January 5, 2010

Reader Submitted Things That Make Me a Bad Boyfriend: I Will Hate Your Cat

Buckle up, cat lovers. Our darling reader, Colin, is comin' out swinging against our furry, meowing little friends. Well, not literally. That'd be uncool. But, he definitely has some strong words for them. Let's hear what this Garfield-hater has to say:
I'll be up front: I hate cats.

"But wait!" you say. "You have a terrible allergy and that makes you biased!" It's true; I can't be in a house with a cat for more than ten minutes before I've used up all the tissues and I'm three seconds away from clawing my watering eyes out of my skull.

But, not so fast! I keep a special stash of extra-strength allergy pills that I use solely for the occasion of going to visit someone who has a cat. I even dated a girl with cats for two years. But, I still can't stand them.

This weekend there was a story in the news about a golden retriever that jumped in front of an 11-year-old boy who was being attacked by a cougar, and then the dog fought off the cougar until the Mounties came. Find me a cat that's going to do that. You can't!

Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate the adorableness of a cat. I was at a New Year's Eve party where a tiny cat was curled up on a big stack of pillows and I was even heard to say out loud, "Aw, that's adorable." But it ends there.

I'm sure your cat has a great personality. And truly, I want to hear all about how he sits in the window and stares at the squirrels all day. But, a cat is like a bad roommate: He eats all the food, he hogs the sofa, and he pisses in places where he shouldn't be pissing. You just wish he'd get up and DO something for once.

A dog is like a wingman. He's watching out for you and he's got your back. He gets you girls in the park. Cats don't do any of that. A cat makes you work for them to even acknowledge you, whereas a dog's love is unconditional.

I hate cats, and that includes your cat. And that makes me a bad boyfriend.
As cat lovers, all we have to say is:



[Previously: Things That Make Me A Bad Boyfriend: I Will Hate Your Dog]

20 comments:

Phil said...

Oh my god. I just love that someone else is wearing the "bad boyfriend" hat. Well done, sir.

As a cat lover, I have to disagree on principle, but I think you have valid points. The thing is, I don't want unconditional love from a pet. Maybe that makes me fucked up, but it's true.

Jon K said...

Comeuppance, Phil. COMEUPPANCE.

DOGS FOREVER!

Blue Light J said...

Girlfriends> Good Roommates > Dogs > Bad Roommates (who pay their share)> Cats > Rodent Infestations > Mooching Roommates > Parents

Katie D. said...

Amen. I could never date a cat person.

Khop said...

hey man, you wanna get near my pussy, you gotta at least pretend to like my other one. (what? I own two cats! sheesh, get your minds out of the gutter....)

bianca said...

I've noticed a line in the feline divide: dudes who don't like pets at all are *always* assholes, and dudes who worship cats like girls who boss them around. It's a fact.

My current beau has a cat he took in last year. They have a healthy relationship. I was cool with it at first (it's deceptively named "Baby") except that cat: bites me, pees on his bathroom floor (inches from the litterbox), once called me at 4am (go ahead, make the cat call joke) and I recently watched-- in horror-- as it bust out, paw by paw, of a milk-crate carrier tied with twine on a 2.5 hour car ride and then relentlessly meowed the whole way home.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know dogs are better pets.

bianca said...

Also, high five to Colin for contributing!

miguel dagz said...

uh you've just had bad experiences. what about my gf's cats that don't piss everywhere. then when my parents show up with their dog, it shits on my carpet.

what about when i want to go on vacation? bother a friend with dog sitting or put it in a kennel? fuck that! a cat can go for a week or more with no up keep. i like to travel and dogs suck for that lifestyle.

speaking of lifestyles...i like to go out after work and not get home until 2am sometimes. can i do that with a dog? noooooooooooooo. it's like a little, hairy, ass sniffing, ball licking kid.

oh and guess what? i don't wanna get up at the ass-crack of dawn to walk a dog in the freezing cold and then have to pick up his shit. GROSS! and if you don't curb your dog, i'll hunt you down and make you like the shit off my shoes.

and fuck a dood that needs a dog to him a date! that's just fucking lame...

oh and bianca on your comment that 'is a fact'...wrong!

Jon K said...

Whoa there buddy deep breath

CW4 said...

I want to say I feel slightly misrepresented here. The title of this was "I Hate Cats", not "I Will Hate YOUR Cat"

miguel dagz said...

my whole rant was to show how stupid one sounds coming from the other perspective. it just amazes me that in 2010 people still just bitch and bitch about nothing worthwhile when there are so many other things wrong in the world that need fixing...

cats, dogs...who cares?

CW4 said...

Wait. Scratch that. I was incorrect in my memory.

Also, miguel, take a step back friend. "How stupid one sounds"? It's a humorous blog entry on a dating blog. There is nothing about fixing the world to find here. Calm the fuck down.

Amanda Nan said...

Such hostility. Why are we fighting over the pros and cons of owning cats and dogs?

Jon K said...

Coming from the other perspective as in how there was an almost identical post from a different guy about how he will hate your dog?

miguel dagz said...

i guess im just upset that my parents dog shit on my carpet and took it out on everyone. sry. also i just wish phila allowed ppl to have pot bellied pigs...

Phil said...

i will keep this fight going until either time stops or nicholas cage ushers in the apocalypse.

go cats go cats gooo!

Tony Trov said...

I used to agree with the author of this post. But!... sometimes it takes the right woman and cat to convert you.
Needless to say as a former cat hater, my iPhone has an unhealthy number of adorable kitten photos.

http://twitpic.com/tqweo

adeceve said...

Colin, I would like to state for the record that you would make a very "good boyfriend" to another cat hater.

adeceve said...

Also, Tony Trov, K-Ton has abnormal brainwashing abilities. You couldn't help it.

Elizabeth said...

Yay! Down with cats! Dogs are clearly better.

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