He Let It Slip That He's Already Told His Parents About Me

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Pics and Vids: I Sing Out Inappropriate Lyrics All The Time Too

I usually hate everything Zack Braff says and does, but this image made me laugh. Well done, Mr. Braff, you puffy-lipped, droopy-eyelided, fluffy-haired sack of shit. I didn't even talk about how he's dressed like a homeless blueberry on meth! I'm so mature!

via Pleated Jeans

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Dude, Sign Up For The Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club

Don't sleep on this! Sign up for the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club. If you do it right now, I’ll send you the May edition before I retire it at the end of this month. Snap it up, yo! The next mix goes out on June 1st which is supersoon. DO IT! So much free music; so much free fun.

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This Time Is Gonna Be Different, I Can FEEL It

This time, I'm gonna play it cool. I'm not gonna obsess about him and whether he's a good match for me. I'm not going to pick apart his faults or tell my friends every minor detail about him. I'm just gonna take it one day at a time. You hear me? No pressure, no expectations, no nuthin'. I'm gonna be easier and breezier than CoverGirl.

Nah. I still fucked it up. 

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Bonerkiller: Douchey Wraparound Shades

I have a strict no tolerance policy when it comes to douchey wraparound shades. I hate them. I hate that they exist. I hate that guys see them in a store, try them on, purchase them, and wear them around me. I hate when they perch them on the top of their head and try to talk to me about what my plans are for later that night. Here's a clue: NOT HANGING OUT WITH A GUY WHO WEARS THOSE UGLY, SHITTY SHADES! I wish I could round 'em up and toss 'em all in the center of town and light those fuckers on fire 'til they melt into one lousy heap of terribleness.

I've only dumped three guys in my entire life and two of them wore wraparound shades. The third one might've worn wraparound shades but we only hung out at night so I have no idea if he owns a pair in his personal collection. He probably did. I probably sensed that about him so good for me for nipping that shit in the bud. *pats myself on the back*

I'm getting queasy just talking about this. I seriously hate these sunglasses, especially if they have some bright-colored reflective surface because it looks like he has a humungous oil slick on his face. BARF!

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Pop Quiz, Hotshot: How Are You Going To Impress My Friends?

See that table of hot girls over there by the jukebox? They're my best buds. Don't worry, they know who you are. I've told them everything about how our last three dates went. As a head's up, I've also divulged both your quirks and your favorable attributes so they have a few pre-conceived notions about you already.

Now that you're standing in front of them, they're judging every single thing about you with alarming speed: your hairstyle, clothes, shoes, and general affability are being computed at a rate that would make Deep Blue's head spin. I'm sure you know all this, I'm just reminding you.

My question: do you have a plan? Don't buy them all a round of drinks right off the bat. That'll look like you're kissing up. Don't talk too much, they'll think it's weird that you're taking over the conversation. Conversely, if you're too aloof, they'll think you're an asshole.

My advice: smile, be pleasant, and ask each girl a question about herself. Be sure to make eye contact when you talk with them! And, don't talk about either sports or work unless someone else brings it up first then keep your answer short.

And, it'd be sweet if when you finish your beer you announce that you're going up to the bar and ask if anyone would like a drink while you're up. Then and only then can you buy my friends a drink. Don't let them pay; wave it off as you hand them their drink. Also, if you buy me my drinks and keep me happy, they'll notice and appreciate it. If you do that, you should be fine. Trust me, they'll love you. How could they not?

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Thanks For Sharing, LITERALLY

Normally I'd say, "Thanks for sharing" sarcastically but not today: One of our posts has been shared on Facebook over 5,000 times, you guys! That's INSANE! Without a doubt, it's been our most popular post of ALL TIME. Good work, y'all!

Any guesses which one it was?

 

Come on! You're not gonna take a guess?

Fine. Click here to find out which one it is. Yay!

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Attention People That Enjoy Both Music AND Receiving Emails: It's Almost That Time Again!

Sign up for my Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club. The next mix goes out June 1st which is just around the corner. And if you sign up right now, I’ll send you the May edition as a little welcoming present. DO IT!

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Oh My God, He's Single!

