February 28, 2011
Cool Baggy Shirt, Bud
I hate his stupid baggy shirt. I feel like he might be trying to camouflage a potential moob situation. But honestly, I'd rather see a slight outline of a flabby moob than see several yards of extra fabric floating around his mid-section like he's in a dream sequence.
Well, watching him walk up to hug me feels more like a nightmare because I'm afraid my hands are going to get tangled up in this x-large pillowcase of a top. Seriously, a kindergarten class could huddle under this shirt on goof-off day in gym class; that's how excessively baggy this garment is. It's gross.
February 26, 2011
Pics and Vids: Can't Buy Me Lotus Flower
Here's a mashup of "Lotus Flower" with the classic '80s movie, "Can't Buy Me Love." Seriously, this is the funniest thing I've seen all day (since the last thing I posted five minutes ago.) IT'S HILARIOUS!
On a related note, bolo ties make everything better.
[via]
On a related note, bolo ties make everything better.
[via]
Get The Memo
I don't know if you're new around here or what, but I get a kick out of posting all sorts of things that I think you'll dig. Not only do I regularly update both the Shmitten Kitten Facebook page and my Twitter page with silly musings and links to things I think are cool, but I'm going to start offering exclusive mixes and running more contests on them as well. Like or follow SK on those jawns, if you haven't already.
To recap: like Shmitten Kitten on FB and follow me on the ol' tweet machine and have your life improved in small but measurable ways.
To thank you for reading this, I will now post one of my favorite .gifs of all time for your enjoyment.
To recap: like Shmitten Kitten on FB and follow me on the ol' tweet machine and have your life improved in small but measurable ways.
To thank you for reading this, I will now post one of my favorite .gifs of all time for your enjoyment.
February 24, 2011
Looking Around This Bar, I'd Seriously Consider Hooking Up With At Least One-Third Of The Patrons
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| Presenter |
By the pool table alone, I count five contenders. Two of them have cool jeans, one guy has a cool hat, one guy has cool glasses and one guy has a cool shirt. From where I'm sitting (on a barstool roughly ten feet away) any of these guys could potentially emerge as a person of interest.
Shit, the guy with the moustache sitting next to me is looking good too. Really, any of these guys would do. It feels like a candy store in here and I'm about to pick-a-mix these fuckers. I can't even decide who I want to eyebang. It's madness!
(This post is dedicated to Cole's, my new favorite dive bar in Chicago where--no joke--every guy was super hot. They should just rename the place Fiancee's because I wanted to marry almost every guy I saw. It was like a short guy convention in there. I briefly considered ripping my e-ticket in half, staying in Chi-town and taking up residence under a corner table while I rotate several husbands like a reverse Big Love.)
Reader Submitted Pic: Don't You Wish You Could Just Dislike His Ass?
You guys, our reader Kate MADE THIS image with her own little hands exclusively for us. This is the closest thing we've ever had to fan art!
According to her, she was inspired to create this pic because "everyone has that guy we know we should give up on. Your friends will ask, 'Why do you still talk to him?' Lord, if we could help it, we wouldn't. But oh, if it were only that easy!"
DISLIKE HIS ASS!
According to her, she was inspired to create this pic because "everyone has that guy we know we should give up on. Your friends will ask, 'Why do you still talk to him?' Lord, if we could help it, we wouldn't. But oh, if it were only that easy!"
DISLIKE HIS ASS!
February 23, 2011
Pics and Vids: Choose Your Hero
H/t to Erich for this.
[via comically vintage]
February 22, 2011
FUCK YOU. That Is The BEST FUCKING PEA COAT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE
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| Seriously, fuck you in the face, bud |
When he flipped the collar up, I was like, "Whaaaa?" He could be wearing scrubs under that fucker and I wouldn't even care. He could be wearing nothing but a barrel and suspenders, but as long as he has that handsome fucking pea coat on, I'd hit that shit, yo. Straight up. I'm not even playin'.
I wanna walk arm-in-arm around Rittenhouse Square sipping hot fucking chocolate with this dickhole, giggling at whatever. I wanna sit on the edge of those stone risers and kiss his ears and his stupid fucking cheeks and be like, "Yeah, this fucker is with me. BOOYAH, BITCHES! I know you're jelly as hell so don't even front."
