Dudes Respond To Our Hard-Hitting Bonerkiller Allegations

And, they're pissed!


Whoa.

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Contest Time: Show Us Your Hidden Talents!

So, we attended our first First Person Arts Story Slam last night. And, we had a blast! What? You've never been to one? For the uninitiated, here's the deal: every Story Slam has a theme and people from the audience throw their name in a bucket if they have a story involving the theme. If their name is picked, they come on stage and tell a 5 minute story about it. People vote on the best story and there is a winner announced at the end.

Just between us, the place was crawling with hot dudes who looked like they've completed at least two semesters of their masters degree in some obscure field. Maybe the Story Slam could be the new place to pick up dudes? Watch your back Barnes & Nobles; there's a new, story slammin' sheriff in town.

The next one will take place on Tuesday, March 3rd at the World Cafe Live with DJ Robert Drake hosting the party. The theme is "Hidden Talents." We've got two tickets for the person who writes in to us with the best story involving this theme. Try to keep it short, like under 400 words. If it's funny, we'll publish it here and you'll get a chance to tell it to a roomful of strangers at the Story Slam. Yay!

Submissions are due in to us by Monday, March 2nd by noon. Send 'em in to hi@shmittenkitten.com with the subject line, "Hidden talents." We're excited to see what you guys come up with! If you don't wanna suggest a story, you can reserve your tickets to the event here. Don't sleep on this, Philly! These things usually sell-out so get your seat early.

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Tip Our Hats: Guys That Consistently Crack Us Up Over Gchat

There are few things better than finding a guy who can tickle your funny bone via their keyboard. It is 100% delightful. It's like having your own personal court jester showing up at your job to amuse you.

Your whole face lights up when you hear that little "ting" sound as he initiates a chat. When his name pops up in the browser blinking and pulsing, you eagerly click on the window to see what he has to say.

He always seems to be cutting and pasting links to the funniest YouTube clips that you two watch together in your chat window. Your co-workers toss you dirty looks as you almost pop a button laughing at his constant stream of entertainment. They're just jealous.

Having a bad day? After you spend 1.2 minutes complaining about how your boss didn't say good job on that report you turned in, this Champ pops in a link to a Web site that plays the sad trombone sound. Look at that; you're smiling again! God, this guy rules!

We cannot get enough of our funny buddies and for that, we tip our hats to you.

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Tip Our Hats: Guys With Cool Stickers On Their Laptops

I know what you're thinking: "This isn't cool AT ALL! What are you thinking? This is more of a Bonerkiller, Anna." Hear me out.

Say you are at your local cafe, sippin' a mocha with extra whip when this shaggy-haired boy walks in and sits down at the table next to you. Now, imagine he pulls out his MacBook and you see that it is adorned with a Misfits or a Descendents sticker. You'd raise an eyebrow, right?

The following thoughts will run through your head: Who is this guy? Why is he at your coffee shop? Does he live around here or is he just visiting? He has a laptop so he definitely has an email address. And, his choice of sticker tells me that he has a vaguely punk background. I'll bet our iPods have about 62% of the same artists. Do we have any Facebook friends in common? I'll bet we do!"

And with that, you are hooked on this hot nerd. His subtle nod to your favorite bands has made you do a double-take. Well played, Laptop Lothario, well played. We bet that he has a clean-ish room, enjoys subtitled movies and has a supercool cat named Chairman Meow. Try not to stare too much; admire him like you would Dorothy's ruby red slippers on exhibit at the Smithsonian. Besides, he probably has a girlfriend. They always do.

As a side note, if you give a guy a sticker and he affixes it to his laptop, you two are basically going steady. Nice work!

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Bonerkiller: Sheltered Suburbanites

We've made it a rule to never date a guy who lives in the suburbs. Sure, at first it sounds appealing that he is a homeowner and owns a car--two things that can be very rare with city boys--but everything else about his suburban living situation is unbelievably annoying.

For one thing, they never know of any good restaurants. They only come to the city once a month and when they do, they always go to the same three bars. Consequently, you'll have to pick the places you go to on every single date. This will get old, fast. And, they will have no clue about where to go for a good brunch. Again, that will fall on your shoulders.

Sheltered Suburbanites will be overly concerned about where to park their car in your neighborhood and will ask you a minimum of four times if where they parked is "safe." Like clockwork, they will get lost easily on our oh so complicated city streets. If you like giving directions over your cell phone to a panicky dude who took a wrong turn down Broad Street, then by all means, date a suburbanite.

