July 29, 2011
Contest Time: Win A Date To Grab Dinner And A Movie in Old City
I posted a contest the other day where the prize was a date in the suburbs. However, I decided to nix it because I was able to hook you guys up with an even BETTER date that I thought you would dig even more. One lucky winner will receive:
Think you have a great story to submit? Put "Shania Twain wasn't impressed and neither was my date" in the subject line and email it to me at hi [at] shmittenkitten.com. The contest ends this Sunday, July 31st at 5pm. I'll notify the winner by email. We'll give you dinner and a movie, but it's up to you to decide if you're going to hold hands in the theater and/or kiss your date on the lips at the end of the night. You're on your own with that one, Bud.
Want to see more movies with the Philadelphia Film Society? Be sure to subscribe to their newsletter to make sure you're always in the loop.
- Dinner for two at Fork
- Two tickets to The Change-Up for Tuesday, August 2nd at 7:30pm at The Ritz East courtesy of the Philadelphia Film Society
Think you have a great story to submit? Put "Shania Twain wasn't impressed and neither was my date" in the subject line and email it to me at hi [at] shmittenkitten.com. The contest ends this Sunday, July 31st at 5pm. I'll notify the winner by email. We'll give you dinner and a movie, but it's up to you to decide if you're going to hold hands in the theater and/or kiss your date on the lips at the end of the night. You're on your own with that one, Bud.
Want to see more movies with the Philadelphia Film Society? Be sure to subscribe to their newsletter to make sure you're always in the loop.
Reader Submitted Bonerkiller: He Doesn't Own A Bed
From our reader Courtney, who thinks having a bed shouldn't be too much to ask for crying out loud:
I just moved to Denver from Philly a month ago and the adjustment is tough; I have no idea where to meet eligible bachelors. A week ago, I found a moonlight bar crawl and ended up meeting a cute blond guy at one of the bars. Unfortunately, I was already a bit smashed when we exchanged numbers, so the memory of him and our conversation the next morning was quite blurry (except that he had lots of tattoos on his arms; the only thing important enough to remember). We text-flirted for a few days until he officially asked me out for a date.This is funny because I remember a few years ago I was really broken up over an ex but then I heard he moved into a new apartment where he paid $100 to sleep on a couple's living room couch. Let's just say that I belly laughed my heartache away.
I was pumped because he lives in a great neighborhood and I was finally going to get to see some of the city I now call home. He took me to a bar, then to a great Mexican place with $1 tacos all night (score!!). The bars closed at 2am, so we walked back to his place, which is the basement in a home of a couple in the middle of a divorce which was obviously awkward. We sat on his couch, drinking more beers, watching Adult Swim, and letting the sexual tension build up. After almost an hour, we FINALLY started making out. I was thrilled to be smooching a decent guy so my hormones got the best of me.
"Let's go to the bedroom and get more comfortable," I suggested.
"Um, I don't have one. A bedroom, that is. This is where I sleep," he said.
I looked around expecting to see a bed magically pop out of the wall or from the ceiling. "You sleep in you living room? Where's your bed?"
"Yeah, I sleep on the couch. I don't own a bed because I have back problems and sleeping on the couch or the floor is more comfortable."
Hold the phone--THE FLOOR?!? No thanks, adios, goodbye. I made up some excuse about getting home before my roommate locked me out and bolted out of there faster than Indiana Jones in a pit full of snakes. I may have lowered my standards over the years, but they don't go as low as the floor. The couch is for asses and broke friends with no other place to stay. Get a damn bed before you invite a girl over the next time. Sorry buddy, no amount of great ink can replace a freakin' bed.
You Could Win Two VIP Tickets To The POPPED! Music Festival Without Even Getting Up From Your Chair
Want a pair of VIP tickets to both days of the POPPED! Music Festival? Well, I got 'em. You can win 'em if you sign up for the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club
before August 1st when I'll send out a special POPPED! mix to all Mix
of the Month Club subscribers featuring the bands that will be
performing. Check out this killer line-up:
I'll pick one subscriber randomly from my Mix of the Month Club on Monday, August 1st and notify that person by email to let them know that they've won. To clarify, anyone in the Mix of the Month Club has a chance to win so if you're already a member, do nothing. If you haven't enrolled yet, well sign the fuck up for your chance to win!
I'll pick one subscriber randomly from my Mix of the Month Club on Monday, August 1st and notify that person by email to let them know that they've won. To clarify, anyone in the Mix of the Month Club has a chance to win so if you're already a member, do nothing. If you haven't enrolled yet, well sign the fuck up for your chance to win!
