Texting A Bunch Of Guys At Once And Seeing Who Writes Back First

The Shmitten Kitten version of "He loves me, he loves me not."

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"Do You Wanna Grab Dinner Or Drinks Sometime?"

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Bonerkiller: Guys Who Refuse To Hang Out In A Particular Neighborhood Because They're Afraid That We'll Run Into One Of Their Exes

So, let me get this straight: We can't grab dinner at Pho Hoa because there's a slight chance that his ex might be somewhere in the vicinity? And now I've got to think of fun things to do in other parts of town because he's terrified of running into some lady? THIS IS SOME MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE.  

I'm not usually a fan of advocating dishonesty early on in a relationship, but this would be the perfect time to lie to me. He should tell me he can't go to a restaurant I suggest because he contracted food poisoning there once. When I mention swinging by some dive bar she frequents, he should quickly redirect me to another place across town that he'd think I like better. Really, tell me anything other than you're avoiding an ex.

Because as soon as he tells me that we can't go to South Philly because he's afraid of running into some girl from his past, I get super bummed out. Not only does he have ex drama (which is annoying in its own right), but now this drama has spilled into my life and affects where we can and can't go. That's not fun.

And, while he thinks disclosing this detail is a step forward in our relationship because he's confiding in me, it's actually driving us further apart. Who wants to date anyone with this kind of mental baggage? He's out with me and he tells me that he's overly concerned about some other girl's whereabouts? THAT'S ALSO SOME MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT. 

If he's avoiding a particular neighborhood, he should keep that shit to himself. It's like hearing the details about how his morning dump went; this is information I do not need and am uninterested in hearing. Please, leave me out of this ex avoid-a-thon at all costs.

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"Hey, Are You Around?"

"Hey, wanna hang out sometime this week?"

"How's your day going?"

"Hey, I was wondering what your schedule was like for the next week?"

"Is there a good time this week to meet up?"

"I hope you're well. Wanna do something soon?"

"Hey, I was just thinking about you. Are you free anytime this week?"

"I haven't heard from you. Let me know if you are free at all to hang out."

"Just wanted to say hi. If you are around, let me know."

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And People Think That I'M Picky With The Guys I'll Date

In his defense, he is unusually attractive. That's gotta count for something, right?
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Yes, I AM Tired Of Relationships That Never Seem To Go Anywhere

"Hey, Jeremy! I'm just gonna grab my beret and 'blades and meet ya by the prison in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Ok, sounds great. See ya soon!"

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Contest Time: Win Two Tickets To A Sneak Preview Of Ryan Gosling's New Movie

Starring Ryan Clooney!

My buddies at the Philadelphia Film Society put together a fun contest for you guys to catch a sneak preview of the new Ryan Gosling movie, Ides of March, at the Ritz East. Holla! Here's the synopsis of the flick:

The Ides of March takes place during the frantic last days before a heavily contested Ohio presidential primary, when an up-and-coming campaign press secretary (Ryan Gosling) finds himself involved in a political scandal that threatens to upend his candidate's shot at the presidency. 

It also stars George Clooney, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Paul Giamatti so you know that it's gonna be great with a stellar cast like that. Frankly, this sounds like a perfect date movie to me. The winner will receive all of these for Thursday, Oct. 6th:

• 2 tickets to see a sneak preview of The Ides of March at the Ritz East at 7:30 pm
• a $25 gift certificate to Chick's Cafe and Wine Bar for post-movie drinks and snacks

This is gonna be fun as hell. What are you waiting for?

Click here to enter!

The contest ends on Monday, Oct. 3rd at 5pm when we will notify the winner by email. Good luck!

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I'm Looking At My Calendar And It's Telling Me That It's Almost Time For A New Edition Of The Mix Of The Month Club To Go Out

It's almost October 1st, which means it's almost time for a new mix to go out to the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club members. I have over 1,200 people signed up so far which is still bonkers to me. Not a member? Sign up and join the club already! I mean, look at our logo: how can this club not be fun?

Don't sleep on this! So much free music; so much free fun. Sign up right now and get it on this. DO IT!

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"I Like Her 'Cause She Laughs At All My Jokes Even When They're Not Funny"

This is the best thing I've ever seen (today). I've already watched it four times in a row!



Michelle's face is perfect.

via Rats Off!

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Pics and Vids: Don't Listen To That Voice In Your Head, Captain Kirk

Don't listen! You should totally check his ass out.

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Story Time: What's The Weirdest Compliment You've Ever Received?

Uh, thanks?

