July 29, 2014

Real Talk: I Need A Date To My Friend's Wedding

As wedding season draws to its (merciful) close, I'm faced with one final nuptial hurrah, courtesy of two of my nearest and dearest friends who -- in a shameless attempt to make the rest of us feel bad about our lives -- had the nerve to fall madly, dizzily in love with each other. They're getting married this fall, and I will almost certainly be invited with a plus one. Which raises the question: who the hell am I taking to this wedding? Tempting as it would be to reinstate my OKStupid or Tinder accounts and troll for tail, the more practical approach seems to be tapping into the pool of available men right in front of me. To wit:

1. The Friend-Plus

We all have one: the rad dude you spend tons of time with and occasionally think, "Hey, should I bring this guy in off the bench?"

Pros: He's fun, friendly and easy to be around. He also looks great in a suit and will follow my lead on "Let's slow-dance" vs. "Fuck slow-dancing; where's the bar?"

Cons: Finding a guy friend who's fun, friendly and easy to be around is no small feat. Do I really want to risk losing him to ex-boyfriend-ville if things don't fly?

2. Out of Town Guy

He's not from around here -- which is the point.

Pros: It's virtually guaranteed that this guy's going to put out, if only because his options are:
a) spend the night on my Put Out Couch (it's like a pull-out couch, but...well, hence the name) 
b) do battle with the money-grubbing androids at Amtrak to finagle passage back home at 3 a.m. surrounded by the kinds of humans who are willing to brave Penn Station and its homeless shower facilities known as bathrooms at that hour of the morning.
Cons: IT IS VERY HIGH STAKES. I'm importing him for the evening, which means I'm contractually obligated to show him a good time, monitor my Prosecco consumption to keep from being too drunk to fuck, and serve as a human shield during potentially limitless embarrassing social interactions with the requisite pack of predatory bridesmaids circling any dude without a ring on his fourth finger like taffeta-draped sharks dabbing Paris Hilton perfume behind their gills -- er, ears. It's enough to send me straight to the open bar, and let's be honest, after a dozen or so well vodka sodas, I'm not going to be much good to anyone, even myself.

3. My Actual Crush

At this point in the #Trampage, I'm edging towards the inevitable "Do I Want To Make One of These Dudes My Boyfriend?" portion of the program, and while there are several candidates, there is a clear front-runner.

Pros: The meet-cute anecdotes practically write themselves. After all, where better to suss out a guy's true relationship potential than at an emotionally charged, well-dressed, liquor-fueled gathering of most of my social circle?

Cons: What if he says no? Oh, God. What. If. He. Says. No. 

indiana jones animated GIF

(It turns out that despite my best efforts to Keep Calm and #Trampage On, I do, in fact, still have feelings that can be hurt. Which, I guess, is nice to know.)

The invitation hasn't even arrived yet, and already I'm tempted to RSVP myself and my cat. At least she always wants to cuddle and won't judge me when I wake up the next morning with mascara-blacked eyes and a spiny blonde disaster where my sleek pixie cut used to be.

Which one is my best bet? What's worked for you? Tell me in the comments!


Kurtis Michaud said...

Go a pair, metaphorically speaking, and ask your favorite crush. What ifs suck and can haunt you for years.
Go big or go home.

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