Pics and Vids: The Top Two Ways To Make Me Regret Asking Him Out

Alright, I've heard enough. I don't even wanna hear the rest. A simple "no" would've sufficed.

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Pics and Vids: My Ultimate Boyfriend

Holy shit! I've always WANTED a boyfriend that would freak out everyone in my immediate vicinity. Sweet Talkin' Ken, you ARE the ultimate boyfriend.

Minor quibble: my ultimate boyfriend wouldn't A) wear a shirt proclaiming his ultimate boyfriend status B) his voice wouldn't sound like mine, only digitally distorted and C) his hair wouldn't look like a badger's taint.

Sweet Talkin' Ken, the self-proclaimed Ultimate Boyfriend

But, now that I know that such a thing/person/toy exists, I can only wonder what kinds of things I'd program my ultimate boyfriend to say. Right off the top of my head, I'd make him spit out:

• You look amazing in flats.
• Is this pop-punk? Well then, TURN IT UP!
• Wanna lay around and watch reality TV? Cool, me too.
• Go have fun with your friends. Just text me when you're drunk and want attention and I'll come meet you wherever you are.
• Mexican food for the third time this week? Sure, count me in!

What would you program him to say? 

This lovely image was sent to me via my sister Sarah, who's always looking out for me. Thanks, bud!

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He's Got Some HUGE BALLS Showing Up Here With Her

Don't even tell me that he's here with her. Let me just say that he must have some rhino-sized balls on him to show up with her here. His balls must be bigger than--fuck, I don't know--what's big? They must be bigger than Snooki. They must be two stupid, sweaty Snookis hanging from his stupid fucking crotch to show up here. Where'd he get the nerve? I can't even. Am I really seeing this? Is this happening?

Oh, hell no. Hell fucking no. I mean, I'm seeing it with my eyeballs so I know it's happening but WHAT THE FUCK, right? He knows I'm here all the time. And, he'd bring her here? Like this? Parading her around MY favorite bar? I can't even deal with it.

No, don't say anything. Stay here. Just laugh like I said something funny. "Haha! I know, totally." Don't look! Keep laughing. I'll tell you when you can look. Hold on. "Yeah, like I was saying before that movie was such a riot. Haha!" Alright, now you can look.

It's fucked up, right? Am I the only one who understands JUST HOW fucked up this is that he'd bring her here? Jesus Christ. I wanna punch him in his smug little face. Wait, keep laughing. He's looking over at us. "HAHA!" 

God, he is such an ASSHOLE.

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Quick Rant: He Picks Terrible Movies To Watch Before We Go To Bed

Spoiler alert: His bedtime movie selection will have violence and kung-fu and predictable plotlines and terrible acting and loud explosions and he will insist on watching it all the fucking time. These are acceptable movies to watch while falling asleep with a woman next to him:

• Bloodsport
• Commando
• Robocop
• Kickboxer

Basically, any movie with a muscular lead actor who spits out one-liners is gonna make his bedtime cut. It's a given! And, I don't fight it. There's no point. He will stand his stupid ground on this one stupid issue.

The dumbest thing I can tell him is that I haven't seen the movie yet because that will seal my fate. "You haven't seen Rambo? Ever? Are you serious? Oh, we're definitely gonna watch it then. I mean, COME ON!" He doesn't care that I don't find this particular genre of film soothing. In fact, he'll act like he's doing me a favor by exposing me to it, like he's giving me an education for free. As far as I can tell, the only degree he has is a Ph.D. in making people watch movies they don't give a shit about.

And, the worst part is that he'll fall asleep before me so I'm stuck watching this bullshit until I finally decide to turn the damn thing off. Then, I'll have weird dreams that involve dojos and trucks exploding and punching foreigners. Who needs that?

If it were up to me, we'd watch something low-key to lull us to slumber, preferably a documentary about space. I'd happily pop in any DVD from the Universe: Season 4 collection and I'd pass out before you could say the words "quantum string theory." Or maybe we could watch a Wes Anderson film because they're pretty, the actors whisper a lot, and I like the music. When I suggest it, he gets all pouty and keeps asking if we could watch something else until I finally relent.

