March 1, 2011

I Went On A Blind Date With Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen is a nutjob so I used his real quotes and imagined we were on a blind date. Enjoy:
My hair looks like a badger's anus. Is that a problem?
Me: Thanks for meeting me here. I've heard good things about this place.
Charlie: I'm still alive, which is pretty cool.
Me: Yeah, so Janet told me a lot of things about you. Most of it was good. (laughs nervously)
Charlie: I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old.
Me: Wow. Well, no. She told me that you were going through some stuff. Kinda hitting rock bottom, but that you were pulling yourself together.
Charlie: Rock bottom? That's a fishing term.
Me: I don’t mean it like that. I mean, that you’re on the up and up, getting your life together. It's a positive thing.
Charlie: I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself. I cured it with my brain.
Me: --
Charlie: I've got tiger blood, man.
Me: Is that even legal? Where do you get that? Chinatown? I'm kidding. I heard that you can be a little bit wild sometimes, which is fine.
Charlie: My conduct is bitchin'.
Me: Ha! Well, I’ll be the judge of that.
Charlie: Just sit back and enjoy the show.
Me: Okey doke.
Charlie: It's been a tsunami. And I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard.
Me: That sounds pretty wild. That's what Janet was telling me, that you're always doing cool things and that you're just on another level.
Charlie: I'm so tired of pretending my life isn't perfect and bitchin'.
Me: Don’t be tired. I'm enjoying hearing about it. (Takes a sip of water) I find that moderation is key in all things, though.
Charlie: I don't live in the middle anymore. That's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.
Me: Oh, I don’t care about that. I try to eat well, exercise, get plenty of sleep. You know, be smart.
Charlie: I don't sleep. I wait. Most of the time--and this includes naps--I'm an F-18.
Me: You’re a force to be reckoned with when you sleep? Janet didn't mention--
Charlie: It's funny how sheep rhymes with sleep.
Me: I guess. (Directing his attention back to the menu) So, what looks good to you? Want to split an appetizer? Do you like calamari?
Charlie: Gnarly gnarlingtons.
Me: Oh-kay. How about we split the chicken dumplings?
Charlie: Pure and complete gnarly-isms.
Me: Jeez. You’re a picky eater. Do you think we could finish the Caesar salad if we split it?
Charlie: My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math.
Me: Let’s order a plate of chicken lettuce wraps. The lettuce is good for you.
Charlie: Bull S-H-I-T.
Me: Well, what do you suggest? Let's just go with the vegetable spring rolls. You can't go wrong with those.
Charlie: Can't is the cancer of happen.
Me: Spring rolls it is! So, your kids seem nice. How many do you have now? Four little ones?
Charlie: Touch my children and I will eat your hands off your arms.
Me: Whoa.
Charlie: If you're a part of my family, I will love you violently.
Me: Got it. Memo received. I don’t have any kids, myself.
Charlie: Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it that way.
Me: Well, I don’t need kids to have a full life.
Charlie: Wow. What does that mean?
Me: I just mean that my career has been rewarding in its own right.
Charlie: I've spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.
Me: Well, I recycle my cans. Sometimes I wish I could just toss my plastics with my glass but, yeah, I separate them.
Charlie: Sorry man, I didn't make the rules.
Me: Oh, good. Some bread for the table.
Charlie: The first one's free. The next one goes in your mouth.
Me: They're all free. Can you pass the butter, please?
Charlie: Your perimeter's been breached. You got work to do, bro.
Me: It's fine. So, have you read any good books lately?
Charlie: One of my favorite poets is Eminem.
Me: I wouldn't classify him as a poet. I see him as more of a rapper, I guess? So, Janet also said that you like to run?
Charlie: The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger and Richards look like droopy-eyed armless children.
Me: Have you seen our waiter? I’m dying for some more water.
Charlie: Dying is for fools. Amateurs.
Me: I didn’t literally mean I was dying. Like Thomas Jefferson said--
Charlie: I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.
Me: Thomas Jefferson, the president?
Charlie: Let's talk about something exciting. Me.
Me: I feel like that’s ALL we’ve been talking about, Charlie.
Charlie: There's my life. Deal with it. Oh, wait, can't process it? LOSERS.
Me: Did you just call me a loser?
Charlie: If people could just read behind the hieroglyphic.
Me: The menu is in English.
A little later:
Me: How's your gnocchi?
Charlie: Get over here and enjoy the ride, bro. We're starting to win.
Me: So, you like it?
Charlie: I'm bi-winning. I win here, and I win there.
The waiter comes over: How is everything?
Charlie: Go back to the troll hole where you came from.
Me: I’m sorry, my date isn’t feeling well.
The manager walks to our table briskly: Is everything okay here? Is there anything I can get you?
Charlie: Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
Me: Charlie!
Charlie: I don't think people are ready for the message I'm delivering.
Me: They were just trying to be helpful.
Charlie: They picked a fight with a warlock.
Me: No one’s picking a fight with anyone!
Charlie: I was banging seven gram rocks and finishing them. Because that's how I roll.
Me: I’m sorry, my date isn’t quite feeling himself. Can we get the check, please?
Charlie: Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.
Me: (hissing) That doesn't even make sense.
Charlie: I'm just giving them what I guess they want, I just don't know if they can handle it. Pussies.
Me: Charlie, NOBODY WANTS THIS. (whispers) You’re acting like a lunatic.
Charlie: You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like '"Dude, can't handle it. Unplug this bastard."
Me: Oh, good. The check's here. Let’s split it down the middle, okay? Look, mints! Here's yours. (shoves an Andes mint towards him)
Charlie: Clearly he didn't bring gum for everyone.
Me: Are you okay to drive home?
Charlie: I'm just going to sail across the winds of the universe with my goddesses.
Me: Have fun with that. I can't believe Janet thought we'd hit it off.
Charlie: You should have read the directions before you showed up at the party.
Me: This has Goodnight, Charlie.
Charlie: I dare you to keep up with me.
Me: (putting on my coat) GOODNIGHT, Charlie.
Charlie: (yelling as I walk away) I DON'T HAVE BURNOUT IN MY GEAR BOX!
[Previously: Me And Kanye Sitting In A Tree T-E-X-T-I-N-G]


NRC♥ said...

Loved this haha!!

Laurie Ann said...

I am posting this on my blog

hands down. funniest bloggin bitch in philly. i heart you!

Laurie Z :)

Anna said...

Ha! Go for it.

Anonymous said...


This shit cracks me up!

singlegirlie said...

Hilarious! And must've taken some time to piece together all those lunatic rantings so I applaud your efforts.

I didn't realize Charlie Sheen was trying to bring the word "bitchin" back. I have to give him props for that. (I'm bringing "props" back.)

King said...

Hilarious. :-D
Or as Sheen would say, absolutely bitchin'.

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