And he opened doors for me?
And he said that my hair smelled good?
And he smiled at me when he went up to the bar to get us another round of drinks?
And when he got back he proudly showed me a picture of his little nephew on his phone and it was the cutest thing ever?
And he quoted dialogue from Back to the Future out of the blue?
And at the end of the night he gave the cabbie $20 and said, "Make sure she gets home safe, Chief"?
And he texted me the next day to say what a great time he had with me and that we should do it again sometime?
And it's been three days and he hasn't added me on Facebook yet like an eager beaver?
And he called me on the phone to see how my day went?
And he told me about a new restaurant he wants to take me to this weekend?

HOLY SHIT.

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Hey James Hetfield, Do You Wanna Hear More About How I Can't Stand When A Guy Says He'll Call But He Sends A Text Message Instead?

Ok! Point taken. Sheesh.

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Just Between Us, He Does NOT Need To Wake Up To Me Tomorrow Morning

Dude. We've all been there.

You ever have one of those days where you meet a friend for Saturday brunch which leads into a mid-afternoon hang in the park which leads into an evening bbq which then leads into getting rowdy at a dance party? I have. Especially now that the weather is getting warmer, this is like, every weekend.

I didn't plan to be out all day and you can tell. When I popped into the bathroom at the end of the night to pee before I went to see about a guy, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I gasped. I looked like the Blair Witch or some shit: My hair was frizzy and knotted, my eyeliner was half-flaked off, I had a mustard stain on my dress. Shudder. Did I mention that my armpits smelled like a Tallahassee gutter? Because they did.

I can already tell that I have to take my ass home because if I look like a hot mess now, I'm sure as shit not gonna look any better in the morning. At the minimum, I need to wash my make-up off and brush my teeth before I'd consent to any kind of slumber party. What I really need is at least a shower, a swipe of undereye concealer and a high-end detangler conditioning treatment before I'd let any guy come near me.

Sure, it seems like a good idea to keep the party going back at some guy's place, but I can tell already that I will look like hell come daylight. NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE THIS! You hear me? NO ONE! He seemed disappointed when I broke the news that I was just gonna head home at the end of the night, but trust me, I did him a huge favor.

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Bonerkiller: Cropdusters

We were bopping around on the dance floor and I could tell something wasn't right. He did a spin move then quickly darted across the room. Just as I wondered where he went, his noxious fart particles hit me, making my nose hairs prickle.

What did he have for dinner, a kidney bean cauliflower casserole and a hot sauce broccoli milkshake? His asshole was flapping more than an American flag in a tornado. I stood there holding my beer with one hand and my nose with the other, watching his smelly kazoohole toot around the bar.

I'm serious, his farts were OUT OF CONTROL! He cropdusted the place, leaving a trail of toxicity behind him. I was downwind from this stink-a-thon and it was a nightmare. I didn't realize that I had to bring a gas mask along with my wallet, lip gloss and cell phone tonight. PEE EEW!

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God Bless Anyone Out There Who Understands This Chart

If you know what this is in reference to, consider yourself my new best friend. You can't see me, but I'm high-fiving you through my computer monitor right now.

via

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Pics and Vids: Male Prostitute

via

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Quick Rant: His Celebrity Crush Doesn't Look Anything Like Me

His celebrity crush looks NOTHING like me!

"Who are your celebrity crushes?" I asked out of the blue.
"Oh man. I gotta go with Christina Ricci. I've always had a thing for her."
"You mean the short girl with the huge forehead?"
"I guess."
"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I'm supertall and I have a small forehead."
"It's not that small."
"Yes it is. It's the approximate height of a king-sized Snickers bar." I placed my fingers an inch apart on my forehead to illustrate that it was indeed the height of a king-sized Snickers bar.
He shrugged.
"Well, which era of Christina Ricci's career are we talking about? Like, Wednesday Adams, Sleepy Hollow, Buffalo 66, Black Snake Moan?"
"Definitely Buffalo 66-era Christina Ricci. She was pretty in that."
"Um, you mean the one where she's BLONDE?" I gave him a look.
"I guess. So?"
"So!? Your celebrity crush looks nothing like me."
"SO?"
"I'm not blonde! You know who my celebrity crushes are? Michael J. Fox, the guy who plays Vince's manager on Entourage whose name escapes me right now, and Jason Schwartzman: short dudes with short hair. These are all guys that look like you."
"Jason Schwartzman has hairy knuckles. I don't have hairy knuckles."
"I happen to find his voice soothing."
"This is the stupidest argument we've ever had."
"You will never understand how women think."