July 27, 2011
I'd Like You All To Meet My Future Husband
We're having the wedding ceremony at Burger King and we're registered at a flea market. Come!
image via
image via
Things In His House That Make Me Sad: Wavy Mirrors From Ikea
I can't believe this design has not only endured for so long, but it's wound its way into so many guys' living rooms. Can someone explain their appeal to me? Because having mirrors that look like instructions for using a hand dryer in a public restroom isn't the best look for any abode.
And nothing screams, "my mom bought these for me freshman year of college while we went to Ikea for the first time ever" than these bad boys. They should've been ditched along with his Adidas flip flops the second he received his undergrad diploma.
All I'm saying is that I don't need his mirrors to remind me of Taylor Swift's hair. They're goofy, like owning a copy of Howard the Duck on DVD. No one needs to own that movie in a modern format just like no one needs to see these wave-tastic Ikea mirrors. I'm taking a stand on this one, fellas! The only thing left waving will be me when I chuck these shitty mirrors to the curb.
When A Strange Guy Talks To Me
He wants to know if this seat is free?
He wants to know my name?
He wants to know what I'm drinking?
He wants to know what I do for a living?
He wants to know if I'm seeing anyone?
ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING INQUISITION, YOU STRANGE, STRANGE MAN!
He wants to know my name?
He wants to know what I'm drinking?
He wants to know what I do for a living?
He wants to know if I'm seeing anyone?
ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING INQUISITION, YOU STRANGE, STRANGE MAN!
July 26, 2011
The Approval Matrix of Sexy Vs. Unsexy Hobbies For Dudes via The Frisky
This is too amazing to not repost. Props to Amelia at the Frisky for putting this together.
The only thing I'd add to the sexy hobby pile is home beer brewing, mix tape makers, and foodies. Is there anything you'd add? Tell me in the comments.
The only thing I'd add to the sexy hobby pile is home beer brewing, mix tape makers, and foodies. Is there anything you'd add? Tell me in the comments.
July 25, 2011
Attention Fellow Girl Bloggers: Join Me As I Teach My First Class For Skillshare!
I am pleased to announce the first class I've agreed to teach for Skillshare. It's called "Blogging Basics for Girls" and it's gonna be the raddest class about blogging you'll ever attend.
Here's the class description:
Here's the class description:
It's all going down on Wednesday, Sept. 7th from 7pm - 9pm at the Field House. I have room for 20 students and the cost is only $15. Register here."Blogging Basics for Girls" will teach girl bloggers of all skill levels how to maximize their blog's potential. We will go over things all bloggers should know. Everything from the pros and cons of different platforms, analyzing stats, implementing RSS feeds, and utilizing social media effectively will be discussed in a relaxed and fun environment. All women are welcome to attend whether you've had a blog for years or just started yours on a whim last week and have no idea what an RSS feed is or why you should have one. Don't worry about it; I'll guide you through it all. Sorry, guys! This class is for women only.
Feel free to bring something to take notes on. You can bring your laptop if you want, but it's not mandatory. I plan on showing an entertaining Powerpoint presentation along with a funny lecture so come hang out, have a drink from the bar, and enjoy yourself while we go over ways to kick your blog into high gear.
After the class, I will email all the students a cheat sheet with any relevant links I talked about so you can explore them further at your convenience.
July 22, 2011
He Just Walked In With His Arm Around Another Girl
And he looked panicked to see me so he walked past me briskly and avoided eye contact. Dude, relax! I didn't even give a shit. I'm just gonna roll my eyes, sip my beer, and resume my conversation.
Pics and Vids: Marcia, Marcia, Marcia
Dude, I know! It's terrifying, right? She just made the "Home Alone" face about it.
Image via A Very Brady Blog
Reader Submitted First Date Horror Story: Two Tickets To Awkwardtown
Our reader Trevor was inspired after reading this post of someone's first date horror story so he decided to write in and share his. I loved it. Read on:
Awwww, Trevor! That's hilarious / cute/ awkward. You were like a mini-Larry David but Canadian and presumably not bald. Anyone else have a cute first date story? Send it to me at hi@shmittenkitten.com. I'll publish the funny ones.My first date was in 6th grade, so we were probably 11-years-old and definitely not old enough to be having our first date. She rode horses, and after many lunch hours of me wowing her with horse facts that I'd read in a library book I borrowed, I worked up the courage to ask her to a movie, and she said yes.
I'm not sure if my parents were impressed or cautiously supportive or what, but they consented to drive me to and from the movie. I met her there, offered her my arm because I'd seen it on TV, and she took it, giggling. "This is going pretty well," I thought. Then we walked from the theater door to the ticket counter, and things went sharply downhill.
As an 11-year-old, I was not super familiar with paying for things, and I was super nervous to be on my first date, so I tried to get both of our tickets, being the chivalrous adolescent I was, but she refused and tried to pay for her own ticket. By the time the two of us and the cashier emerged from a cartoon cloud of awkward utterances and money thrusting, I ended up with all of the change. In fact, I ended up with more money than I'd come to the theater with. I was just relieved to have our tickets, so I said nothing.
