Attention Women Who Like To Blog And/Or Learn: My Skillshare Class Is In ONE WEEK!

Yup, we're only ONE WEEK away from my upcoming Skillshare class, "Blogging Basics for Girls." It's all going down on Wednesday, September 7th from 7pm - 9pm at the Field House on 12th and Filbert. While I'm using the caps lock button here, have you SEEN my Powerpoints yet? Not to toot my own Powerpointing horn, but they're amazing. *pats my own back while nodding like a pleased gangster*

Here's the class description if you don't feel like clicking on the link:

Fact: women look cute blogging

This class will teach girl bloggers of all skill levels how to maximize their blog's potential. We will go over things all bloggers should know. Everything from the pros and cons of different platforms, analyzing stats, implementing RSS feeds, building traffic, and utilizing social media effectively will be discussed in a relaxed and fun environment. All women are welcome to attend whether you've had a blog for years or just started yours on a whim last week and have no idea what an RSS feed is or why you should have one. Don't worry about it; I'll guide you through it all. Sorry, guys! This class is for women only.

Feel free to bring something to take notes on. You can bring your laptop if you want, but it's not mandatory. I plan on showing an entertaining Powerpoint presentation along with a funny lecture so come hang out, have a drink from the bar, and enjoy yourself while we go over ways to kick your blog into high gear. And, bring your business card if you have one. We'll trade 'em like Garbage Pail Kids.

After the class, I will email all the students a cheat sheet with any relevant links I talked about so you can explore them further at your convenience.

There are only 5 spots left so snap yer ticket up, yo and let's get this (instructional and informative) party started! Weeeeeeeee.

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Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Old, Crusty Jars Of Hair Product

Well, look at this little pot of L'Oreal nonsense nestled in amongst his rusted razors and dusty plastic combs. I was hoping to find an errant Q-tip in here but since I've stumbled on this goo, now I feel like I'm discovering a new life form. How could I not investigate further?

Of course I'll unscrew the top and take a sniff because I'm a masochist. The little bits of dried gel flake off, dusting my clothes in a fine, chalky powder. I'll wince as the particles waft up my nose. It smells like what can only be described as an armpit high-fiving the Adirondack mountains.

Maybe I'll even put a dab between my fingers and roll it around if I really hate my life. It has a gooey, sticky texture, like a giant's booger. 

I'd consider tossing it in the trash but I know that'd be overstepping my bounds. Maybe he likes having it there in case he needs spiky hair for a Halloween costume? Who knows. I'll just toss the tub back in the drawer, wash my hands and pretend that this little crusty product run-in never happened.

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The Rollercoaster of Emotions Brought On By His Accidental Butt Dial

I get excited when a guy I haven't heard from in a long time calls me and leaves a voicemail message.


Then I get sad when I realize it was an accidental butt dial because the 12 minute-long message is his back pocket rubbing against his phone.


Then I get happy again because my number's still in his cell.


Then I get sad again because the only time I hear from him is by accident.

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Pics and Vids: If Google Were Yer Boyfriend

Gotta say, this was good for a laugh. Meet G-Male, the "perfect" guy. On the plus, side he is a really good listener.

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Oh No He Di'int Talk About His Ex-Girlfriend A Ton While We're On Our First Date

I can't believe it's--stops and checks watch--2011 and guys still bring up their ex-girlfriends to me right off the bat. Men, guys, and boys: please refrain from doing this! It's not fun for me to listen to. In fact, listening him prattle on about his exes is the opposite of fun for me. It's 0% fun, men, guys, and boys. Please stop because I don't give a shit. 

I would prefer he talk about seeing Crazytown play once in high school. I would prefer it if he talked about how his cousin is in jail. Hell, I would prefer it if he droned on about filling in his LinkedIn profile. Really, almost anything would be better than hearing him fill the space between my ears with these lame stories.

