Reader Submitted Boxerdropper: I'm An Uncle

From Patrick, who sounds like the best uncle ever.

Here, Uncle Jesse's just THINKING about being a rad uncle.
This guy is the real deal.

Sure, I have beautiful red hair, impeccable style and speak in dulcet tones but what I'm really offering as your boyfriend is access to a nephew that's cute as hell. That's right, this super cool dude you're kind of interested in can also take care of those maternal instincts without the hassle of knocking you up.

My nephew is awesome. He has rosy cheeks and loves to make forts. We can take him out for ice cream, laugh at how he always says totally inappropriate things about people within earshot and teach him how to do hilarious things his parents will hate. But wait, you're tired after ice cream? Well that's why this is so much more awesome than having our own kid, let's just take him back. That's right: we'll have all the benefits of childcare with none of the responsibility.

But you don't like playing with G.I. Joes and killing bugs? Well thankfully, I also have an adorable niece. Let's play dress up; I'll look great in makeup. Then we'll take a little break for a tea party and maybe even play a round of Pretty Pretty Princess.

All I'm saying is that we both know you love kids but that freelance writing "career" isn't going to support having some anytime soon. So let's just borrow my sister's offspring and not worry about how we'll pay for their college or how many stitches your vagina is going to need after giving birth.

I have an amazing niece myself (What up, Lady J!), so I understand the appeal. Sounds like a win/win sitch to me.

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Pickup Line All-Stars: "Wanna Go Back To My Place And Listen To Some Records?"

This is probably my favorite pickup line of all time. It's a classic! Guys have been tossing it out for decades and they should because it works. It gets results. You wanna lose weight? Eat right and exercise. You wanna seal the deal? Talk about playing me records once this bar closes for the night.

After running some numbers, I've determined that this pick-up line has a good chance of working on me, depending on the following factors:

• If I don't have any solid work or family commitments the next day
• If I'm fairly attracted to him
• If I'm not having my period

If I have nowhere to be the next day and I'm into him and I'm not riding the crimson wave, I will most likely go back to his house under the guise of record playing/ record listening. And, if he mentions that he as beers at his place and I still wanna keep my buzz going, his chances pretty much double. SCIENCE!

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Boxerdropper: I Have Hot Friends

While he may initially think that he's just dating me, after a few weeks it will become apparent that I am in fact part of a set, like a Bratz doll. And, like a Bratz doll, I own several pairs of bootcut pleather pants.

Just kidding.

What I'm getting at is that like a Bratz doll, I have several attractive, available female friends that like to party. Unlike a Bratz doll, they're live human beings who are the most radical people I know.

He'll be the hero of his homeboy's house party when I walk in with my crew of single girls for his friends to chat up. He'll be the man of the hour at his softball game having so many pretty girls cheer his buddies on. My friends will be psyched to go to meet some new guys*, and his friends will pumped to meet some new girls. Everyone wins!


*sidenote: This is provided that his dude friends meet my girlfriends' specifications of having cool hair and impressive record collections. If his friends don't meet this standard, then this offer is null and void.

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Pics and Vids: Seriously?

This is his face when I tell him that I genuinely enjoy the Jackass movie franchise.

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Boxerdropper: I Will Never Do An Impromptu Pop In

Impromptu pop ins get you nothin' but shit

I would be an amazing girlfriend because I would never stop by unannounced. I can't help it; It's ingrained in my DNA to make firm plans to see a boy I'm dating. Furthermore:

• There will be no drop ins to his house.
• No, "Hey, I'm in your neighborhood! What are you up to?" texts will be sent. 
• No random pop ins to his work.
• No spontaneous showups to the bar he's at with his friends. 

It's not how I roll. Years of experience have taught me that my idea of spontaneity can be his idea of an inconvenience.

If he's home, maybe he's taking a nap and will be all cranky when I ring his doorbell. Instead of a huge smile on his face at seeing me, he'll be a sourpuss. If he's at work, maybe he'll be busy with customers or get in trouble with his boss if he's caught talking to me on the clock. If he's out with his friends, he'll get annoyed that I'm crashing his bro-down time. FUCK THAT!

I want my man to look forward to seeing me. I want him to count the minutes until we're together. Showing up on his doorstep like an abandoned baby isn't gonna make that happen. Yup, no impromptu pop ins. That's the Shmitten Kitten guarantee right there.

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Boxerdropper: I Will Watch A Movie About Surfing With Very Little Protest

Not to toot my own movie-watching horn here, but I think it's pretty awesome of me to indulge his request to watch a movie about surfing when I have about zero interest in the subject matter. Endless Summer, Step Into Liquid, Riding Giants: I've seen 'em all. On his couch. Like I give a shit about some dude surfing a wave.

Sure, I'll scan through his DVDs and suggest we watch The Big Lebowski or Back to the Future for the zillionth time, but when he pulls out Endless Summer II and insists on watching it, I'll shrug and say okay.

I'll even pretend to get a little upset when some famous surfer dies after an epic wipeout. Boohoo. Huge waves can be dangerous: I got the memo, every single surfing movie out there! Mother Nature can be a cruel bitch and surfers walk the line every time they go out into the ocean, got it.

Good luck finding a girl to tolerate a more boring genre of film. I won't roll my eyes, cross my arms and huff loudly after two hours of monotone narration spoken over repetitive footage of waves. Not me! I'll play along and marvel at the ripcurls. What girl gives a fuck about ripcurls? None! All I'm saying is that he better appreciate it because that's what I'm bringing to the girlfriend table.

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Boxerdropper: I Will Think Your Crummy Car Is Kind Of Charming

Good news: I'm not a car snob. I'll hold for applause.