The only hope we have is the movie Bullitt. He enjoys the car chases and I get a kick out of the '60s fashion. And, we both enjoy Steve McQueen being a badass because who doesn't love that? Finally, harmony! It won't quell the movie debate forever, but it's nice to have an ace up my sleeve when we don't feel like arguing and just want to go to bed.

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I Love Love Love When She Leaves Traces Of Her Scent

The morning after a hookup/sleepover is always a weird thing for dudes. If you've got work the next morning and a girl in your bed, it's a bit of a gray area as to what should happen when you've gotta scoot. Some guys have a strict rule on this topic: she leaves when you leave. The idea of a girl with unfettered access to every drawer in your room is frightening for some. I get that.

But, I have a more laid-back approach. If there's a beautiful girl sleeping in my bed and she doesn't have anywhere to be, I can't bring myself to wake her up when I gotta take off. But honestly, the thought of her padding around my house with messy hair in my t-shirt looking for the coffee maker makes my day. You can't get much cuter than that.

However, I also can't shake that weird feeling of coming home from work eight hours later to a room that I left someone in while I was gone. Things don't look like how I left them. Usually the bed is made (something I rarely do and serious kudos to the girls who do this) and there's sorta this general Goldilocks and the Three Bears feeling to it all.

But what totally kicks this experience up to the next level is when a girl sprays a little bit of her perfume in the room before she leaves. I get home from work, open the door, and suddenly I'm lost in a fog thinking of her. They say that the sense of smell is tied closest to memory in your brain. Pardon me while I instantly relive all the amazingness our date the night before. I can't get the girl out of my head after that point. Then, as the perfume fades, my head automatically turns to thoughts of "When can I see this girl next?" She's got me.

Now, this of course is a pro move. If it's a first or second sleepover, then it's probably too soon for the perfume room spritz. After that, it's fair game. Obviously moderation is key here, but it's a secret weapon that reels me in every time.

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Reader Submitted Boxerdropper: I'm An Uncle

From Patrick, who sounds like the best uncle ever.

Here, Uncle Jesse's just THINKING about being a rad uncle.
This guy is the real deal.

Sure, I have beautiful red hair, impeccable style and speak in dulcet tones but what I'm really offering as your boyfriend is access to a nephew that's cute as hell. That's right, this super cool dude you're kind of interested in can also take care of those maternal instincts without the hassle of knocking you up.

My nephew is awesome. He has rosy cheeks and loves to make forts. We can take him out for ice cream, laugh at how he always says totally inappropriate things about people within earshot and teach him how to do hilarious things his parents will hate. But wait, you're tired after ice cream? Well that's why this is so much more awesome than having our own kid, let's just take him back. That's right: we'll have all the benefits of childcare with none of the responsibility.

But you don't like playing with G.I. Joes and killing bugs? Well thankfully, I also have an adorable niece. Let's play dress up; I'll look great in makeup. Then we'll take a little break for a tea party and maybe even play a round of Pretty Pretty Princess.

All I'm saying is that we both know you love kids but that freelance writing "career" isn't going to support having some anytime soon. So let's just borrow my sister's offspring and not worry about how we'll pay for their college or how many stitches your vagina is going to need after giving birth.

I have an amazing niece myself (What up, Lady J!), so I understand the appeal. Sounds like a win/win sitch to me.

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I Love Love Love Party Animals

He only writes status updates in capital letters, he seems physically unable to follow through on brunch plans, and he hit on my sister once which he thought I wouldn't find out about. (Duh! She's my sister. She told me right away.)

He'd get on my nerves if he wasn't such a good time during the night time. And, he kicks me free drinks when I swing by his night at Barbarella so there's that.

Just don't make the mistake of bringing him home at the end of the party. He'll tear the place apart looking for food and beer like a skittish, thirsty raccoon. In the morning, your kitchen will look like a bomb went off with crushed Sun Chips on the floor, sticky countertops from juice spillage, and the faint odor of burned pizza because he tried to bake one at 4am but kept passing out. It's not worth the hassle. He's called a party animal for a reason: he's best enjoyed in his natural habitat.