For a second I thought that I had a "Tell me more about your ex" sign on my back, but after a quick glance over my shoulder, I realized that it wasn't the case; he just doesn't have any manners. I'll try and communicate my discomfort by shifting in my seat, fidgeting, and/or avoiding eye contact. That has never worked so I'm going to have to devise a new plan. Maybe triggering an air horn in his face? Maybe spitting ice cubes at him until he changes the subject? Maybe spelling out "Shut the fuck up" with his french fries? All of these strategies will be considered.

Here's the thing: hearing about his exes hurts my feelings in a weird way. It's rude! It's like he's trying to tell me that I'm not special or something. Yes, I know I'm in a long line of women that will wander in and out of his life, but he doesn't have to bring that to my attention before we even nosh on a freakin' app. Can't he just play it cool and not mention an ex-girlfriend for the first hour and a half of this stupid date? Is that really too much to ask? Sometimes, I think it is.

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It's Just About Time For A New Mix For The Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club

It's almost September 1st, which means it's time for a new mix to go out to my Mix of the Month Club members. I have over 1,100 people signed up so far which is still bonkers to me. Not a member? Sign up and join the club already! If you join before September 1st, I'll send you ALL FOUR MIXES I've done so far for the club. Yes, May, June, July, and August's mixes will be in your inbox like *that* (I'm snapping right now). I mean, look at our logo: how can this not be fun?

Don't sleep on this! So much free music; so much free fun. Sign up right now to snap 'em up. DO IT!

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When We're Totally Hitting Off But I Realize That His Breath Straight Up Stinks

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A Video For All Of You Hurricaners Out There

I thought that this video might be appropriate considering our situation.

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How On Earth Is This Not A Thing Yet?

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Pics and Vids: This Item Goes Well With...

This was too funny to not post.

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Pics and Vids: Texting 101

Sounds about right. 

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Bonerkiller: Guys Who Think They're Being Profound When They're Not

This is gonna sound harsh, but this guy is not as profound as he thinks he is. I let a few things slide in the beginning of our courtship because I found the way he'd rattle off his deep thoughts amusing. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, hoping he was trying to impress me by stringing these seemingly half-baked thoughts together so I played along.

But now it's a few weeks in and I'm realizing that he's not trying to impress me so much as he's trying to let me know that he's more intelligent than me. And, I can't stand it especially since his thoughts aren't that deep!

For example, he once told me that, "the problem with most people is that they just can't understand the trajectory we're on as a planet. It's like, I wish people would just realize that time isn't forever even though it can feel like it is, you know?" My eyes glazed over just typing that. I'm pretty sure that he just wanted to say the word "trajectory" in conversation.

The few times I engaged him and offered a counterpoint opinion, it didn't end well. He became annoyed with me, like I couldn't grasp his genius. There is nothing even remotely genuis going on here. It's a genius-free zone, bud. Anyone can say some words out loud while squinting and looking off into the distance; that doesn't mean shit! I wish I could just shove a sock in his piehole sometimes. How's that for a profound thought?

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What Everyone THINKS Happened On My Date vs. What REALLY Happened On My Date

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Get Ready To Do The Arm Gesture Arsenio Hall Did When He Was Excited: Tonight I Will Be Presenting At The Philadelphia Geek Awards!

Guys, that's me on the bottom right! ------------------------------------------------->

I'm honored to be presenting at the Philadelphia Geek Awards tonight. I'll be giving away the award for best new blog, which I'm thrilled about. It's the last award of the evening so when I'm done, we can all party together. I have a few hopes for the event tonight. In particular, I hope:

• I don't trip on the way to the stage
• I don't trip on stage
• I don't trip exiting the stage
• I don't trip walking back to my seat

If I somehow accomplish that feat, the night will be a resounding success. Good luck to all the nominees and good luck to me that I don't wipeout in a public way.

Are you going to the Philly Geek Awards? If you see me, come up and say hi!

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How To Get Over A Breakup in 10 Easy-ish Steps: A Shmitten Kitten Powerpoint Presentation

Here's the slideshow I presented at the Skillshare kickoff party last night. I thought you guys would get a kick out of it! Pretend I'm standing in front of a large crowd cracking jokes into a microphone while you watch it.