The movie was Sgt. Bilko. Not on its face a poor choice, but as it turned out, this girl had the most annoying high-pitched laugh that I'd ever heard. I sat through the movie stonefaced, so as to not encourage her.
We emerged from the theater, and my parents picked us up and dropped her off at her house. We headed home.
"How'd it go, Trev?"
"Uhh, alright." The change in my pocket made a loud sound as I shifted uncomfortably in the backseat.
"That sounds like a lot of change." I took the mess of loonies ($1 coins for you Yanks) out of my pocket and it was obvious that I had way too much money.
So my dad turned the car around and drove back to her place.
As I stood beside my mother explaining to my date's mother what had happened, I made eye contact with the girl with the high-pitched laugh and I saw my future. There was no second date in my future.
July 21, 2011
I Love Love Love Guys Who Subscribe To A Pants Optional Philsophy At Their House
I also love it when we're gabbing on the phone and I randomly ask if he's wearing pants and he says, "Fuck, no! You know the policy here. It's pants optional 'round the clock."
Personally, I operate on a pants optional basis at all times, so it's always a good thing to meet a kindred spirit. We understand each other on another level; specifically one unencumbered by inseams and zippers. And, it confirms what I already suspected: this is one cool dude. We're on the same pants wavelength. Yesssssss. I knew he was a keeper. This guy is husband material right here.
I mean, who needs to wear pants when they're home? No one! Pants, shmants. Kick those fuckers off, toss 'em in the corner and let's have another beer!
July 20, 2011
Pics and Vids: "Learn to Flirt!"
How could I not post this? I had to.
Wait, if you need eye contact to flirt, what should blind people do? Huh, Kathryn Brown? WHAT SHOULD THEY DO!?
via Everything is Terrible
Wait, if you need eye contact to flirt, what should blind people do? Huh, Kathryn Brown? WHAT SHOULD THEY DO!?
via Everything is Terrible
July 19, 2011
Bonerkiller: Blabbermouths
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| this = him |
"How'd you know?" I asked, puzzled.
"Oh, everyone knows." She waved it off with her hand.
"What are you talking about?"
"He told everyone."
"Everyone?" I repeated.
"Oh yeah. We've all known for a while. Seriously, EVERYONE knows. Like, ev-ery-one." She said it slowly to emphasize how far the gossip had spread.
Really? He had to tell ALL of our friends about it? What the fuck? Did I miss the press conference? Did I also miss the mass text? I guess I missed the skywriter too. I'd understand if he mentioned it to one or two close friends because that's normal, but did he really have to tell ALL OF OUR FRIENDS? Ew!
"Well, what'd he say?" I was starting to get pissed off.
"He told us everything."
"Who's 'us'?" I listened as she rattled off a string of names. After about ten, I cut her off telling her that I'd heard enough.
Okay, now I was officially pissed. I felt my face get hot with anger. What a blabbermouth! Last time I checked, we are all adults here. I didn't realize by kicking it with a guy on a whim I'd set off a gossip chain that would wind itself around the city. What kind of guy does that? Is it just me or is that weird? Grrrrrrr.
I Somehow Can't Shake The Feeling That This Relates To My Love Life
I think I'm going to enjoy a cute, goofy treat, but I always seem to end up with a sloppy, unsightly mess that'll fall apart in my hands AND be a bitch to clean up.
That's my deep thought for the day.
via
July 18, 2011
Story Time: Do You Have Any Dating Superstitions?
Here, I'll start: I know that as soon as I tell my Mother about a guy I'm seeing, he will inevitably break up with me. I'm not kidding: As soon as his name leaves my lips and enter's my Mother's ear canal, he will do something mean or dumb or stupid and our relationship will deflate quicker than a punctured beach ball.It's gotten to the point where I consider giving her fake names of the guys I see because I know if she hears his real name, we will be jinxed as a couple forever. I've tested this theory out a few times and I swear, saying his name out loud in front of the woman who gave me life is a guaranteed relationship doomer. Now, I will wait until the last possible second to tell her his name. I'll mumble it or say it softly because I know once I vibrate those airwaves, the curse is activated. It's like Beetlejuice or something!
It's a double bummer because once she knows his name, she'll ask for updates about our budding romance. I'll squirm in my seat as I tell her about how he blew me off, freaked out on me, and/or disappeared off the face of the planet. So, I've come to the conclusion that telling my mother about any man I want to date is the ultimate jinx.
What about you? Do you have any dating superstitions or am I just crazy? Tell me in the comments.
Let Me Get This Straight: I Have To Plan Our First Date?