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Guys, Here's How To Stay Single In Case You Were Curious

Yes, make a pass at her father and tell her that your "python is clean" if all else fails.

[via]

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Pics and Vids: Shake Weighted

A guy takes his Shake Weight to the gym and gets some dirty looks in the process. It's sNSFW because it looks like he's JOing the whole time. YOU'RE WELCOME!



Also, is it just me or does he look like he should be an honorary member of An Albatross?

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Pics and Vids: I Feel Like This Skill Could Come In Handy At Some Point

This guy can take his shirt off. I mean, we can all take our shirts off presumably. But this guy is especially super speedy about it. Watch.



See what I mean? I love his little stance afterwards. I wanna party with him and make him whip his shirt off all night to impress my friends. All my buddies would high-five me as I'd point to his naked torso and mouth, "Get a LOAD of this guy!" I gotta make this happen.

[via]

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Things I'm Terrible At: Discerning If He Gets A Lot Of Girls

Is he? Am I waaaaay off-base about this?

I can't figure out if I have a chance with this guy or not. He seems to have a million female friends. And, he's always posting pictures where he's posing with a ton of cute girls too. What's the deal? Is he a Romeo or do all of these girls just think of him as their goofy younger brother?

It's driving me crazy. I'm not interested in competing for his affection, especially if dozens of pretty girls with names like Jenny and Isabelle are up on his shit. They can have him. But, do they even want him? I can't tell! I wish I was Deanna Troi and could read their emotions to get to the bottom of this.

My brain tells me that usually guys with a ton of female friends are the ones who don't get steady action. They're the "nice guy" of the group, the reliable dude all the girls spill their problems too. But, he's so cute it's hard to believe that anyone could keep their hands off of him. I don't even know. I'm terrible at this.

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About Me

Shlooby Kitten knows.

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Dude, Facebook Is Like

Yup, this pretty much nails it.

No notifications


Your ex looks adorable and has a new girlfriend


Some creepy guy you met once "likes" every single thing you post


Reading someone's fight


1 new message from your crush


Somebody posts something kinda mean aimed you


Mevlüt Akajamalarmaladee adds you as a friend


Looking through someone's thousands of pictures of themselves


Hiding your high school friend's profile because all she posts are baby pictures and uninformed political rants


People re-posting funny pics from their Tumblr


Reading some bitch's song lyric status


People posting ”gettinggg drunkk like whoa”


Groups filling up your newsfeed


Reading a ton of boring happy birthday messages to some random friend


Getting a ton of messages on your birthday

Dozens of invites to events you'd never attend


Downloading a free mix someone posted
 

[adapted from here]

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Real Talk: This Stupid Date Is Taking Too Long To Plan

Isn't there a quicker way to do this?

Maybe I'm a weirdo, but I don't wanna wait more than a week from the idea of a date with a human man to the execution of said date with the same human man. Any longer and I can feel my interest dwindle substantially.

The worst offender was this guy who--no joke--took two months to get his shit together to follow through on planning our magical first date. He had this habit of calling me to say that he was going to call me to plan it. He did that FOUR TIMES! Do you realize what that means? It means that he had to be mentally prepared to call my number and make sure that he was in a quiet spot with adequate cell reception FOUR TIMES. That's an egregious volume of date-planning related cold calls! It's too many.

Let me impress upon you how stupid this was: Cartons of milk had already spoiled in the time in took for him to pull the first-date trigger. Eight episodes of a Showtime Original program had been aired in the time it took to figure out which night we were going to grab a fucking drink. New Employees of the Month had been chosen at the local Target in that time. It was madness!

By the time our first date rolled around with all of its ridiculous buildup, I had forgotten why I wanted to go out with him in the first place. Really, it's best to pounce sooner rather than later on these kinds of things when both my enthusiasm and his picture in my mind are still fresh.

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Pics and Vids: That's The Guy!

"Yes, Officer, that's him; the one with the bushy mustache and the crazy eyes. He's the one that licked my cheek and told me that he wanted to 'suck my elbows until my entire body convulsed with pleasure,' whatever the fuck that means."