Thanks to everyone at Skillshare for asking me to participate, especially Brendan. I had a blast meeting a ton of cool people last night. Speaking of Skillshare, there's still room in the Skillshare class I'm teaching, "Blogging Basics for Girls," if you wanna attend. Click on the link for further details.

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "Hey Stranger"

I've been busy! I don't know

He might as well text me, "What's up, girl who blew me off? Haha. Nah, it's cool. Don't worry about it. I'm totally cool about the whole thing. Can't you tell I'm cool about it? This text is like, the most casual thing I've ever sent. It's more casual then the ratty Umbros I'm wearing. Haha. No, but seriously, wanna hang out?"

Just for the record: having a guy text me nothing but, "Hey, stranger" has NEVER resulted in my wanting to see him more. I know that we haven't talked in many moons. Entire seasons of Entourage have aired in the time we haven't talked. Believe me, I'm aware. I don't need his passive aggressive text reminding me of that fact.

Calling me "stranger" makes me feel like I somehow dropped the ball, like he's saying, "Where have you been?" It's not like I went away on a pilgrimage to Tibet and I've been unreachable for two years. I haven't joined the circus or been marooned on the International Space Station; I'm right here in Philly doing what I always do. I go out dancing Saturday nights at Barbarella. I grab beers at Johnny Brenda's. I tweet a ton with frequent updates about the shit I do. It's no mystery. The only thing that's strange here is this lame attempt at establishing contact via a lazy text.

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Attention People In Philadelphia Who Like Learning: The Skillshare Launch Party Is Tomorrow Night!

Yup, the Skillshare kickoff party is tomorrow, August 16th at the Field House from 7pm - 9pm and it's FREE. Get there on the early side because the word on the street is that I might do a quick class on how to get over a breakup. As an amateur relationship analyst (I just made that title up), I have a few insider tips on the subject. It will be a good time. 

And, if you are a woman in Philadelphia who has a blog, I strongly urge you to attend my upcoming Skillshare class, "Blogging Basics for Girls." It's all going down on Wednesday, September 7th from 7pm-9pm at the Field House on 12th and Filbert. Where else can you have a drink and talk about RSS feeds with a bunch of other rad girls? Don't answer that. Here's the class description:

Instead of teaching you about love candles,
I'll teach you about blogging tips and tricks

This class will teach girl bloggers of all skill levels how to maximize their blog's potential. We will go over things all bloggers should know. Everything from the pros and cons of different platforms, analyzing stats, implementing RSS feeds, building traffic, and utilizing social media effectively will be discussed in a relaxed and fun environment. All women are welcome to attend whether you've had a blog for years or just started yours on a whim last week and have no idea what an RSS feed is or why you should have one. Don't worry about it; I'll guide you through it all. Sorry, guys! This class is for women only.

Feel free to bring something to take notes on. You can bring your laptop if you want, but it's not mandatory. I plan on showing an entertaining Powerpoint presentation along with a funny lecture so come hang out, have a drink from the bar, and enjoy yourself while we go over ways to kick your blog into high gear. And, bring your business card if you have one. We'll trade 'em like Garbage Pail Kids.

After the class, I will email all the students a cheat sheet with any relevant links I talked about so you can explore them further at your convenience.

I'm putting together the SICKEST Powerpoint presentation to show you guys. I'm not gonna give anything away, but it's going to make Transformers look like the freakin' Teletubbies. Snap yer ticket up because my class WILL sell out.

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Where Every Ex Of Mine Has Ever Lived

It's right next to the Shittay Pizzeria and the Filthi Dirti Dive Bar.

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Flippin Our Shades At By Surprise's Rob Wilcox

I loved Rob when he was a Y-Rock DJ and production assistant for World Cafe on NPR. He recently moved to New York to work for a music and entertainment agency called The Syndicate, where he hangs out with bands/artists/record labels all day and helps get their music on the airwaves. When he's not helping other bands, he's playing guitar and singing in his own band called By Surprise, who recently released their first LP, "Mountain Smashers." Here's the video for their song, "$600 Exorcism."

Helllloooooo, kitty.