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Pics and Vids: Crescent Fresh

via our sister site, Shlooby Kitten

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Flippin' Our Shades At Funnyman Seth Herzog

Seth Herzog is a comedian. Not only is he the warm-up act for "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon," but he also organizes comedy events all over New York City on the reg. I'm excited because he's performing this Saturday, May 21st at Connie's Ric Rac so I asked him a few probing, invasive questions about his personal life. Thankfully, he was a good sport about the whole thing. See?

SK: What's your idea of a perfect date?
Seth: Well, for me, it would an all-day affair. First, we cut out on work or whatever, "borrow" a friend's father's fancy car and drive into the city for some fun and excitement, sneak into a fancy restaurant, hit a museum, a baseball game, maybe lead a parade. Then someone fakes a drowning and it gets really serious for moment, but then it's back to laughs and someone will learn how to stand up to their parents and maybe make amends with his sister.

SK: What do most guys do wrong when they're out with a girl?
Seth: Rollerblading to the date in hot pants to show off your new mustache sometimes sends the wrong message. Also, no matter how subtle you think you're being, don't talk about how awesome you are; let them figure it out (if it's at all true). Keep in mind, women have decided how they feel about you before they agree to go out with you. It's on you to fuck it up. Remember, there's a thin line between cute and creepy.

SK: What's the worst thing a girl can do on a date?
Seth: Take out her dick. It's a kind of a social no-no and one of the biggest traps a lot of women fall into on a date. Besides that women can tend to talk too much. Keep it simple, light and funny. Women underestimate what a little well-placed sarcasm will do for a man.

SK: Tell us a secret!
Seth: (whispered) I don't like "Glee" as much as I pretend to.

SK: What advice would you give a younger version of yourself about dating?

      A. Women like to be asked out and taken out properly.
      B.  You don't have to work so hard, just be able to listen well.
      C. Anal beads are not for everyone!

SK: What would you put on a mix tape for a girl that you liked?
Seth: I would start out with a little "Grand Ol' Flag" (just to let them know where I'm at). Then hit them with The Roc-appella version of "Walking on Broken Glass" (the breakdown is killer). A little Bob (Cat Goldthwaite), a little Tom (Tom Club), some Shaina (Twain), a few car horns and alarms (oh, curve ball), and then end with 25 minutes of me whispering about all my childhood pets and my imaginary ones.

Do you hate frowning? Follow him on Twitter and never frown again and be sure to swing by and see Seth in action this Saturday!

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When He Asks You To Do Something And You Get All Dolled Up To Go Out And He Cancels At The Last Minute

MOTHERFUCKER, I SHOWERED FOR YOU.

adapted from here

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Things I'm Terrible At: Texting The Right Person The Right Thing

Not again!

My best friend Jenna is always at the top of my inbox. The problem comes when I start texting a new guy and his conversation thread is one measly millimeter from my conversation thread with my best friend. On more occassions than I'm willing to admit, I've mixed the two threads up and I've texted my new guy something that was intended for Jenna.

Just so we're all on the same page, THIS SUCKS. There's really no excuse for it. I mean, a drunk monkey would probably text more responsibly than me. It's gotten to the point where I'll just email Jenna with what I have to say because I'm so paranoid about texting the wrong person the wrong thing. And, I'll immediately delete texts with a new dude because I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up and text him something unintended for him at some point. 

The worst was when a guy dumped me via text (classy, I know) and I immediately texted Jenna that I'd been dumped but I sent it to him by accident, making me look like a certified lunatic. I had to backtrack a ton and begged him to have a hearty laugh at my expense seeing as I can't figure out how to text the right person the right message. THANK GOD I didn't call him by his code name in the text. Could you imagine dumping a girl then getting a text back saying, "Squeaky-Voiced Puffy Neck just dumped me via text. Wanna grab a drink tonight?" You'd die, right?

Apparently, I've earned a college degree AND a graduate degree, but I am unable to differentiate between to two conversations on a cell phone. Frankly, I'm terrible at it.

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Pics and Vids: FINALLY!