And, forget about going to their house for a date. Once you drive a half-hour to their under-decorated condo, the panic will set in because it will dawn on you that you are in the middle of nowhere. When he explains that you two will have to get in a car and drive to the nearest bar, well that's just not fun. You will frown. Take it from us, when he whips out his GPS system to find Johnny Brenda's, it will deflate any boner you might've had.

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Bonerkiller: Guys Who Text "U" and "R" Instead Of The Whole Word

I mean, COME ON! Just type out the whole word. It's not that hard. As a head's up, when we read that "u r on ur way," it makes us cringe. Hard. You look like a third grader, the way you peck out the letters like that. And, it is extremely unsexy to read your chicken scratch texts. You don't have to write everything out in the Queen's English, but a little effort goes a long way.

As a general rule, guys who text just the letters "u" and "r" instead of the entire word:

• Are terrible at kissing
• Drink crappy beer by the case
  
• Think that Dave & Buster's is a superfun place (spoiler alert: it's not)
  
• Are unable to confidently pair a good wine with dinner
• Own at least one bottle of AXE spray
  
• Have owned at least one Lenny Kravitz album at some point in time
• Have an unkempt bathroom with gross, cruddy mags stacked near the toilet
  
• Haven't purchased a book in the past year
• According to them, have at least two "crazy" exes.
  

On the plus side, these guys tend to know how to barbecue anything and can change your tire like it ain't no thang. But, it's not gonna be enough to keep you around because everytime you read "c u soon," it will murder any boner you might've had for him. Sorry, Charlie, but thems the breaks!

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Bonerkiller: Thumb Ring Wearers

Dudes who wear thumb rings are pretty much the worst. They are the kinds of guys who worked on the student poetry magazine in high school. These Ducky deadringers spend their time pining over a girl who is clearly out of their league and plan elaborate ways to weasel into her life. Like, he'll memorize her schedule and "magically" show up, playing it off as an eerie coincidence: "Oh, I didn't realize that you took yoga classes here every Tuesday at 5pm. What a coinkydink!" Groan.

If, God forbid, you date a thumbringer, prepare to have your entire relationship chronicled in some kind of art form. A comic, a short film, a novella, a painting; these guys must document everything that you do together. Think Dawson Leary but with even less appeal (as if that was possible!)

Thumbringers identify with all of John Cusack's movie characters and look to the stereo scene in Say Anything as the pinnacle of romantic gestures. When you try to dump him, he flat out won't let you and will insist on several drawn-out phone conversations, asking you to go into detail about why you are unsatisfied with the relationship.

Here's the reason why you had to pull the plug: he is terrible in bed and his phony sensitive guy shtick is uber-irritating. Obviously, you can't tell him that and if you did, it'd just end up as a lyric to a song he'd premiere during the next open mic night at the local cafe. Just do both of you guys a favor and give him the cold shoulder; it's for the best.

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As Every Drug Store We've Stepped Foot In For The Past Month Has Reminded Us

It is Valentine's Day tomorrow! Although it is a lame Hallmark holiday seemingly designed to make single people feel worthless, it can also be an opportunity to give some love to people/places/things that don't usually get such public displays of attention.

So, with that in mind: *rumages through pockets for a crude cut-out of a heart on red construction paper with glitter and lace glued on it* Philly, will you be our valentine? Here are all the things we love about you:

• The first bite of Lorenzo's pizza at 2:07am on a Friday night.
• The blackened green beans at Grace Tavern
• Drinking on the sly at Liberty Lands
• Karaoke at Ray's Happy Birthday Bar
  
• Hearing a Prince song at 700 club when you are out dancing with your sister
• The first swig of a Kenzinger Beer at your friend's barbecue
• Capogiro's sea salt and dark chocolate gelato
• Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz's bow tie
• Leafing through the new issue of the Philadelphia Weekly
• Snacking on freshly made pretzels at midnight
  
• Figuring out which place to go to for brunch (The Abbaye is our fave, but Honey's is a close second)
• Sarcone's rolls
• The yummy yuppie Tex-Mex at Mad Mex
  
• Scopin' out hot dudes in Rittenhouse Square Park
  
• Pierogy Wednesdays at Tattooed Mom's
  
• Playing quizzo somewhere divey
• Reading The Metro on your way to work, looking up your horoscope and ignoring the Sports section
  
• Hearing a song from the Singles soundtrack playing at McGlinchys
• Running into your old roommate at Johnny Brenda's
• Sharing a margarita pitcher at Cantina
• Rocktits! spinning records at the POPE
• Casually perusing the "I Love You/ I Hate You"s in The Citypaper
  
• Having your apartment lovingly packed up by those Mambo Movers
• Taking sloppy photos in The Barbary's photobooth then posting them up on your fridge the next day
  
• All the rad artists, musicians, and writers that give this city its soul
  

What part of Philly would you want to be your valentine? Leave your answers in the comments section.

