Here's A Shmitten Kitten Mix To Kick Your New Year Into High Gear!

My buddy, Matthew Rose, was kind enough to put together this mix for you guys. He rules. I was like, "Make something upbeat for my readers to listen to while they get ready to go out." And he was all, "You got it, dude." Consider this the soundtrack to your new year. Have a great time tonight! Kiss lots of people! Give lots of hugs!

Click here or on the image to download it.

Track listing:

1. Love The One You're With - Diana Ross    
2. Miss Broadway - Belle Epoque    
3. Something's Gotta Give (Todd Terje Edit) - Afro Cuban Band    
4. Heartbeat - Taana Gardner    
5. Sunlight (Tiedye Remix) - Bag Raiders    
6. Trying Over - Ago    
7. Nightcruisin' - Bar Kays    
8. She Cant Love You - Chemise   
9. Candy Man - Mary Jane Girls  
10. Wanna Feel - Vivien Vee    
11. Pretty Thing - Chaz Jankel    
12. Midas Touch - Midnight Star    
13. I Want Your Love - Chic  

Want more mixes in your life? Sign up for the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month club. It only takes a sec and it's FREE! 

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It's Almost Time For A New Mix To Go Out To The Shmitten Kitten Mix Of The Month Club!

It's almost January 1st, (side note: HOW INSANE IS IT THAT IT'S ALMOST JANUARY? So insane, right?) which means it's almost time for a new mix to go out to the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club members. I have over 1,400 people signed up so far which would probably make a good-sized flash mob if we were into that sort of thing.

Basically the deal is that I send out an exclusive mix to the Club every month. I put whatever songs I'm digging on it from Brit-pop to Motown to Indie Rock and anything in between. I take this club seriously and try my best to put something special together that I think you will love. Not like, LOVE.

In fact, if I'm being honest here, I probably take this club more seriously than I should. Do I make a CD of the songs and listen to it in my car for a full week before I send it out to you guys? Yes, I do. Do I hover over my laptop for hours trying to find the perfect songs to maintain the flow? Yes, I do. (Pop quiz, hot shot: what song would you put between Mary J. Blige and the Stone Roses? Time's up! The answer is "Connected" by the Stereo MCs. Boom! Nailed it.) Do I anxiously check my Twitter to hear people's thoughts on the mix once I send it out? Sure, but I check my Twitter all the time anyway so whatever.

Join the Mix of the Month Club already! I mean, look at our logo: how can this club not be fun?

So much free music; so much free fun. Sign up right now and get in on this. DO IT!

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My Head Is About To Roll Off My Body From Nodding In Agreement With This Image So Much

Fun fact: no truer thing has ever been said on the Internet.

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Pics and Vids: Well, Technically They're Right

via our sister site, Shlooby Kitten

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I Love Love Love Former Boy Scouts

I love a man in uniform.
Well, maybe I just love the handkerchief.
The still jury's out on that one.

I don't remember how the topic came up but once I found out about his Boy Scout past, it was all I could focus on.

"Did you learn how to tie knots?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Did you go on camping trips?"
"Yes."
"Did you eat s'mores?"
"I guess." He shrugged.
"Did I tell you that I was a Girl Scout?" I twirled my hair around my finger.
"Yeah?"
"Totally. I sold cookies. I wore a sash." I motioned across my chest where my sash would've been positioned. "I earned badges and everything. Did you earn badges too?"
"I think so," he laughed. "I can't believe you're asking me all these questions. There's like, millions of Boy Scouts. It's not that unusual."
"I'm curious! I feel like Geraldo with an exclusive interview here." Mental note: don't compare myself to mustachioed crackpots when I'm on a date. It's not an image he needs to have in his brain.
"Anything else you wanna know?" He took a sip from his beer.
"Sure. Did you wear shorts?"
"When seasonally appropriate, yes."