Rob took a break from all that jazz to answer some questions:

SK: What's your idea of a perfect date?
Spending time with someone where it's either really quiet or really loud. There's benefits to both, depending on where you go!

SK: What do most guys do wrong when they're out with a girl?
I think that you can easily overthink things and come across as fake if you're not confident. The more you worry, the more she'll catch on.

SK: What's the worst thing a girl can do on a date?
The usual things: Bringing up an ex-guy-thing can always make things awkward. Looking at your cell phone constantly. Having a Negative Nancy personality or saying mean shit about other people. Those are usually bad signs.

SK: Tell us a secret!
I always part my hair to the right.

SK: Where's the most romantic place in Philly?
At one point it was the old South Street Bridge where they had these cool observation platforms that were secluded from the roadway. It was a nice place to relax that was off the beaten path. These days, when it's nice out, walking around Swann Fountain is always enjoyable. And, of course, Rittenhouse Square Park.

SK: What do you like most about Philly girls?
I've always found Philly girls to have a very casual but quirky fashion sense. I've always been attracted to that. Philly girls are also much more dedicated to having a strong sense of community and tend to take pride in their neighborhood. I guess you might find that up here too, but it usually only applies to girls that live in Brooklyn.

SK: What would you put on a mixtape for a girl that you liked?
See, the thing with making a mix for a special girl is that I like to get a feel for who they are (and in some case, who "we" are) before I put one together. I like my song choices to have either hidden or obvious meanings. Here's a handful of songs I've relied on in the past to convey "I Like You":

1. Rainer Maria - "Automatic Beauty"
2. Paul Westerberg - "Dyslexic Heart"
3. It's a King Thing - "Hangin' Out"
4. The Weakerthans - "The Reasons"
5. Ramona Cordova - "Hot and Heavy Harmony"
6. The Halo Benders - "Inbread Heart"
7. The Promise Ring - "Make Me A Mixtape"
8. Sonic Youth - "Incinerate"
9. The Zombies - "The Way I Feel Inside"
10. The Smiths - "Ask"

You had me at NPR, but I think I'd melt faster than a gelato in a heatwave if that tape ever made it into my little hands. Check out Rob's band By Surprise when you get a minute. You'll thank me later!

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When A Guy Uses Some Weird Slang Term I've Never Heard Of And I Have No Freakin' Clue What He's Talking About

I'm using UrbanDictionary.com for like, every third word just trying to get a grip on the conversation here. Where does he even learn about these terms? A street-wise little cousin? Episodes of Beyond Scared Straight? A YMCA locker room? Who talks like this? It's madness!

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What Plays In My Head When I'm Out With A Guy Who Willingly Pays For Valet Parking

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Story Time: What Should Be The Dating Commandments?

Last night I wrote on the Shmitten Kitten Facebook page, "They must've ran out of room for the 11th commandment, "Thou shall not cockblock." I cracked myself up with that one.

But, it did get me thinking: what should be written as the dating commandments?

• Thou shall not text an emoticon unironically
• Thou shall not wear an overly funky belt buckle
• Thou shall not obsessively check a cell phone on a first date
• Thou shall make a reasonable effort to smell pleasant
• Thou shall honor our waiter or waitress
• Thou shall give me a dollar for the jukebox
• Thou shall not leave me at the table alone to smoke a cigarette outside
• Thou shall introduce me to any of your friends we run into
• Thou shall not have chapped lips

Any others you can think of? Leave 'em in the comments.

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The Next 25 People To Sign Up For The Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club Get ALL FOUR MIXES I've Done So Far!

We're only 25 people away from reaching 1,000 club members which is just bonkers to me. When I started the club in May, I thought it would be rad if I could get 50 people to join, so to say that I've been pleased with the response is the understatement of the year: I've been straight-up thrilled.

To celebrate this achievement, I'm giving the next 25 people who join the club ALL FOUR MIXES I've done so far. Yes, May, June, July, and August's mixes will be in your inbox like *that* (I'm snapping right now).

Don't sleep on this! So much free music; so much free fun. Sign up right now to snap 'em up. DO IT!