I'm picky about a lot of things guys do, but this is one area of his world that I'll let some serious shit slide. Sure, it's a bonus if his car is as clean and and pleasant-smelling as a box of Orbit gum but it's not mandatory. Therefore, I will be a great girlfriend because I'll never give him shit about his funky ride.

It's so cute how he bashfully apologizes that his car is wack, but I seriously don't care. I'm pumped that he even showed up to take me out, I'm not gonna quibble about how the engine rumbles or that the glove compartment won't close.

Honestly, I'll think it's cute that he has to rig up his busted ride. I'll smile at how he needs a fork to tear out tapes that get stuck in the cassette player or jiggle the door handle for my side to open.

And, as an added bonus, he'll sorta look like the Fonz when he pounds the dashboard with his fist to get the AC to work. It's pretty wild how everything needs to be coerced into working properly. As long as his car's not smelly, I'm cool. Huzzah!

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Boxerdropper: I'm a Star Wars Nerd

Head's up: I know my shit when it comes to Star Wars. I could shoot the shit with you for hours about Lando Calrissian’s facial hair and the AT-AT’s worst design flaw ever. (Seriously, a huge badass robot weapon that you only need to TRIP to conquer??) I’ll knock you upside the head with my Star Wars know-how and then I’ll crack you up with my R2D2 impression.

And while this may not necessarily be a boxerdropper for every dude out there, it is definitely one for the type I go for (read: the slightly shy/hysterically funny/tiny bit nerdy/totally adorable guy) and that’s all that matters. Those guys are always on the lookout for a girl who knows it’s not ‘Dark Invader’ and that Vulcans and Klingons don’t exist in the galaxy far, far away. The fact that I don’t wear a cloak or have a unibrow is just an added bonus.

Those guys should be psyched because I’m a Star Wars nerd they can introduce to all of their friends without worrying that I might challenge one of them to a lightsaber duel. This is great news for all you scruffy-looking nerfherders out there. Fellas, I’m your girl.

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Boxerdropper: You Can Count On Me To Start The Dance Party

This is what I'm bringing to the table as a potential girlfriend: I will start a dance party with very little prompting. All I need is some good music and a slight alcohol buzz then before you can say the words "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough," I'm scooting around the dance floor like I'm auditioning for Dance Party USA.

I'll be boppin' and twirlin' away looking like I'm having the time of my life. You're welcome to join me or if you want to just hang out and nurse your drink 'til you get more of a buzz, that's cool too. I'll dance with one of my other friends until you're ready to join me. It's all good.

As a dance partner, I can assure you that I will have rhythm (thanks to my sixth-grade jazz class). I have some "smooth moves." You can mimic them if you run out of ideas; I don't mind. I guarantee that I won't do that thing where I try to do jokey dances like the Cabbage Patch or the Roger Rabbit. Hell no.

And, I won't make you dance formally to fast songs. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT. Finally, if it's a song that we both don't know, we don't have to dance. We can go to the bar and get another beer.

Not to toot my own horn here, but it will be a pleasure going to a dance party with me. I'm just lettin' you know.

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Reader Submitted Boxerdropper: Plenty of Pleasing Panties

From our reader April, who's underwear drawer is basically Marcellus Wallace's briefcase:

One of my killer girlfriend talents is that I have the best panty collection ever. Sure, for most of my life I had the underpants divide that many women have: the cute stuff vs. the comfortable stuff. But over the last five years or so, I've found that it's fun to keep a large number of ridiculously cute and sexy underpants that I can wear every day.

Sheer buffalo plaid boy shorts? Check! Teeny tiny black cotton thong? Check! Little low-riding satin bikinis? Check.

Not just a variety of colors, prints, and fabrics, but I know my brands and make sure they all fit perfectly. Underpants don't make it into my little drawer unless they fit right and look fantastic.

When I'm someone's girlfriend, sexy time is like opening a present on Christmas morning: What will I have on today? The anticipation is insane! I can see them peeking when I bend over to pick something up, hoping for a clue. I love it!

Wow! You certainly have your underwear bases covered. As a side note, I once dated a guy who couldn't stand the word "panties." He HATED it. He said just hearing the word made his skin crawl. How weird is that? Very weird, right? I used to fuck with him and just say the word randomly and he'd shoot daggers at me with his eyes. If by chance he's reading this post, my dear, this is for you: PANTIES!!! Haha. Deal with it.

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Boxerdropper: I Will Smell Amazing On Our First Date And All Subsequent Dates

There aren't many things in life that I can guarantee with 100% certainty, but smelling good on our first date is one them. I have an array of perfumes on my vanity in pretty, colorful bottles. They have alluring top notes like magnolia, peony, and/or black violet. Some are very expensive and some aren't, but my perfume collection will knock your socks off.

I will choose one to spritz on my neck and wrists before I meet you. It won't be overpowering. It won't make you sneeze. It will be a subtle accent that you won't notice until we get very close together. And, you will love it.

You'll first sense it at the show we attend on our first date. You will lean in to tell me about how you knew the drummer of the band back when you were in college and my scent will waft into your nostrils and your brain will do backflips trying to figure out what I'm wearing.

And, when you ask me, I won't tell you. I'm gonna lie and say that I bought it in a little perfume shop when I went to Italy last summer, but really it's just a limited-edition scent from Bath and Body Works. I ain't telling you my secrets that easily.   

Your pillow will be lightly scented with my perfume and when you notice it, you'll think of me and the time we stayed in, ordered Thai food and watched Steve McQueen movies for an entire Sunday afternoon. That was rad. And, I'm rad because I smell amazing.

Ladies, why would you make a great girlfriend? Tell us at hi@shmittenkitten.com. 

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