This is so cheesy, but I laughed.

via

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Hey Dude, This Guy Half-Jokingly Asked Me To Marry Him On Our First Date When He Was Pretty Tipsy. Do You Think He Will Feel The Same Way By Our Third Date?

via

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Sorry 'Bout That! Blogger Is Being A Little Bitch

Apparently, Blogger has been having some problems and they pulled the posts I wrote yesterday. I know, Frown City: population me. Blogger says that they are trying to restore recent items so maybe they'll come back. I hope so! I won't post anything new (other than this notice), until I am certain things are restored to normal.

Thank you for your patience.

Here, read some older posts in the meantime and relive the memories.

• Fuck You In The Face: That Is The Softest Hair I've Ever Felt
• Tip Our Hats: Squirrely Dudes
• Bonerkiller: Guys Who Act Like They Should Win An Award For Not Having Any Tattoos
• I Love Love Love Guys That Listen to the Misfits
• Bonerkiller: Excessive Embroidery On His Pockets
• I Love Love Love Guys That Wear Plaid Shirts 
• I Feel I Failed To Impress You When I Kept My Fucking Cool
• Dude, Facebook Is Like 

And, you can always bop over to our sister site Shlooby Kitten to get yer fix of funny dating shit. I run that site too. Check it out, if you haven't already.

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Just A Little Reminder To Sign Up For The Best Thing To Happen To Your Inbox In Like, Forever

Sign up for the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club. With over 500 members so far (and climbing), we're all having a blast and I don't want you to miss out. Since this club is a new thing, I'll send the May edition out to everyone who signs up. Click here to join! It's free and it's fun. It's basically free fun. Do it.

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Warning: This Post Is Borderline Creepy So Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

Not to get all Jesus Quintana about it, but Jake Gyllenhaal looks pretty hot for an eight year-old. I wish I could invent a time machine and have him be my first boyfriend. Although, I'd have to be his age so I guess I'd also have to reverse the aging process too, which sounds like a lot of fucking work. Look at that spiky hair! Look at those glasses! I'm dying. All I'm saying is that if I was eight years-old at the same time that he was eight years-old, I'd share a box of animal crackers and a Capri Sun and with him in a heartbeat.

image via

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For The Love of God, Don't Try To Set Me Up With Your Weird Single Friend

Really, please don't.

I didn't realize how picky I was until a few acquaintances tried to set me up with their single friends. I politely listened to the worst pitches I've ever heard in my life:

• "He's newly divorced and, just between us, totally impotent, but he has a great personality."
  
  
• "He's on a raw diet, you know where he doesn't eat cooked food. Sure, he brings his own food everywhere he goes, but he has a cool dog!"
  
  
• "He makes his own moonshine in his bathtub. How cool is that?"
  
  
• "You like music, right? Well, he loves that '80s band the Bangles. He's like a superfan. He owns all their stuff." 

Gross! The worst is when they pull his picture up on their cellphones and they watch my face as they show these guys off. "That's him there on the right. Isn't he cute?" she'll coo, tapping her fingernail on the screen.

I guess, if you like that bath salt abuser look. Yuck. Put your cell phones away, ladies. This guy isn't cute and I'm not interested.

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Story Time: What's The Dumbest Thing You Do When You Really Start To Like Someone?

I'm "superbad" at playing it cool

When I find myself really liking a particular guy, I'll make a concerted effort to start seeing more guys while I'm seeing him (which I'm not good at). I have this fear of "putting all my [emotional] eggs in one basket," so as soon as I feel myself--gulp--caring about him, I step up my game. I'm smooching other dudes left and right, trying to prove to myself that I'm not hung up on this one guy (which I totally am!)

I'm sure Dr. Phil would tell me that I'm scared of falling in love and I'm in denial that it's happening, hence my silly behavior. And, that bald, mustachioed straight-shooter would probably be right. This usually lasts for a few weeks until I come to terms with my feelings and realize that I'm an asshat that shouldn't be kissing other boys when I'm just starting to date a rad one.

For the record, this is probably one of my stupidest habits. To make myself feel better, I want to ask if you do any stupid things when you first like someone too. Do you jump right in, picking out your children's names? Do you keep him a total secret from everyone in your life until you're official? Tell me in the comments.

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Good News: He's Not Social Media Savvy

I've managed to suss this out after only ten minutes of talking to him. When I asked if he was on Twitter, he just smiled and shook his head no, saying: "I don't live under a rock or anything. I mean, I've heard of it. My co-worker tried to explain it to me once but I didn't get it. She said it was like basically text messaging a bunch of strangers? Yeah. Whatever."

