher knows what's up.


Dana said...

woah. Let's be friends.

Anonymous said...

The monotony of many -not all- relationships these days is either incredibly romantic or a complete tragedy. I am conflicted. Is it possible to be both a good friend and a good lover? Those individuals in committed relationships have lost the confidence and perhaps even the capacity to be well regulated human beings. My advice to you - go to a charming corner wine bar and politely interrupt a couple's romantic evening by inviting them into your quest. I dare you.

Anonymous said...

Amen, sister!

Anonymous said...

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

For reals. People keep telling me that I "set my standards too high" when really, I just have preferences like everyone else. We all have our likes and dislikes, mmmkay?

Anonymous said...

What do you even mean? You only want to be friends with single people? Or that you want to screw your friends? i am confuse

Anonymous said...

I agree that you're not too picky. You're 100 percent right in actually wanting to be attracted to whoever you're with. Everyone has a type. Some types are different than others. Some people don't care about looks at all. Some do.

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