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Pics and Vids: In Real Life

Me flirting on the Internet:

 

Me flirting in real life:

 

Haha!

[via]

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When He Doesn't Accept My Friend Request After A Week But I See That He's Changed His Profile Picture So He's Obviously Logged On Since I've Sent It

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Pics and Vids: "Yikes!"

[via Shlooby Kitten]

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Another Anna Weighs In

I have no idea if this sentiment is true and I don't wanna dedicate too many braincells to figuring it out, but watching Anna Nicole Smith lay down some version of her truth made me laugh very loudly.

Coming from a woman who married a decrepit billionaire she met while swinging around a pole, this is rich.

[via]

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Shmitten Kitten Tweet Roundup

In case you were curious, here are my top 5 favorite tweets I've written in the past week:

5. "Hey guys, there's a kill screen coming up."

4. I'd rather be watching Twin Peaks.

3. In conclusion, talking to a 23-year-old guy about music makes me want to shoot myself in the face.

2. DID OUR LATE NIGHT TEXT MESSAGE EXCHANGE WHILE HE WAS DRUNK TWELVE DAYS AGO LOADED WITH INNUENDO AND TITILLATING IMAGERY MEAN NOTHING???

1. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even appreciate the way I ignore him when I first walk into the party so I don't appear too eager.

Here's one more link to click: Follow me on Twitter.

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When He Insists That I Drive Across Town To Hang Out At His House But He Falls Asleep Before I Get There Then I Wake Him Up By Ringing His Doorbell And He's Too Tired To Do Anything Fun And He Keeps Yawning While He's Apologizing For Being So Lame

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Bonerkiller: Guys Who Act Like They Should Win An Award For Not Getting Any Tattoos

"Do you have any tattoos?"

"Fuck no. Not me. I'm 27 and tattoo-free, baby. And, I would never get one. Not in a million years. You can quote me on that. Sometimes I feel like I'm the last person on Earth who doesn't have one. It's nuts."

Whoa, settle down. Just a polite "no" would suffice. There's no need to launch into a fully-fledged prepared speech about it. He acts like refraining from getting a tattoo is an accomplishment. All he did was avoid a tattoo needle for twenty-something years. BFD!

I've managed to avoid all sorts of things: speeding tickets, pregnancy, joining a gang, killing a human. That doesn't mean I go around all proud like, "Look at my restraint at doing these things! Acknowledge my superiority."

But, I've met a few guys who wear their pristine skin like a badge of honor. It's...strange. Look at Dave Mustaine over there bragging about his lack of tats. Doesn't it make you roll your eyes so hard that they pop out of the sockets like they're protesting being forced to see his blinding white skin? Yuck.

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Quick Rant: Hold Your Horses, Guy!

From Ashley, who thinks he should check himself before he wrecks himself.

Relax! I don't wanna be your girlfriend

Why does it seem that guys always assume that all girls want a relationship with them? I had a crush on this guy last semester, which basically went from being a crush to a challenge. We flirted and I believed that I was clear with my flirting intentions, but he didn't seem to pick up on them.

So it's 2011, a year I've dubbed for myself The Year of Taking Initiative. Saturday night I got good and social--and by social, I mean that I had a few whiskey diets. I ended up at his place at the end of the night. I started to "take initiative" and his response was to pull back and let me know that "he can't give me a relationship."

WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP?! He was seriously mistaken.
1. I have no time for a relationship.
2. I don't like him thaaat much. I just want to maybe end up at his place every so often on a Saturday night.
3. I have a date with another guy next week! I'm a single lady enjoying the single life.

Maybe if guys realized that there are many girls out there who are single and are satisfied with being single, they would be able to have a better time with them knowing that they are likely on the same page.

I guess while we all watched a filmstrip of an animated uterus shed its lining during Health class in 6th grade, boys were sequestered in groups to watch a movie warning them about the dangers of girls trying to trap them into relationships. That's the only theory I can come up with to explain why all guys think this. (Maybe not all guys, just the young ones.)