February 21, 2011
Things I'm Terrible At: Dating Two Guys At Once
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| Remember when Alex P. Keaton had two dates to the prom? He sucked at this too. |
I can't keep anything straight: Is this the one that has the shellfish allergy or was it the other guy? Is this the guy with two sisters or is he the one with four brothers? Is this the one who studied abroad in France or is this the one that's never been on an airplane?
I'll even slip up a few times and say, "Let's grab some ice cream." And, he'll say, "Anna, you know I don't eat dairy. I've told you that a million times" Then I'll mumble, "Oh! You're the one that is lactose intolerant. Right." It's totally obvious that I'm a fuck-up at this.
And, frankly, it takes too much time to juggle two guys. Quizzo on Thursday with the first guy. Dinner on Friday with the second guy. Dinner on Saturday with the first guy again. So many meals, so many drinks, so many conversations to potentially mess up: Who has this much time to devote to seeing men anyway?
Count me out. I prefer to ruin one relationship at a time; ruining two at once is like fighting a war in Iraq AND a war Afghanistan and how dumb would that be?
Reader Submitted Quick Rant: Am I Picking Up What You're Putting Down?
From Eric, who wants us to understand that he doesn't want to be misunderstood.
Is it wishful thinking to believe a woman might pepper ordinary conversation with hidden meaning or am I looking for something that isn’t really there?
When chatting up a potential squeeze, I often feel as though multiple lines of communication are available, but I’m unwisely using only one of them. Moreover, even though I’m paying close attention to the words she’s speaking, I seem to be missing nine-tenths of the information she’s sending my way.
It’s like we’re characters in a spy novel, meeting covertly in a crowded café behind the Iron Curtain, except that I’m not getting all the winks and nudges. When she spots the counter-surveillance and says we’re hot, I remove my hat and ask the waiter for something cool.I always say exactly what I mean. Except when I don't.
And why, after she asked for the third time how far my apartment is from the pub, did I fail to realize that she didn’t want me to count city blocks or use GPS technology to approximate the number of miles?
Sadly, I’m as incompetent at sending as I am at receiving. Cryptic messages, that is. If only I were comically obvious or impossibly obscure, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But I’m so focused on “hearing” what she’s “saying” that I’m unaware of how wildly I’m being misinterpreted. At a Mediterranean BYOB, I mentioned that I like both hummus and baba ganoush, meaning we should get a plate of each. She got this, but she also got the “eating oysters” and “eating snails” scene from the movie SPARTACUS. She thought I was using an innocent order of appetizers to proclaim my liberal sexuality. Normally, I wait for the Greek coffee.
However, I sometimes feel that she willfully hears more than I’ve said. When she asked what I needed while she finished getting ready, I glanced around her living room and noted the absence of magazines on her coffee table. “Stimulation,” I answered. So why did she throw her cat at me?
February 18, 2011
I Love Love Love Scrawny Old Punks At The Gym
SCRAWNY OLD PUNK GUYS AT THE GYM RULE. I love watching them bop around, gettin' their pump on. You can spot 'em a mile away because they definitely stand out from the gorilla juiceheads. They have blurry leg tats, ratty sneakers, and thin, worn band t-shirts riddled with holes near the collar and armpits.Their Umbro shorts are like flour: all-purpose. They're probably the same shorts that they shuffle around the house in, sleep in, and run their Sunday errands in. Now, they're being re-purposed as their workout shorts and you can tell that they're having trouble with this new assignment because they seem like they're struggling just trying to stay up around his hips. I could probably tug 'em off pretty easily with only my pinky toe.
Scrawny old punk guys are all skinny but with a bit of a beer belly that they're trying to get rid of and they're all around the place: You can see 'em huffing and puffing on the treadmill. They're contorting their faces at the shoulder press machine. They're stretching out on the mat with crummy, blown out socks that slouch around their ankles like tiny yarn hula hoops.
I'm not sure what kind of music they get stoked to on their iPods, but if I had to bet money on it, I'd bet that they were listening to old skool albums by Minor Threat, Converge, Unbroken, and/or Snapcase. At least, I hope they are.
The only problem with scrawny old punks at the gym is that they never notice me checking them out. They are totally oblivious. And, I wouldn't dream of striking up conversation with one. They're a skittish sort anyway, add some sweaty cotton clothes to the mix, and it's a disaster. I just have to stand back and watch 'em do their thing, like they're koalas gnawing on eucalyptus at the zoo. It's for the best.
