March 23, 2009

Movie Mayhem: Bubba Blues

This guy, let's call him Bubba, was one of the sweetest guys I knew. He had asked me out a few times over the years, but I always politely deferred. Well, this time when he asked me out to a movie, I said yes. I thought I'd throw him a dating bone. I mean, he called me on the telephone and asked me out on a date like a mature human being so I agreed. It seemed harmless enough, right?

Let's back up a bit. Bubba was a really big dude. Like, really big. He was in a popular local hardcore band, so he made the obese thing work for him with the "cargo shorts and tattoos" look. It is safe to say that he had a doughy physique, if you're pickin' up what I'm puttin' down. *collar tug*

On date night, he pulled up to my house in his a red pickup truck. I hopped in and off we went. He seemed really nervous which only made me more nervous. The movie I chose for us to see was Austin Powers II, which proved to be a terrible decision and not just because the movie was woefully unfunny.

At the theater, I remember him wedging himself into the seat. It was painful to watch. The poor guy looked like a loaf of bread stuffed into a matchbox.

Well, if you remember, one of the characters in the movie is named Fat Bastard. When he came on screen bellowing his catchphrase, "Get in my belly!" I wanted to straight up die. I felt terrible for Bubba. It was really hard to ignore their similarities. I was mortified! The more fat jokes Fat Bastard rattled off, the redder my face became. How could I have taken him to this terrible film? The poor guy! He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. I avoided all eye contact.

I prayed the entire ride home that he wouldn't try to kiss me. When he pulled up to my house, I sprang out of my seat, thanking him for picking me up as I bolted out the door. To this day, I feel terrible about this movie misstep. I'm sorry, Bubba! Yikes times ten.


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