[Update: I'm happy to report that I now have over 1,000 subscribers to my Mix of the Month Club. Thanks, guys! We did it. Huzzah! Since I'm in such a good mood, I'm gonna send ALL FOUR MIXES I've done so far to the rest of the people who sign up for the rest of the month. And, if you're already signed up but missed out on a month or two, just email me at anna @ shmittenkitten.com letting me know which ones you want and I'll send 'em to you. Join this thing already!]

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Honestly, Dating Mark Hamill Sounds Kinda Boring

He had me until I learned that he's not going to take me to wild parties. Then it all went downhill from there and I felt like he was picking a fight with me preemptively. Relax! I'm not going to get annoying, possessive, or lazy if we date, dude. Jeez. And, it's so obvious that he's talking about one specific ex-girlfriend here. He should just add. "DON'T be named Jennifer. DON'T have a yappy dog that pees on my carpet. DON'T have a bitchy mother who is going to pressure me to marry you after dating for four years." I'm onto you, Mark Hamill!

via Rats Off!

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How To Get The Guy According To Movies

Here's my response to yesterday's post from Pleated Jeans about how to get a girl according to movies. Basically to bag a dude, it all boils down to putting up with his bullshit (but you probably knew that already.)

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Pics and Vids: "How To Get The Girl According to Movies"

 

This is hilarious.

via Pleated Jeans

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I Love Love Love Guys Who Look Good In The Summer

I know, Ricki, I'm stoked on his outfit too

Well, looky who just breezed into the barbecue with a six-pack of Kenzingers and the best fucking summer outfit I've ever seen in my entire life? I scanned him up and down. Everything was perfect:

• A pair of dirty, low-cut Chucks: BAM!
• Slim jean cutoff shorts that frayed at the knee: BAM!
• A soft, thin summery t-shirt: FUCKING BAM!
• Messy hair that's getting in his eyes: BAM!
• A little bit of sweat on his collar: HOLY SHIT FUCKING BAM!

Fuuuuuck. He looks like if Huck Finn mated with a member of the Strokes and their baby popped out and released a digital EP for free download. He looks like the Patron Saint of Giving High Fives. 

I wanna smell his earlobe. I wanna lick his neck. I wanna pop off his shirt and write my name on his back with my fingernail. I wanna take him to my favorite spot for iced coffee. I wanna see him lean against my stove and nod as I tell him about my day. I wanna play him my favorite Bob Dylan songs. I wanna hear about his old band (for up to five minutes.) I wanna make him grilled cheese. I wanna fall asleep in an air conditioned room with his arms around me watching episodes of The Universe.

This guy and his ratty outfit is the best thing about summer, HANDS DOWN.

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Pics and Vids: '80s Teens Gettin' Their Slow Dance On

Warning: there is some INTENSE eye-gazing between teenagers going on in this. It's starting to make me uncomfortable.

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A Beluga Whale Can Get Serenaded By A Mariachi Band

but I can't even get a guy to respond to a text message.

 

No fair.

via my Twitter

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Phrases We'd Like To Stab In The Face: "What Kind Of Guys Do You Normally Date?"

This must be my type (in his head)

Things were going spectacular. This guy had impeccable manners. When we got to the restaurant, he jumped out of his car and scurried to the other side to open my door while offering his hand to help me get out AND he pulled out my chair for me before we sat down at our table.

"Oh, wow. Thanks!" I said, pleased at the star treatment.

"You don't have to thank me. That's silly." He waved my gratitude off with his hand.

"I'm just saying it was nice of you to do that. That's all. I appreciate it. You're a real gentleman!" I was trying to salvage the compliment here.

"Of course I'll do those things for you. What kind of guys do you normally date? Do they not do that for you?" he asked, accusingly.

Okay. This sucks. I went from thinking that this was a guy I could FINALLY tell my mom about to being suddenly put on the defensive. How am I supposed to respond to that question? What does he wanna hear? Yes, I only date rude dudes. I date sixth grade bullies, men who've escaped from mental wards, and Vikings. In fact, I don't even date humans. I usually date apes who squeal at the top of their lungs, shit on the floor and throw their feces at me. Those are my usual companions so this is a real treat to be out with a homo sapien tonight.

