Bonerkiller: We Get The Sense That You'd Rather Date Your Bike

I get it: riding a bike is a quick, eco-friendly, and inexpensive way to get from place to place. I understand that along with these desirable attributes, you also get to have fun while in transit. But sometimes, Bike Dude, you take it a little too far.

At first I’m impressed with your passion for bike riding. "He’s so totally not lazy and he looks good on that thing," I’ll think to myself as you pedal your way around town. I’ll daydream about us cruising along together, exploring unfamiliar parts of the city that bikes make more accessible.

But the more we hang out, the more apparent your obsession becomes. You spend all your days off tending to your bike: greasing the chain, pumping up tires, and tweaking things I didn’t even know were necessary! You soup that thing up like one of those crazy car fanatics. My old cruiser is an embarrassment to you and your hip, brakeless wonder. On the occasion that we do ride together, you zoom off, leaving my little old Schwinn and me in the dust. Is it so the two of you can have more alone time? When I start to feel like you would rather spoon your fixie than spoon me, something has got to give.

Maybe that sleek paint job and those brightly colored rims really get you going, but what about your gal all dolled up in a cute summer sundress? If I had two wheels and handlebars would you be more apt to take me out for a spin? Seems like my lady-loving is of no use to you; your bike-girlfriend has got you covered.