Tip of Our Hats: Dudes Who Go on Dates With Themselves

I know what you're probably thinking, "A guy who takes himself on a date? What a loser! How bizarre!" Maybe you'll even hum the OMC song "How Bizaare" when you hear about the concept. It's an understandable reaction. But, we think he's on to something. Everyone wants someone who will call you back right away, someone who likes the same things you do, and someone who understands you. Well the truth is, that person is most likely YOU!

When he told me how he took himself out to a nice lunch, caught a foreign film, then ran a few fun errands downtown, we knew he was onto to something. Then, after his solo man date, he headed home for a touch of home maintainance to spruce up the old pad. Cheerio, my good man!

I like this. This is really working for me. In fact, I'm starting to get jealous of the relationship he has with himself. And, honestly, he is making every boyfriend I ever had look really bad right now because he takes himself on better dates than most human males take me on.

To date yourself you must have the confidence to sit alone at a movie and say, "table for one" with a smile, because fuck it, you're in the best relationship you've ever been in (minus the obvious things.) So, we tip our hats to guys who make an effort to treat themselves well. If it was good enough for Billy Idol, it's good enough for me. Now, what am I gonna do with this cradle of love in the corner of my room? Maybe I'll put it on Craigslist.

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Bonerkiller: The Super Emo Haircut That Was Not On Your Head The Last Time I Saw You

I don't know if I missed a memo or what, but you now have the kind of haircut I'd spot on an art student in Berlin. That's a mighty swoop of hair, my friend. WHAT HAPPENED?

The last time I saw you--almost a year ago--you looked more like a high school quarterback than an AP magazine cover star. Maybe I should've taken your new found penchant for wearing supertight Diesel jeans and too-small cardigans with buttons poised to pop off into your $2 beer as a sign of your new style direction, but this haircut is a whole new level of what-the-fuckness.

What spurred this change? Was it the new promotion at work? Your recent birthday? The condo you just bought? Make sure to snag a Morrissey t-shirt, buy the new Crystal Antlers record, and procure American Crew hair gel in bulk to complete your new "look." Oh wait, hipsters hate hair gel. Instead, they all use air, cigarette ash and natural musks to perfect their coifs, thank you very much.

Now, with your Flock of Seagulls/ Christian from Project Runway $80 haircut, you have fully committed to fly that emo flag high, not just on your lunch break but for the entire 9am to 5pm day. Yikes.

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Bonerkiller: The Brooding Coffee Shop Smoker Guy

Brooding guys who hang out in coffee shops and smoke cigarettes were much cooler when I was sixteen. It was a total high to walk into the "cool" coffee shop in the neighborhood (all dressed up of course) and scope a handsome, dark-haired boy. He'd have a box of American Spirits splayed on the table next to a stained coffee cup. You could tell he'd refilled it several times in the course of the four hours he pretended to read a Bukowski novel slumped in his chair. He'd feel me staring at him and occasionally look up from his book and smile and then walk outside for a cigarette. And, yes, I'd follow him and bum one off him because even back then, I wasn't really a smoker.

I'll admit it; coffee and cigarettes do, in theory, go well together. Otis Reading wrote a song about it and Jim Jarmusch named a film after the infamous combination. But once you hit your 30s, the allure is over. You've kissed too many guys with coffee and cigarette breath with too much time on their hands camped out at a table by the front door, greeting every young lady that comes in with a twinkle in her smile. He looks like Johnny Depp's understudy. If he got in a shoving match with a bum. And lost. But, in a good way.

I no longer go to the coffee shop to hang out and see cute guys. I'm there for one of the three following reasons: because it's early in the morning and I may or may not be hungover, I ran out of beans, or I need a quick caffiene fix. I just threw on whatever clothes were close to the bed and I don't want to see a cute guy sitting by the door with his coffee and book. Dude, it's 9am. Don't you have somewhere to be? And what are you doing up this early on a cold day in January without a job? My theory is this: his home is a shithole.  It reeks of microwave burritos and Febreze and the dishes haven't been done in months. Even roaches and mice turn their nose up at it. He feels like a loser in his vacant studio apartment, so the coffee shop I like to occasionally visit before fully entering into the real world is his adopted home.

Brooding coffee shop guy, there will always be a sweet, innocent young girl out there who will fall for your mysterious ways and smooch your smoky lips despite the putrid smell, but that girl will never be me.

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Real Talk: Shacking Up

So, you’re officially moving in together in to his house. Yes, you love your man and you’re ready to take the relationship to the next step. But let’s face it: the economy sucks and you haven’t seen a paycheck in nine months. Maybe you’re wondering if he’ll ever start using a laundry basket instead of an errant plastic shopping bag and if all of your Kiehls products will fit in his wonky medicine cabinet. This is totally normal.

Here are some helpful hints to not completely cramp your dude’s style and make his home feel like your home.

1. Draw him a diagram labeled "your room" on a napkin. Get those ideas down on paper then give him the napkin. Once he can see your vision, it’s much easier to embrace these “new ideas” such as an open floor plan, a real closet instead of boxes, and a comfortable reading chair instead of a rickety wooden stool with a missing leg. It's like trying to read while a pirate is giving you a piggyback ride and it's gotta go.

2. Take mental notes. That VHS tape of 40 Days and 40 Nights collecting an impressive collection of dust in the living room like a piece of furniture, it’s gotta go too.

3. It’s 2010, so any electrical item that no longer has use must be driven to the nearest Good Will asap (i.e. cassette tape players, misc. cords, an old vacuum that never worked, floppy disk holders, etc.)

4. Be on the dog’s good side. He loves the dog.

5. If there is a roommate involved, get the roommate on your side too. Baked treats go a long way.

6. Goggle the phrase “win a home makeover” and register him in every sweepstakes you can possibly find. Then, hope for the best.

7. Don’t sign up for the show “Clean House.” The woman who hosts it is incredibly irritating.

8. Promise a 50” flat screen TV if he helps out with the changes you want. Hope that he forgets that you promised a 50” flat screen TV if he helps out.

9. This is controversial policy, but an essential one: don’t ask don’t tell. If you see something that has been neglected, just throw it out. Don’t even ask him if he wants to keep it. It’s most likely junk that his mother didn’t want in her house and then pawned off on him.

10. Make him watch Hoarders with you. Trust me on this.

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