Bonerkiller: Watching Him Be Transfixed By The TV Mounted Over The Bar
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| If I wanted to watch him stare at the TV I wouldn't have worn this dress |
However, the downside is that now he's not trying as hard to impress me. He's feeling confident that I'm gonna stick around so he's starting to let his older habits seep through; he'll take a little bit longer to return a text. Then, he'll show up a few minutes late for our next date. Both of those things, he'll reason, are no big deal. And, they aren't, but they do indicate an alarming new trend where he's slipping off his game. Fuck that.
And one of the surest signs that he is over courting me is when he stares at TVs while we're out together. He's officially tossing in the courting towel here. He'll nod a lot and say "uh huh" when I'm telling him a story. I'll notice that he's not actively engaging with me so I'll follow his eyeline that's focused to the TV mounted over the bar behind me. Oh. Great.
Sometimes he will snap out of it and apologize for tuning out. Other times, he'll just keep watching the game and expect me to wait until the end/ half time/ end of the quarter to resume conversation. How considerate.
I'll usually sit and wait it out because I'm not gonna throw a hissy fit that he's not paying attention to me every minute of the date; that seems ridiculous. But if I have to compete for his attention with this stupid TV much longer, I WILL hop over this counter and turn that fucker off.
February 16, 2011
My Crush On Him May Be Dead
I know I just said that my crush on him was dead and gone, but there is always the possibility of hooking up with him in the future. Maybe it'll be next week or next month or next year, but it can't be ruled out.
And, right after we have our first kiss, I'll whisper in his ear, "I used to have the biggest crush on you."
And, he'll be like, "No way!"
And, I'll be like "yes!":
Then, I'll shrug like:
And, right after we have our first kiss, I'll whisper in his ear, "I used to have the biggest crush on you."
And, he'll be like, "No way!"
And, I'll be like "yes!":
Then, I'll shrug like:
Just Between Us, His New Girl Seems Like A Better Fit For Him
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| Dude, they're perfect for each other |
Reading through a few dozen of her tweets, I've been able to deduce that she:
- loves fast food
- smokes cigarettes
- works at a bar
- swears a lot
- spells words wrong all the time
You can't see me, but I'm doing a slow clap over here. I'm so happy for them! Truly.
R.I.P. My Crush On Him
I used to do this when I'd get ready to go out: I'd look in the mirror and think, "What if I run into him tonight? Am I happy with this dress?" Then I'd shake my head no and toss on a lower-cut dress that showed off my rack better. He'd get in my head like that, as a good crush should.
But lately, I don't feel that spark. When he uploads a new picture, I don't even click on it to silently judge him and the girl he has his arm around. It's not in me anymore! I know, NO ONE is more surprised than me that it's come to this. After too many months of him not making a move, it's time for me and my low-cut dresses to move on to greener, more receptive pastures.
R.I.P. My Crush. Donations can be made to my Sipping White Wine Like A Classy Lady fund (because now I don't have to get trashed to work up the courage to talk to him.)
February 15, 2011
February 14, 2011
For Your Ears Only: A Shmitten Kitten Mix From Edward Gieda III
Little known fact: when I first moved to Philly eight years ago, Eddie was the only person I knew and I've met so many rad people through him. He introduced me to my best friend, Jenna, which I'm forever grateful for. How cool is that? So cool. He makes this city a better place and I'm lucky to call him my bud.
If this mix doesn't make your day brighter, then I don't even know what. Listen to it, download it, share it: HAPPY V DAY, Y'ALL!
Here's Shmitten Kitten's Valentine's Day Mix, Yo
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| "Aaaaaaay, Happy Valentine's Day" |
Click on the Fonz to download it or just click here: whatever blows your hair back. Enjoy!
- Gloomy Monday Morning - The Black Hollies
- Under Cover Of Darkness - The Strokes
- Sink/Let It Sway - Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
- Fall Hard - Shout Out Louds
- Hell Knows I'm In Love - Hammarin & Robin
- Summertime - My Chemical Romance
- Spit the Dark - Empires
- Mind Blindness - Dirty on Purpose
- The Shaded Forests - Deastro
- Let's Go Surfing - The Drums
- Two - The Antlers
- 15 To 20 - The Phenomenal Handclap Band
- No Strings (Prod by Classixx) - Mayer Hawthorne
- One More Try (feat. Har Mar Superstar) - GAYNGS
February 11, 2011
Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "I Don't Like Sushi"
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| Bye bye bye, sushi shunners |
"Raw fish feels gross in my mouth," he'll say, squirming in his seat. Well, then don't have raw fish. Have the shrimp or the tofu or the miso soup or the terriyaki or the tempura. When I rattle off his options, he shakes his head, holding his ground. "I don't like it. It's not for me. Let's just have Chinese food or something."