Truthfully, I ran out of questions at this point, but HOLY SHIT! I'M HANGING OUT WITH A REAL LIVE (former) BOY SCOUT! OMG! THAT ALSO RHYMES!

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Bonerkiller: Guys Who Talk During The Movie

I will chuck him clear across this theater with zero hesitation

Warning: chatty people in the movies turn me into the Hulk. Consequently, I will fucking sock his nose if he tries to talk to me during this film. I didn't pick out which movie I wanted to see, figure out when and where it's playing, decide on which showing to attend, get in my freezing car and drag my ass down to this theater to listen to his constant narration! He isn't Ron Howard and this isn't an episode of Arrested Development; there's no narration needed here. This is a narration-free zone. 

I swear to god, if he leans in and whispers in my ear more than once about anything happening on-screen, I will take this medium-sized bag of popcorn and jam it up his goddam piehole. He'll be sneezing popcorn for the next five years if he doesn't shut his trap on the double.

And, I don't care if it's just the previews! Once the lights dim, his mouth needs to stop moving. Sure, this is a highly-edited three-minute preview of a movie I probably won't see unless I'm hungover on a Sunday sometime in 2014 and it's playing on one of several Cinemax channels, but whatever. Once we hear that old guy say in the preview,  "In a time when," he needs to relegate his mouth to Jujufruit chewing and Diet Coke sipping and THAT'S IT!

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Little Known Fact: This Is How I React To Bad Kissers

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Happy Holidays, Everyone!

I hope you get everything you want for the holidays. As for me? I just wanna cuddle up with a cute guy who looks like Dudley Moore. It doesn't even have to be an exact match; I want the guy to resemble him if I sorta squint in a dark room. That's fine. I'll take it.



Hubba hubba. Cheers!

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Pics and Vids: Length of Sideburns vs. Hotness

SCIENCE!

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Good News: Out Of Everyone Standing In This Loose Semi-Circle, He Hugged Me Last!

Wow! This is totally unexpected. I don't even have anything prepared to say. Just, woosh, you know? Ha!

First, I want to acknowledge that there were a lot of other deserving candidates for his last hug of the night. The sorta cute girl with the glasses I briefly saw him talking to by the pinball machine, I'm looking at you! Ha! Yeah, so I'm unbelievably shocked to be awarded this honor.

As soon as he said, "Well, I guess I'm gonna head out," and established a counter-clockwise hugging pattern, I knew that I was in the running. And, I was exceedingly pleased to calculate that I would be the last person he'd hug in this loose semi-circle of friends and acquaintances.

When he said, "Anna, my dear. It's been a pleasure," and leaned it for an embrace, he let the hug linger a few seconds longer than everyone else. I didn't just hug the man back, I squeezed his body and smelled his neck real quick because I'm a creep.

Sorry, I promised myself that I wouldn't cry. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. 

Being the last hug in this loose semi-circle means a lot to me. It tells me that he was saving his best hug for last. If this were a game of Monopoly, my hug would be the Boardwalk. If this were a hot fudge sundae, my hug would be the cherry on top. I'm sorry, our hug. Ha!

30 seconds left? Ok. Real quick: thanks again for this honor. Thanks to my fancy shampoo for making my hair smell great on the off-chance that he got a whiff, and thanks to my coat for not being too puffy so that I could really feel his biceps flexing when we hugged. Good night!

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Thank You, Creepy Guy, For Making This Party More Fun While I Get A Buzz On

Sure, he's a stranger that's hovering over me which normally would make me uncomfortable, but I'm still trying to get my buzz on so I will enjoy his company at this house party for up to twenty minutes. It's clear that he wants my undivided attention which is weird because we just met two seconds ago. However, since my buddies haven't arrived yet, I don't know anyone else here and I like leaning up against this stove because I have a clear view of the front door, I'll give this conversation a whirl.