Then I sat for a minute and thought about the kinds of dudes I usually date. Spoiler alert: they're normal dudes with normal jobs and now I'm on a date with HIM thinking about a lot of other men. Is that what he wanted?

I mean, what the fuck kind of question is that to ask me what kinds of guys I normally date? It sounds like he's saying it's my fault that guys don't pull out my chair at upscale restaurants 100% of the time. If they treated me well, then we wouldn't be on this date at all, fella. So, he should be happy that these brutes weren't up to muster.

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Pics and Vids: Apparently, Men Like Eating Salads Too

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When You See His New Girlfriend And You Briefly Consider Warning Her About What A Cheap, Lazy Jerk He Is

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Pics and Vids: Gollum, the Ringbearer

I know marriage is a little outside the scope of a dating blog, but this was too funny to not post. If this was my wedding and this guy crawled out from behind a rock, I would scream at the top of my lungs, throw my bouquet at him, and run. But, that's just me.



h/t to Mikey for this

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Class Notes: Wassssup?

Here are a few updates about what's been going on in Shmitten Kitten-land:

• If you are a woman in Philadelphia who has a blog, I strongly urge you to attend my upcoming Skillshare class, "Blogging Basics for Girls." It's all going down on Wednesday, September 7th from 7pm-9pm at the Field House on 12th and Filbert. I'm putting together the SICKEST Powerpoint presentation to show you guys. I'm not gonna give anything away, but it's going to make Avatar look like Meatballs. Snap yer ticket up because it WILL sell out.  
  
  
• We had a big week, contest-wise. Congrats to Ashley who won two VIP tickets to the POPPED! Music Festival. And, congrats to Cristina for winning dinner at Fork AND a movie at the Ritz East courtesy of the Philadelphia Film Society.
  
  
• Speaking of the POPPED! Music Festival, this month we have an exclusive mix for the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club featuring some of the bands that will be performing at POPPED! Want it? Sign up for the Club, man. We're almost at 1,000 subscribers which is just bonkers. The deal with the club is that I'll send you a free mix on the 1st of every month. It's free. It's fun. Why not, right?
  
  
• Are you attending the Philly Geek Awards on Friday, August 19th? I sure am! If you see me, I'll be the girl pestering the ushers to tell me where the open bar is. I'll also be the girl looking surprised when they tell me that there's no open bar at the event. Come up and say hi.  
  
  
• If you haven't checked out our sister site, Shlooby Kitten, then don't. You probably won't like it. That is, unless you LIKE laughing so hard that you pop a button and spit coffee on your computer monitor. But, whatever. No big whoop. Ignore it. You're probably better off.
  
  
• Wanna read Shmitten Kitten by email so it'll look like you're working? Sign up to get posts delivered straight to your inbox and make it happen, Cap'n.
  
  
• Be sure to follow Shmitten Kitten on Facebook and Twitter. I write funny stuff on both of 'em all the time. You'll see.

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He's Gotta Quit Talking To Me About How Hot That Other Girl Is

She's hot; I got the memo. He likes her dress; message received. I hear him loud and clear: she's at least a 9. Yes, she has a great ass. Yes, I'm sure she works out. 

I'm not sure how this trend of being his hot girl confidante started, but I gotta nip this shit in the bud quick because honestly, I'd rather listen to construction on my roof at 7am on a Sunday morning than hear him prattle on about these other women.

I'd rather listen to the song "Castle on the Cloud" from the Les Misérables soundtrack (aka the worst song of all time) for 24 hours straight than have his inane chatter enter my ear canal. Seriously, at this point, I'd rather listen to a full-length CD of nothing but microphone feedback and children's crying than be an audience to his constant comments.

I don't expect to be the only woman that would ever turn his head and I'm not insecure, but he doesn't need to give me a play-by-play of his thought process every time a moderately hot woman enters his field of vision. For the love of god, stuff it! It's rude.

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