A guy recently told me that I had "the perfect amount of hair on my head." When I raised my eyebrow, he elaborated saying, "No, I mean your hair is nice and full but it's not overpowering your face. Seriously; the amount of hair you have is perfect." Ok, then! Thanks for, uh, noticing?

It got me wondering if you guys ever get any bizarre/ strange/ wacky compliments too. Anyone ever tell you that you have thin fingers that look perfect for picking up change between couch cushions? Or that you have terrific hips that remind him of a Porche 911? Or that you look just like Ross Perot but if he were a woman? Tell me!

Leave 'em in the comments.

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Jane Lynch's Joke About The Cast of Entourage From Last Night Is Still Funny

And the more I watch it, the funnier it gets. Ha!




I want this as my new ringtone.

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For The Love Of God, Please Accept This Mint

"Would you like a mint?" I creaked the tin open, displaying the tiny candies.

"Nah. I'm good." He waved 'em off with his hand. "So, as I was saying--"

I offered him a mint for a reason: his breath stinks. The air shooting out of his mouth towards my nostrils smells like a rotten cheesesteak left in the backseat of a car. It's so gnarly, it's unfair.

What did he eat for breakfast, bat droppings and pigeon spit? What did he have for lunch, dog puke ragu? This is unacceptable! I can't even focus on what he's saying because I'm too concerned that I'm going to pass out from the toxic fumes spewing from his lips.

What I don't get is why he would turn these mints down. You think he'd appreciate this free trip to mintyfresh land. I guess he likes smelling like a dumpster? Doesn't he know that his breath is funky? He should be welcoming these mints into his life like the good breath liberators they are; not shunning them.

I waited a few minutes til I couldn't take it anymore. Then I remembered that I had some gum in my purse.

"Here, have some gum." I popped a rectangle of gum out of the foil blister and shoved it in his hand. "You know what? Take two."

"Oh, sure. I guess. Thanks."

THANK THE LORD!

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Is It A Date: The Flowchart

 

 

Good to know!

via I Love Charts

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Tonight My Alter Ego DJ Shmitten Kitten WILL Fuck Shit Up

I'm dusting off my deejay gear and stepping behind the decks to spin at POP THE LID OFF! at Johnny Brenda's. This is both POPPED! music festival's pre-party event as well as Johnny Brenda's 5 year anniversary party. Aside from the rad bands playing, there will be free chips and salsa courtesy of my favorite salsa brand of all time, The Brooklyn Salsa Company. SAY WHAT? Prediction: it's gonna be so yummy you won't even know how to handle it

COME TO THIS! Facebook info is here. You can buy tickets here. I spin on the early side so get there early to catch it. After that, I'll just be maxin' and relaxin' so if you see me, come up and say hi. Weeeeeee!

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Pics and Vids: "What Girls Look At"

I gotta say, it's pretty amusing to watch where these girls' eyes fell when a hot dude asked them for directions. It was also strangely hypnotic to watch the compiled camera footage. See what I mean?


Personally, if a hot guy asked me for directions out of nowhere, instead of focusing on his face, biceps, butt, or crotch, I'd probably keep my eyes on my purse because I would assume he was going to rob me. Again, that's just me.

h/t to Stephen for the link.

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Bonerkiller: Those Tiny, White No-Show Socks

I hate these socks. I hate that they exist. I hate that a bunch of sock manufacturers had several meetings about it and all agreed to mass produce these horrible cotton nightmares. Why would they do this to me?!?

I hate the way they look on a guy's body. They're so small! They make his feet like he dipped them in white chocolate or something. His toes look like yogurt-covered raisins. Ewwww. And, these sucky low-rise socks make his ankles look like tree stumps, which is a nose-crinkler. Why am I even thinking about a guy's ankles? Do you see what these socks are putting me through? It's ANKLEMEGEDDON!

And watching him putter around his kitchen in these makes me wanna puke. The heels of his feet are just barely cupped in the cotton which grosses me out. These are basically jock straps for his feet. Ugh. Make it stop! For the love of god, toss in a little more fabric here because this is an anklepocalypse of epic proportions.

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This Is What I'm Like When I Try To Play Off Not Remembering His Name And Saying The Wrong One By Accident

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So I See That We Have Entered The "Exchanging Long, Funny Emails" Stage Of This Relationship

I see where this is going and not to be a party pooper or anything, but I don't have the energy to craft hilarious paragraphs about myself, my background, and/or how my day is going before we've even had our first official date.

What can I say? I'm burnt out on writing long, funny emails! I feel bad because his emails are great. They're lighthearted and breezy. I couldn't ask for a better email exchange with a semi-stranger. His grammar is almost perfect. His spelling is above average. Bravo, sir.