He's gonna turn his nose up at all Japanese cuisine now? What the hell? Japanese food in all forms is delicious and he's wrong.
Honestly, I couldn't see myself settling down with a sushi denier. It would never work. I'd crave a kickass spicy tuna roll and he'll be rocking in the corner babbling about the texture of raw fish in his mouth like a big baby. Who needs it?
February 10, 2011
February 8, 2011
Story Time: What's The Dumbest Text You've Ever Received?
Which one made you wanna kick his stupid phone outta his hand because it was so ridiculous/ bizarre/ downright braindead? Tell me in the comments.
Pics and Vids: I'm Still Oblivious After All These Years
File this under: things I still don't understand even though I'm supposedly an adult (or at least legally recognized as one in a court of law). Don't try to explain it to me; just let me exist in a shrinkage-free world. That's all I'm asking here.
February 7, 2011
What's The Deal With Vocalizing The "L" Word?
Saying "I love you" is the most meaningful thing you can say to someone. I don't take that shit lightly. But, the timing has got to be perfect with something like this. Saying it too soon is like mentioning your cat's UTI on the first date: Awkward.
I have friends that are big fans of saying "I love you" for the first time the moment they feel it. But what if the object of your affection doesn't say it back? It's heartbreaking, like showing him your old BOP magazine collection only to have him rip it up and spit on it.
Sometimes you just gotta pray that the words come out simultaneously with your beau, kinda like Slash selling out the few fans he has left at the exact moment Fergie gave the worst performance of her career. Sometimes things just work out like that in a perfect "OMG, me too!" moment. I'm going to turn to the Waterful Ring-toss to illustrate my point here:
And, here's what it feels like when it doesn't go well:
I dated one guy who told me he was in love with me before we were officially dating. I had only known him for two weeks and it really freaked me out. That was a case of too much too soon. On the other hand, I dated someone who never said it, even after dating for three years. I feel like Goldilocks: There HAS to be an acceptable middle ground here.
I have friends that are big fans of saying "I love you" for the first time the moment they feel it. But what if the object of your affection doesn't say it back? It's heartbreaking, like showing him your old BOP magazine collection only to have him rip it up and spit on it.
Sometimes you just gotta pray that the words come out simultaneously with your beau, kinda like Slash selling out the few fans he has left at the exact moment Fergie gave the worst performance of her career. Sometimes things just work out like that in a perfect "OMG, me too!" moment. I'm going to turn to the Waterful Ring-toss to illustrate my point here:
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| When saying "I love you" for the first time goes perfectly |
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| Good luck with that |
I dated one guy who told me he was in love with me before we were officially dating. I had only known him for two weeks and it really freaked me out. That was a case of too much too soon. On the other hand, I dated someone who never said it, even after dating for three years. I feel like Goldilocks: There HAS to be an acceptable middle ground here.
What is it about the "L" word that some people take it so lightly and others take so seriously? I hate this bullshit! Pass me the Doritos: at least I'm confident that I love them and they will love me back, no perfectly-timed vocalization necessary.
February 6, 2011
I Love Love Love Guys Listen To Lifetime
In the history of Shmitten Kitten, this post has been the hardest one for me to write. I've probably started it a dozen different times over the course of a year but I've never been able to adequately capture my feelings about this band and the guys that listen to them. I'd find myself getting lost in a maze of nostalgia and I'd get tangled up telling stories that I wasn't sure how to tell properly.
I'd start to talk about how my first boyfriend ever introduced me to them and how special that was, but I don't want write about that. Then, I tried talking about how they were the last band I saw play before I moved away to college and how important that show was to me, but I don't want to talk about that either. Then, I noodled around with writing about how their album "Jersey's Best Dancers" resonated deeply with me as I moved to a new city and was riddled with anxiety about leaving my loved ones behind but that sounds like a shitty Felicity plotline. I scrapped that too.
I couldn't even decide which YouTube video I'd want to include along with this post because there are too many Lifetime songs that are meaningful to me. Should I go with "Rodeo Clown," the first song of theirs that I learned all the words to? Or, should I go with "Theme Song for A New Brunswick Basement Show" which buzzed around my head when I would get dizzy with homesickness? It's probably one of the only songs that could still make me cry if I listen to it at certain times (no emo). Maybe I should go with "(The Gym Is) Neutral Territory," the catchiest song I've ever heard about hating someone. Or maybe "Ostrichsized," arguably the best album-ender song I've ever heard. See? It's like trying to pick a favorite character on "Parks and Recreation." I can't do it!