He's eager to tell me all about his life which, I'll admit, is keeping me entertained. Here's what I learned:

• He grew up fifteen minutes away 
• He's had the same job for eight years and his boss is a dick
• He thinks Howard Stern is funny
• Pizza is his favorite food 
• His sister cuts his hair
• He doesn't give a shit about hipsters but when pressed, admitted that he wasn't exactly sure who or what they were but he knows it when he sees it 

I'm not particularly interested in any of this, but I'm enjoying talking to him nonetheless. Oh, there are my friends! They just walked in. See ya around, my man! Thanks for talking my ear off for roughly twenty minutes while this party punch kicked in!

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Pics and Vids: "First Of All, Ew"

Ha! They turned the Shit Girls Say Twitter feed into a video clip and it's hilarious. Just watch.

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Join Me For A LIVE UsedWigs Podcast Taping at L’etage on Tuesday, Dec. 20th!!

From the UsedWigs site:

UsedWigs Holiday Podcast Recording Session
When: Tuesday, December 20, 2011 @ 8:00pm
Where: L’etage on 624 South 6th Street
Admission: FREE!

Our UsedWigs Holiday Shows are always super fun. We’ll have gifts, awesome guests and lots of (snow)ball busting! Plus, you can eat holiday crepes filled with roasted chestnuts or snow or tinsel or any other fillings you want (we don’t judge you on what you eat at our shows.) Unless it’s reindeer, because that is awful and you should feel really ashamed for even asking the waiter about it. Anyway, get over your shame and come to this show or we’ll send Jack Frost (pictured) to come nip at your nose. (He has hidden tiger teeth!) I mentioned guests, and boy oh boy, we are super pumped to have two lovely ladies join us to spread some holiday cheer!

Guests include Anna Goldfarb, a Philadelphia-based author, humorist, and screenwriter. She writes about bonerkillers on Shmitten Kitten and you can follow her on Twitter at @ShmittenKitten. And, Molly Davis, a very funny and popular Twitter personality who hates both her upstairs neighbor and hummus. Don’t bring either to the show! Check in with Molly on Twitter at @Molly_Kats.

This is all taking place at a bar so you can swig a beer while you hear me talk about my two favorite things: being insanely tall and dating squirrely short guys. It's gonna be great. Come!

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Pics and Vids: Real Life Problems

via Shlooby Kitten

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5 Seconds of Summer

via our sister site, Shlooby Kitten

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Pics and Vids: I'm Sorry, But This Is The Funniest Image I've Ever Seen

Wow. Just, wow. I'm gonna start using this an excuse too: "Officer, I'm a slave to the rhythm, you see?" It has a nice ring to it. 

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Words We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "We"

This is what I'm like as soon as the word "we" winds its way through my ear canal

"Did you see The Muppet Movie yet? I saw it last week and loved it. It was hilarious."

"Yeah! Actually, we saw it on opening night. It was great."

We? We? WE? What's this "we" shit? I was talking to him in the singular and he responded in the plural. THAT'S how he's letting me know that he's with a new girl, by interjecting "we" into his stupid ass sentence out of nowhere? FUCK THAT SO HARD! Fuck it right in its smug, plural fucking face. 

He probably thinks he's being subtle by slipping "we" instead of "I" in like that, but it's not subtle at all. What, now he can't use singular pronouns because he's been on roughly four dates with some above average-looking mystery woman? Ugh. It makes me wanna kick him in the dick with a muddy boot.

Honestly, It would've been better if he had said, "I saw it last week with this girl who I just started seeing. It was great." By jumping ahead to "we" out of nowhere, it makes it sound like he's really saying, "Back off, lady! I'm a taken man so don't get any funny ideas or nuthin'." Alright, alright. Don't worry, bud. I'm only like 3% interested in you and I resent feeling like you had to flash some giant "Do not pass go!" sign at me as if I were writing our initials with a heart around 'em on Trapper Keepers or some shit. *clenches fists and scrunches up nose*

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