However, it's a riot when you tell him that just 'cause you hook up doesn't mean you want him as your boyfriend. He furrows his brow as he processes it like he's trying to wrap his head around the implications of String Theory. It's so easy to blow their minds it's almost not fair.

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Bonerkiller: Watching Him Cry Over Something Stupid

I'm not talking about when he wells up over something genuinely crummy, like his pet kicking the bucket or the news that his grandfather passed away. Those are legitimate bummers. We're all in agreement about that.

I'm talking about how much it sucks watching a guy cry over a sports loss or the ending of a sappy movie. Seeing his nose get red and his eyes get twitchy over some bullshit is not hot. 

I'm a HUGE hypocrite on this issue because I cry all the time over all kinds of stupid things. I always weep at the end of The Office Special when Dawn comes back for Tim and they kiss. I sob like a baby at every The Locator episode I've ever seen. I've even cried during certain Dr. Phil episodes! My crying bar is set quite low.

And--sidenote--I have NO IDEA why Sarah McLoughlin chooses to be the soundtrack to the most depressing ad ever, but I can't even deal with .04 seconds of her animal shelter spots. Forgetaboutit.

It's alarming how much I cry at dumb shit, but that's exactly why he can't be a crier as well. He's gotta balance me out. I'm aiming for harmony here. He can't be next to me nipping at the tissue box wiping away his cry snot too.

He has to be the one that's all, "You're seriously crying at this commercial again? TURN IT OFF! Jeez." He can even gently rib me about it: "Want a rattle too, you big baby?" That'd probably make me laugh which is great for everyone involved.

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WOULDN'T

Not a chance. Not ever. No fucking way.

Ugh. He can take his pipe cleaner face mask and fuck right the fuck off. *shudder*

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I Love Love Love Bookworms

That awkward moment when you realize that your dream dude is pretty much a mini-calculator from the '80s.

♫ I’LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU ♫
♫ LIKE YOU WANT ME TO ♫
♫ AND I’LL HOLD YOU TIGHT ♫
♫ BABY, ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT ♫

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So You Wanna Flirt With Me Using Just Your Eyes? Refer To The Chart

Got that? Good. You can't see me, but I'm closing my right eye slowly at you.

[via]

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I Love Love Love Communicating With Just Our Eyes From Across The Room

One of my favorite things about dating a guy is the ability to communicate entire conversations with just our eyeballs while we're out. Based on the way he looks at me, I can tell if he's having a good time, if he thinks the person next to me is a doofus, if he thinks the person next to him is an idiot, and if he's ready to leave the party or not.

With just my eyeballs, I can tell him if I think the person I'm talking to is boring, if I want him to get me another beer while he's on the way to the kitchen, and if my favorite song has just come on over the stereo. We're more in sync than Joey Fatone and JC Chavez!

Conversely, I can deduce pretty quickly if a guy isn't right for me based on these eyeball conversations. If he doesn't pick up on my non-verbal cues then we clearly aren't a good fit. It's a quick way to weed out the duds. You don't need perfect vision to see that.

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Pickup Line All-Stars: "Wanna Go Back To My Place And Listen To Some Records?"

This is probably my favorite pickup line of all time. It's a classic! Guys have been tossing it out for decades and they should because it works. It gets results. You wanna lose weight? Eat right and exercise. You wanna seal the deal? Talk about playing me records once this bar closes for the night.

After running some numbers, I've determined that this pick-up line has a good chance of working on me, depending on the following factors:

• If I don't have any solid work or family commitments the next day
• If I'm fairly attracted to him
• If I'm not having my period

If I have nowhere to be the next day and I'm into him and I'm not riding the crimson wave, I will most likely go back to his house under the guise of record playing/ record listening. And, if he mentions that he as beers at his place and I still wanna keep my buzz going, his chances pretty much double. SCIENCE!

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Get Out Your Reading Glasses 'Cause Here's Our First Official SK Book Club Pick

After debating a few choice tomes, I settled on this guaranteed page-turner to kickoff the SK Book Club:

Sweet.

[via our sister site, Shlooby Kitten]

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