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Dear Shmitten Kitten: Liar, Liar Profile On Fire

Dear Shmitten Kitten,

I recently subjected myself to the dehumanization of creating a profile on Match.com. Unfortunately, I'm starting to believe that I am completely undate-able because at the tender age of 29, I'm divorced. (Being a towering 5'6 doesn't help either). I've had multiple friends tell me I need to lie and deal with the consequences later. I'd rather not, as I prefer honesty above all.

So here's the question. What level of lying on an online profile is acceptable?

Thanks,
Liar, Liar Profile On Fire

LLPOF, I'm gonna give this to you straight: your friends are wrong. The reason people turn to Internet dating--besides finding new people in the city to avoid--is to make a connection with someone. This connection needs to start off on the right foot. Besides, if you and this lady hit it off, a face-to-face meeting is the next step. Any untruths about your appearance will be uncovered instantly. Have you ever tried politely sipping coffee when you're disappointed? It suuuuuucks.

The only kind of things that I think it would be okay not be 100% truthful about might be aesthetic things, like what was the last book you read. Write something that sounds smart and easygoing, like a David Sedaris book. And, for music, always put Belle & Sebastian and Bruce Springsteen in with whatever bands you namecheck. It's a quick way to let the ladies know that you have a sensitive side but you can be rugged too. We eat that stuff UP.

Listen, don't let your insecurities get in the way when you're filling out your stats. Personally, I would seek out a shorter guy so what might seem like an unappealing quality to you might be superattractive to the right person. And please, be upfront about being divorced. If you aren't, then you'll stress about when would be the right time to tell her and that won't be fun. And, isn't the whole point of the Internet to make our lives more fun?

If you have a burning question, drop us a line at hi@shmittenkitten.com. We promise to lead you towards the light.

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Bonerkiller: Feminine Leg Crossers

In short, a bonerkiller is something a dude does that turns you off. Forever. Like, this guy could have the most fantastic job in the world, crack the funniest jokes you've ever heard, and shower you with affection but one little bitty thing about either his appearance or behavior makes the whole concept of dating him a no-go.

Unfortunately for them, when guys cross their legs in an unmasculine way, our ovaries cringe. There is only one place in the world where this sitting posture might be acceptable, and that is if the dude is on the James Lipton show discussing his film oeuvre and recounting what it felt like to win his first five Oscars. Chances are, your guy is NOT discussing his film oeuvre, but is just in your kitchen sipping his tea. Like a woman. Uh, no thanks.

What's your number #1 bonerkiller? Drop us a line to hi@shmittenkitten.com and let us know.

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Bonerkiller: Single Red Rose-Giver

Maybe it's just a crazy coincidence, but looking back over our dating history, we realize that it has never worked out with a dude who had given us a single red rose as a gesture of affection. To quote the guy that Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes quoted, that shitshow rose "ain't nothin' but drug store lovin'."

For one thing, it's all stiff from the heavy plastic it's wrapped in and it doesn't smell like anything because it has a six inch plastic sleeve on top of it. Besides, what do you do with one flower? It looks pathetic in a vase, all raggedy and wilting like a corpse's finger.

And, the single rose is loooooong. It's too big to fit in my purse so I guess I'll just have to carry it around all night. It's even creepier if he buys the flower off an old guy on the street. We don't want your street flower! Save your two bucks and just complement us on our dress. Believe me, you'll get the same results.

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Bonerkiller: The Soul Patch

Just so we are all on the same page here: WOULDN'T!

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Weirdo Beardo Expo

Our little "Tip Our Hat" to Guys Who Could Grow Beards Like That *insert snap here* last week set off a flurry of activity in the comments section. We didn't realize you guys held such strong opinions about the merit of beards! So, we thought about the kinds of weirdo beardos that are ruining the perception of beards for everyone and have lovingly documented the most common beard abuses below.

Take a look around and if you are sporting any of these beard bumouts, may we suggest a Bic...quick. Hey, weirdo beardos! You're doing it wrong!