But, when his email lands in my inbox, my eyes glaze over when I see a solid block of text. Great. Now I'll feel like a dick if I just write him back two sentences real quick. I considered copying and pasting some of my wittier observations from other emails I've written guys when we've entered this stage, but even that sounds like too much work.

Usually I'd be stoked that a guy was putting this much effort into writing hilarious emails but for some reason this time around, I'd prefer he just be radical in person when I see him in a few days. He doesn't need to draft hysterical superlong essays right now. Seriously, three to four upbeat sentences would do here.

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Class Notes: Mothers, Lock Up Your Sons 'Cause DJ Shmitten Kitten Is IN THE HOUSE

A few updates:

• I'm excited to announce that I'm dusting off my deejay gear and stepping behind the decks to spin at POP THE LID OFF! next Friday, Sept. 16th at Johnny Brenda's. This is both POPPED! music festival's pre-party event as well as Johnny Brenda's 5 year anniversary party. Aside from the rad bands we have playing, there will be free chips and salsa courtesy of my favorite salsa brand of all time, The Brooklyn Salsa Company. COME TO THIS! Facebook info is here. You can buy tickets here.


• I'm also excited to be a judge at A Full Plate's Annual Rib Cook-Off tomorrow, Saturday, Sept. 10th at the Liberty Lands in Northern Liberties. I'm bringing bibs, wet naps, and an appetite so I'm pretty much prepared for anything to happen.
  
  
• It's not too late to snap up September's edition from the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club. Sign up for the club, man. It's free. It's fun. Why not, right?
  
  
• If you haven't checked out our sister site, Shlooby Kitten, then don't. You probably won't like it. Ignore this bullet point altogether. You're probably better off.
  
  
• Be sure to follow Shmitten Kitten on Facebook and Twitter. I write funny stuff on both of 'em all the time. You'll see.

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Contest Time: Win The ULTIMATE South Philly Date!

This could be you on a rad date

So, I recently sat down with my buddies at the Philadelphia Film Society to come up with a fun contest for you guys. We thought it'd be rad to put together the ULTIMATE South Philly Date! So after a little wrangling, we were able to put together a pretty radical date for two lucky people.

The winner will receive all of these for next Wednesday, Sept. 14th:

• a $20 gift certificate to the POPE for some pre-movie drinks
• a $40 gift certificate to Geno's Steaks for some pre-movie grub
• 2 tickets to see Rocky at the Asylum Arena at 7:30 pm

How cute is this date? Beers at one of South Philly's best watering holes, yummy cheesesteaks, then a movie? SO CUTE, RIGHT? This is gonna be fun as hell. What are you waiting for?

Click here to enter!

The contest ends on Monday, Sept. 12th at 5pm when we will notify the winner by email. Good luck!

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I Seriously Wonder About This All The Time

I miss the little guy! I hope he's ok. *wobbly lip*

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BREAKING NEWS: I Will Agree To Date ANY PERSON Who Owns A Pair Of These Shoes

Nike is auctioning off a limited number of Marty McFly’s signature Nike shoes that are just like the ones he wore in Back to the Future II. See?


HOLY SHIT! Thanks to all the dudes who alerted me to this development. If I was really creepy, I'd buy a pair of these babies myself and marry the guy who's feet they'd fit. It'd be like a reverse Cinderella. I'm already writing the Craigslist personal ad for this in my head.

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Shmitten Kitten Mix: SAFARI - W I L D S T Y L E Edition

And just in time to bid adieu to summer, I am pleased to present you with a new mix from the boys of W I L D S T Y L E. According to Brain Dwyer, "the vibe [of this mix] is summer's fat, wet kiss goodbye. This one is all over the place, but if you listen to the whole thing, it feels right. So right. YO SUMMER, LATERS!" Click here to download it.

Track listing:

1. Don't Fuck With My Money - Penguin Prison
2. Night to Remember - Shalamar
3. Hanging On A String - Loose Ends
4. Cutie Pie - One Way
5. Release the Beast - Breakwater
6. Girlfriend Is Better - Talking Heads
7. How Will I Know - Whitney Houston
8. It Feels Good - Toni! Tone! Tony
9. Summertime - Will Smith
10. Let Me Blow Ya Mind - Eve ft. Gwen Stefani
11. Southside - Moby ft. Gwen Stefani
12. Crush - Jennifer Paige
13. Waterfalls - TLC

Be sure to catch W I L D S T Y L E this Saturday, Sept. 10th at SAFARI when they make their debut appearance on the main floor of the Barbary. They are going to have three parties on all three floors simultaneously: W I L D S T Y L E on the 1st floor, Tigerbeats on the 2nd, and Fast Times on the 3rd. You know it's gonna be the party of the summer. Facebook info for this extravaganza is here.