Looking back, all of my favorite guys I've dated have loved this band. I don't know why, they just do. My guess is that they connect with the energy of the music, the smart lyrics, and the overall attitude of the punky, short songs. And, not to over-analyze it too much, but Lifetime is just plain fun to listen to. They get it. And, I get that too. And, that's probably why I love them so much.
Previously: I Love Love Love Guys That Listen to The Misfits
I Love Love Love Guys That Listen to The Descendents
I'd start to talk about how my first boyfriend ever introduced me to them and how special that was, but I don't want write about that. Then, I tried talking about how they were the last band I saw play before I moved away to college and how important that show was to me, but I don't want to talk about that either. Then, I noodled around with writing about how their album "Jersey's Best Dancers" resonated deeply with me as I moved to a new city and was riddled with anxiety about leaving my loved ones behind but that sounds like a shitty Felicity plotline. I scrapped that too.
I couldn't even decide which YouTube video I'd want to include along with this post because there are too many Lifetime songs that are meaningful to me. Should I go with "Rodeo Clown," the first song of theirs that I learned all the words to? Or, should I go with "Theme Song for A New Brunswick Basement Show" which buzzed around my head when I would get dizzy with homesickness? It's probably one of the only songs that could still make me cry if I listen to it at certain times (no emo). Maybe I should go with "(The Gym Is) Neutral Territory," the catchiest song I've ever heard about hating someone. Or maybe "Ostrichsized," arguably the best album-ender song I've ever heard. See? It's like trying to pick a favorite character on "Parks and Recreation." I can't do it!
Looking back, all of my favorite guys I've dated have loved this band. I don't know why, they just do. My guess is that they connect with the energy of the music, the smart lyrics, and the overall attitude of the punky, short songs. And, not to over-analyze it too much, but Lifetime is just plain fun to listen to. They get it. And, I get that too. And, that's probably why I love them so much.
Previously: I Love Love Love Guys That Listen to The Misfits
I Love Love Love Guys That Listen to The Descendents
February 4, 2011
My Boring Date
He called me up on the phone
And asked me out for this weekend
I was stoked because he had a good job
And seemed like a nice guy.
We even had a few friends in common. Seems perfect, right?
He's a bit older than me but that's cool; I like mature guys.
I was excited to see how the date would go.
But when picked me up, his outfit was wack. He wore a hemp necklace, a vest and shiny black shoes with baggy jeans.
I tried to overlook his terrible fashion choices because he might be a good person, which is what counts.
He took me to a fancy restaurant that he's been wanting to try for a while.
But, during dinner, he wouldn't stop talking about himself
And golf
And politics
And the stock market.
He didn't laugh at any of my pop culture jokes.
He said he doesn't watch TV and when he does, it's only to watch sports.
The check came and he paid for it.
Then, I suggested we go see my friend's band who were playing down the street. He agreed to go but seemed out of his element.
He said it was too loud for him.
And he started yawning at 11pm.
When he dropped me off at my house, he tried to kiss me.
But I jumped out before he could.
Then he called and texted me a ton trying to see me again.
I finally told him that I wasn't interested and deleted his number.
THE END
And asked me out for this weekend
I was stoked because he had a good job
And seemed like a nice guy.
We even had a few friends in common. Seems perfect, right?
He's a bit older than me but that's cool; I like mature guys.
I was excited to see how the date would go.
But when picked me up, his outfit was wack. He wore a hemp necklace, a vest and shiny black shoes with baggy jeans.
I tried to overlook his terrible fashion choices because he might be a good person, which is what counts.
He took me to a fancy restaurant that he's been wanting to try for a while.
But, during dinner, he wouldn't stop talking about himself
And golf
And politics
And the stock market.
He didn't laugh at any of my pop culture jokes.
He said he doesn't watch TV and when he does, it's only to watch sports.
The check came and he paid for it.
Then, I suggested we go see my friend's band who were playing down the street. He agreed to go but seemed out of his element.
He said it was too loud for him.
And he started yawning at 11pm.
When he dropped me off at my house, he tried to kiss me.
But I jumped out before he could.
Then he called and texted me a ton trying to see me again.
I finally told him that I wasn't interested and deleted his number.
THE END