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Flippin' The Script: A Dude Tips His Hat To Girls Who Don't Look Like They Would Ever Dance To Journey At A Wedding But Do

For our "Tip Our Hats" posts, we give you guys props about what you do right. In a total Freaky Friday move, we have a guy, Dan Bruskewicz from the Philly folkish band TJ Kong and the Atomic Bomb tell us what he likes about us girls. Get a load of this cuteness:

My generation of men--the ones who drink too much Old Grandad whiskey and flirt with hipster bartenders at places where people who drink Red Bull and go to the gym never hang out--look for women who have iTunes libraries full of music that will pretty much blow our minds. Like, Sun Ra. Lots of Sun Ra.

As much as we use this musical snobbery to determine which women we pursue, there's a part of us that can't help but love it when a woman who is as discriminating as we are indulges in a guilty pleasure.

Don't get me wrong, I'm the kinda guy that cannot stand it when even the most buxom blonde butts up against me cloyingly at the Juke and starts selecting songs on my quarter. [Note to women: never, ever steal a man’s jukebox time unless you are one of those hot hipster chicks that dropped out of PRATT to study the '70s punk rock movement alone in random libraries across the United States while on tour with The Books.] A man at a dive bar jukebox is a man on a mission; he prefers the company that his four dollars in quarters will afford him to anything lower back tribal symbol tattooed, New Jersey accented, Rusted Root-lovers could ever provide.

But, there are times when unbridled enthusiasm for common misplaced-love/guilty-pleasure moments trump everything we ever thought we knew about ourselves, like when a young lady unexpectedly jumps out of her seat at your buddy's wedding because "Don't Stop Believin" just hit the speakers. Everyone from little cousin Nicky to old Aunt Nita is feeling like a dancing highway freakshow on the New Jersey Turnpike. Moments like this--and the women who make them happen--are the reason that men don't really rule the world.

So, here's a tip of the hat to all of you Camus-reading young ladies who just want to hold onto that FEELIN' deep inside and can't help but drag everyone else up by the arm to join in when you do.

How freakin' cute is that? Don't you want to start a zine just so you can interview him and ask him about what his top five songs to put on a mix tape are? Tj Kong and the Atomic Bomb's record release show will be today, Friday Feb. 6th at the Tritone. Here's a link to their song, "The Trail of a Lonesome Hobo" and here is an interview they did recently. Go see them play so that you can say that you were into them before they blew up.

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Slow Dancin' With Shmitten Kitten: "Love Bites" By Def Leppard

C'mere. Dim the lights. Turn it up. It's cool. No one is looking.

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Tip Our Hats: Sleazy Leaners

They're sleazy and they lean on stuff and they look damn good while they're doin' it. Observe:











Keep on leanin' on stuff fellas, and we'll keep on lovin' it because we know that only dorks stand up straight when they're checking us out. We tip our hats to you because your compromised posture and devil-may-care attitude makes us do a double take then whisper to our friends about what a "dreamboat" you are, all Lorraine McFly-style.

Thanks to Jenna for this one.

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Tip Our Hats: Guys With Salt And Pepper Hair

There's something about a guy with streaks of gray in his hair that drives us crazy (in a very good way!) So, he's not a spring chicken anymore. That's ok! In fact, it's downright refreshing. He looks distinguished, like a professor or a Flaming Lips frontman. I mean, he's probably paid off his student loans by now. That's awesome!

After five glasses of Cab Sav--and with very little prompting on your part--he will launch into stories about how he used to skateboard "back in the day" and that he almost went pro if he hadn't broken his ankle that one time. You'll nod and wince at the ankle bit then zone out; you'll be too busy secretly wishing that you could run your fingers through his mane. If you ask nicely and bat your eyelashes, he might just let you.

So, dudes rockin' the salt and pepper 'do, we tip our hats to you. Your graying temples show us that you can probably afford to pick up the bill. Check please!

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Tip Our Hats: Guys That Can Grow A Beard Like That *Insert Snap Here*

Dudes, come here for a sec. We wanna let you in on a little secret: we are totally enthralled with how you can grow hair ON YOUR FACE. It's fascinating to us. So, when you casually mention how you are going to grow a beard and three days later show up for happy hour with full-on Paul Bunyan-esque face plumage, we are impressed. Look at your newly bushy visage! Someone should buy you a beer or a plate of pancakes for growing that thing. You should walk around with your own jug of maple syrup, you lumberjack, you.

It's also great when we totally bypass the beard growing out stage, where kissing you passionately for over ten minutes results in an accidental, painful, skin-irritating microdermabrasion session. Take it from us, that can be a doozie.

So, for all of you burly guys that can grow a beard *like that*, we tip our hats to you. Keep on growin' and showin' in the free world! Just letting you know, we think it's cool.

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