Want more mixes? Sign up for the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club and make it happen, Cap'n.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Are Dating Sites Lame?

Look at this! Someone wanted my opinion on something. Read on.

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

Is using a dating website super lame? I think it's at least pretty lame but after a sucky break-up and having a falling out with my friend in quick succession, I was low both on confidence and people to hang out with. Though I haven't had a ton of problems in the past finding dates, I felt off my game and suddenly lacked most of my social circle through which I could meet people. Blurgh. So I started an OKCupid deal. But I feel totally weird about it! In your expert opinion is joining a dating site thing tantamount to "giving up" or is it semi-legit? Maybe even too semi-legit to quit?

Signed,
Charlie

Hey Charlie!

First of all, sorry about all the crap you're going through. What a bummer! To answer your question, I think that online dating has lost its stigma. My sister met her husband online so I know for a fact that it can work out. So, I say go for it. You honestly have nothing to lose.

Now if you're asking if I do it, the answer is HELL NO. Philly is a small town and this is weird to say but whenever I casually browse through OkCupid every six months or so, I find that I either know or have already dated most of the guys that catch my eye. But, I date more than anyone else I know so I guess my case is weird.

The other reason that I hate online dating is that I only prefer dating shorter guys which I clearly state on my profile. But what happens is that I have just a bunch of tall guys message me saying that I should give 'em a chance. Sorry, but I don't feel like scrolling through a bunch of boring emails trying to convince me to change my lifelong preferences in a mate. Also I write a site about dating which I think would be weird to explain to strangers on a dating site.

But, if I hadn't already dated half of my town and didn't have such finicky tastes and I had a normal job where I didn't write about dating every day, I would totally online date a ton. As long as you keep an open mind and approach it as a way to meet new people, I say give it a shot.

What do you guys think? Is online dating worth your time? Tell me in the comments.

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Pics and Vids: That Classic Clip From Swingers

After my last post about being annoyed when a guy leaves me a voicemail message literally minutes after we part ways, a few of my Twitter followers directed me to this classic clip from Swingers where Mikey is trying to leave a voicemail message on some girl's answering machine. It's STILL painful to watch!



Seriously, I'm cringing so hard right now.

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Bonerkiller: Guys Who Call Me Two Minutes After I Give Them My Phone Number And Leave Me A Rambling Voicemail Message That I Really Don't Want To Listen To

This blows

I get that he wants to test that my number works so he calls me as soon as I give it to him. That's understandable. However, if he immediately abuses this phone privilege by calling me two minutes after we part ways and leaves some unfunny, babbling bullshit as a message, we are going to have a problem.

It's 2:07 am and we have already said goodnight; there is literally nothing that I want to talk to him about right now. Dollars to donuts, I'm probably milling around talking to more guys and the last thing I wanna deal with is some needy freak-a-leek who's thinks he's on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and trying to phone a friend. We aren't friends. We're still pretty much strangers. I don't even know his name. I just wrote "Mike(?) from the Barbary" in my phone when we did the number exchange. I'm not even sure if I heard his name right.

So when I saw that he left me a voicemail message, I let out an audible groan. Great. Now I gotta listen to this thing to clear the icon off my screen. This guy is already getting on my nerves and he's only been in my life for 15 minutes! Fuck him and fuck me for even giving this weird guy my stupid number. All he was to me at 2:02 am was a guy possibly named Mike. But, now that he left me this stupid, rambling voicemail message, his name is "contact deleted."

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Guys, Vote For Me For This Thing

I've been nominated by CBS Philly as an MVP Blogger. What does that mean? I'm not sure. Do I win anything? Again, I'm not sure. Do I want to win? OH, HELL YES! Look at this logo. Doesn't it look official?

This looks so official! That's a quality seal of approval. Good job, art department at CBS Philly.

Vote for me here

Somehow, I was classified in the lifestyle category which makes sense if you think about it because Shmitten Kitten IS a lifestyle, like being vegan or being a Juggalo.

If I win, I promise to do a victory lap then slap everyone on their butts for a job well done because I feel like that's what MVPs do according to sports games that I don't fully pay attention to.

Thanks, guys. GO TEAM SHMITTEN KITTEN! HELP ME IN MY QUEST TO HAVE A GOOD REASON TO PAT A LOT OF BUTTS!

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