January 7, 2010

Things That Make Me a Bad Girlfriend: I Will Hate Your Pet

I know there's been a heated controversy over who deserves more scorn, dating someone with a cat or a dog. Me? I can't stand any of 'em. Your dog jumps on the bed while we're spooning and stomps on my face. Your cat is a little dickhead that hisses at me when I try to walk in the kitchen. They both get on my nerves.

I'll take it one step further: your fish is boring. Your hamster's cage smells like urine-soaked wood. Your rabbit poos everywhere. Your bird is a squeaky motherfucker. Your pet rat freaks me out. If you have a snake, I wouldn't return your phone call, much less come over to your house to meet it. And, you already know how I feel about your giant, uncaged iguana.

The only pet I don't completely hate is a plant. All it needs is water and a little love. That you can keep.

7 comments:

Jon K said...

How did you get to be so dead inside, Anna? HOW?

bianca said...

Hahahah! ...Rent the movie "Please Don't Eat My Mother" and tell me how you feel about plants after...

Anna said...

I should've posted a picture of Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors. Should I change it?

Diane said...

Plants are pretty, but kinda boring though. Plus, they tend to die on me. I don't know what I do wrong. I guess I'm an animal person. I love pets, and I dig guys with them. Though I wasn't thrilled when my ex's praying mantis lunged at me twice. Little bitch. But I've been enjoying the heated dog/cat/world issues debate going on between the guys!

Jon K said...

I can kill plants with such speed and efficiency, I'm surprised a logging company hasn't hired me to just walk around a forrest and grim reap all the trees for them.

xSillyJilly24x said...

I completely agree Anna! Pets are the worst! I pretty much hate animals of all types. And pet hair all over the house? NO THANKS!

JD said...

bwahhaahah! this is awesome. :)

Post a Comment