Then he said that he was on Facebook but that he only uses it to check out bands he likes and to see when they tour. He hasn't even uploaded a picture to his profile yet! It's bonkers: he's basically social media illiterate.

When I told him that I write a blog, he shrugged saying, "That's cool. I never got into the whole blog thing. I've read a few sports ones but that's about it." He thought I'd be disappointed with that answer, but it's the opposite: I'm relieved! Stoked, even.

DUDE, I've hit the indifference jackpot! If we go out, I don't have to censor myself AT ALL on any of my online channels. I can tweet about how excited I am for our date on Saturday because--guess what?--he'll never see it. I can make cutesy inside jokes about him on here and he won't get creeped out. In fact, he will be none the wiser.

I'm telling you, this is gonna rule. It'll be like I'm hanging out with a recently-thawed Encino Man. I should've done this a long time ago.

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Bonerkiller: His Stupid, Pointless Stories

If his story doesn't dazzle me in the next five seconds, I'm going to lose my shit. I hate standing here while he drones on and on about nothing! How is he not picking up on my cues to wrap it up?

I'm looking around the room, avoiding eye contact with him, and sighing loudly: he doesn't need an advanced degree in body language to see that I've checked out of this conversation about three seconds into it when he started talking about how the bass player in his side-project jazz band got him a bong for his birthday last month. Who cares? That's the dumbest story I've ever heard!

Dude, I'm wearing a nice dress: I don't want to talk about either bass players, jazz side-project bands, or bongs right now. What the hell? His stories make no sense and they drag on longer than a Spiderman trilogy marathon. UGH! I have no patience for this sort of thing. Make it stop.

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Adding Me On Fucking Facebook A Few Hours After We Met And Seeing An Old Profile Picture Of Him Kissing His Ex After I Click Around For Literally Two Seconds

Any other captions to this you can think of? Leave 'em in the comments.

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From All Of Us At Shmitten Kitten, Happy Mother's Day!

This is a dating blog, but I know some of you rad moms like reading this site to remember why you hated dating so much when you had to do it back in the day. Or, maybe you're still dating! Maybe your baby's daddy is a dud. Or, maybe you're Murphy Brown and had a child on your own because you felt like the time was right. Maybe you have a massive crush on your full-time house painter and think that Dan Quayle is a jerk, too.* That's cool. Regardless, I hope you moms are having a bitchin' day. Cheers!



*My apologies if you scratched your head at the outdated Murphy Brown joke I made. There's a strong chance that it might have been funnier in my head.

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Pics and Vids: The Pimp Gods From Heaven Brought Them Together, You Guys

This video is only 30 seconds long, but there are so many gems in here. So many. Trust me.




I just want a nice gangster rapper, too. You know, one that I could bring home to Mom.

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Bonerkiller: Guys Who Sit On The Couch Reading A Magazine During A Raging House Party

Leaning against a staircase banister, sipping a potent cherry vodka concoction (with no ice, natch) and watching a row of Rainmen bury their noses in Boring Person Monthly makes me want to get all Beastie Boys on their ass and fight for [my] right to party. If this house party were the Gulf Coast, they are the BP oil spill. Parking their butts on the couch and leafing through a random magazine they found on the coffee table is single-handedly destroying the vibe in here.

I know it can be hard to be social in a house full of people that you may not know, but that's why there are cases of beer in the fridge and sticky bottles of liquor on the kitchen counter. Do they like pretending they're at the DMV on their free time? Did they come here to catch up on Cat Fancy or to get a buzz on while talking to a semi-hot chick outside on the patio? C'mon, get your head in the game!

This is a house party, not my dentist's waiting room. Can't these guys at least make an effort here? Put the reading material down and ask if I need a refill on my jungle juice or something for crying out loud.

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Wow, This Guy Is A Total Dick On The Phone

He never answers his phone. When he finally gets around to returning my call, 9 times out of ten, he'll he call me from somewhere loud so I can barely hear him. His battery is always dying and he doesn't ever say goodbye, he just hangs up. It takes, like, .04 seconds to say goodbye like a civilized person but he never does. He just ends it so I'm left saying, "Goodbye" like a moron until I look at my phone and realize that he's already hung up.

I'm telling you; he's a TOTAL DICK on the phone! I wonder why.

via

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Meet My Next Boyfriend, Specialman

As a head's up, this is what I’m gonna call my next boyfriend because it’s gonna take a very SPECIALMAN to agree to date me.

via our sister site, Shlooby Kitten

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How's The Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club Going? Just Swell! Thanks For Asking

I sent out my first mix to my Mix of the Month Club on Sunday. With almost 500 members so far (and climbing), the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Look what people are saying:

"Fabulous and as individual tracks, too! Anna, you're a goddess!" -Anastatia

"THIS IS SO AWESOME! I ALREADY AM SO STOKED FOR JUNE 1ST! THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS!!!" -Ashley

"HELL YES!! THANK YOU, ANNA!!! YOU RULE THE WORLD!!!" -Melanie

"LOVE!" -Melissa

"Have you heard @ShmittenKitten's monthly mixtape? It'll take your day from 0 to awesome in nothing flat." -Bedirhan

"What the hell is this shit? Turn it down. You're ruining my nap." -My cat, Charlie

It's not too late to get your copy too. Since this club is a new thing, I'll send the May edition out to everyone who signs up. Click here to join! It's FREE FUN. Do it.

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I'd Like To Apologize In Advance For The String Of Nervous, Unfunny Jokes That I'm About To Unleash On This Cute Guy I Just Met

I'm like


My friends are like


His friends are like


He's like


The universe is like


Then, I'm like


Fine. I give up!

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Pics and Vids: Oh SNAP!

HAHA!

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Pics and Vids: If There's Anything I've Learned From Failed Relationships...

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I Love Love Love Patient Guys

I'm like this when I have to wait for anything

I'm the worst when it comes to being patient. I get road rage at the drop of a hat. I consider flipping a table over if I have to wait longer than 15 minutes for a reservation at a restaurant. I'm trying to be better at controlling my impulses and I'm definitely getting better at showing restraint, but my first instinct in any situation where I can't get what I want, when I want it, is to turn into the Hulk. I'm an intense woman that way.

It takes all of my self-control to repress these urges when I'm around other people but sometimes it seeps through. I'll clench my fist if the waitress takes too long to re-fill my coffee. If the line at the bank is too long, I get exasperated and leave. Hell, if the line at Chipotle is too long, I lose my mind. And, I've been known to shoot daggers with my eyes if the guy ahead of me is taking too long at the supermarket checkout. Like I said, I'm the worst.

So, when I meet a guy who approaches life like it's one long, unhurried walk around a placid lake, I study him like he's a new life form. His approach is so different than mine. Instead of getting worked up at any obstacle, he takes it in stride. Sometimes he whistles, other times he just fiddles on his phone and shrugs. His serenity is a revelation. Just being near him calms me down. He's like a Xanax in black Converse sneakers and a denim jacket.

Once we had to circle around the block a few times to find a parking space and I said, "Aren't you getting annoyed it's taking so long?" He looked at me, smiled and said, "It's not a big deal. Besides, I'm not gonna find a spot quicker if I stress about it so whatever." I smiled back and squeezed his thigh.

Patient guys, I love you. You are the yin to my yang, the sweet to my sour, the string to my insane yo-yo. The last one didn't make any sense, but you know what I mean.

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Just Between Us, I Am Honestly Shocked That He Still Has My Number In His Phone

Are you kidding me?

No one is more surprised than me at this fact. No one. You know why? Because there's no reason I should be in there! We never talk.

Out of the eleven months I've been in his phone, he's only texted me twice, both times being the night he asked for my number. I should've been like the Paul Reiser Show: cancelled after two episodes. For the love of god, delete me already!

Doesn't he go through his phone when he's bored and delete the stragglers? I'm totally a straggler! Hell, I'm Mayor of Stragglerville. He should've given me the boot a long time ago. So, when he asked if I "was around" totally out of the blue the other night, I had to stop and wonder about his phonebook grooming process. Frankly, he should manage his life better i.e. deleting my number if we haven't communicated in six months. I only knew it was him by some fluke because he had a weird area code that I somehow remembered. That was a small miracle in and of itself. 

Seeing his phone number pop up on my screen felt like finding a hair in my salad: keep the hair on your head and my phone number out of your contact list. For a second I thought that maybe he mistook me for someone else but I maintain that my number shouldn't have even been in there to allow him to mistake me for someone else in the first place. Weird.

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