I will kick him in the scrotum with a pointy boot if he asks me to plan our first date. If he can't figure out where and when he wants to see me, then he needs to scurry back into his South Philly rowhome, curl up on his shitty futon he's had since sophomore year of college, and fuck off. How hard is it to go on Yelp and figure out a place to go? Get with the program, sir! Type in a neighborhood and a cuisine and you're basically done. I don't want to rattle off 4-7 restaurant names for him to consider; I'd like for him to take the lead on this task. Is that so terrible? Because I'll be honest, it's not hot to watch him be devoid of date ideas.
Hasn't it ever occurred to him to hang out with a girl he likes in public? Is this uncharted territory? I could understand if we were in a foreign country and he wasn't well-versed with the lay of the land, but if he's lived in this town for over six months, he surely must've formed an opinion about at least one restaurant to take a girl to.
And, if he hasn't, unless he's Sloth chained to a chair in a dungeon begging for a Baby Ruth, he must have at least two friends in his life he can ask for date suggestions. Do a little gumshoe work on this because, I'm sorry, but tossing your hands up in the air about our first date is not an acceptable option. Guys: pick a nice yet casual place that you take every date to. Make it your standard spot. It'll make both of our lives easier. Trust me.
July 16, 2011
My Face When He Told Me That He Had Never Seen An Episode Of Arrested Development
Or The British Office
Or It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Or Party Down
Or Parks and Recreation
Or Boardwalk Empire, Mad Men, or Breaking Bad.
Really? He's seen NONE of these shows?
I can tell already that this isn't going to work out.
A Dude Responds: His Answer To My Bad Date Bingo Card
I posted my Bad Date Bingo card earlier in the week and people seemed to get a kick out of it. It was re-posted on The Frisky, The Gloss, Lovelyish, and Jezebel, which basically made me jump up and down non-stop.
So, imagine my delight when Michael submitted a guy's version of my bingo card for going out on a crummy date with a girl. Check it out:
HOW RAD IS THIS? It gave me a good laugh because I've totally done a few of these. Hey, I'll admit it. Thanks, Michael! This rules. It's like my bingo card is the Rolling Stones' "Exile on Main Street" and his version is Liz Phair's "Exile in Guyville." Cooooool.
So, imagine my delight when Michael submitted a guy's version of my bingo card for going out on a crummy date with a girl. Check it out:
HOW RAD IS THIS? It gave me a good laugh because I've totally done a few of these. Hey, I'll admit it. Thanks, Michael! This rules. It's like my bingo card is the Rolling Stones' "Exile on Main Street" and his version is Liz Phair's "Exile in Guyville." Cooooool.
July 15, 2011
Pics and Vids: I Like Big Fins And I Cannot Lie
♫ I like big fins and I cannot lie/
You other mammals can't deny/
That when a dolphin walks in with an itty bitty waist/
And a blowhole in your face/
You get sprung ♫
It Has Just Been Brought To My Attention He Says The Phrase "I Had A Dream About You Last Night" To All The Girls
I was chatting with my friends the other day about a guy we hadn't seen in a while who used to text me flirty messages constantly. My one girlfriend chimed in that she used to get the same exact texts from him too."You know, he used to always say that he had a dream about me the previous night, which was kinda weird," she said.
"Me too!" I exclaimed. "He would always tell me that in his dream we were dating or married or some shit." My friend nodded her head.
My third friend started to crack up. "Guys, I know him. Telling girls that he had a dream about them is his thing. He says that to all the girls he likes."
Whaaaaaaaat? THAT'S his line? His dreams were bullshit! Who lies about having a dream about someone? That's nuts, right? I honestly thought that I had taken up space in his subconscious. But no, it was all a ruse. You hear me? A RUSE! Well, now I'm on to his dream scheme and I'm never falling for that stupid line again.
July 13, 2011
This Is The Face I Make When A Cute, Funny Guy Tells Me That He's Single
"You're single? Really? Wait, what's the catch? Do you have syphilis?"
Contest Time: Win Two VIP Passes To The POPPED! Music Festival
Want a pair of VIP tickets to both days of the POPPED! Music Festival? Well, I got 'em. You can win 'em if you sign up for the Shmitten Kitten Mix of the Month Club before August 1st when I'll send out a special POPPED! mix to all Mix of the Month Club subscribers featuring the bands that will be performing. Check out this killer line-up:
I'll pick one subscriber randomly from my Mix of the Month Club on Monday, August 1st and notify that person by email to let them know that they've won. To clarify, anyone in the Mix of the Month Club has a chance to win so if you're already enrolled for it, do nothing. If you haven't enrolled yet, well sign the fuck up for your chance to win!
I'll pick one subscriber randomly from my Mix of the Month Club on Monday, August 1st and notify that person by email to let them know that they've won. To clarify, anyone in the Mix of the Month Club has a chance to win so if you're already enrolled for it, do nothing. If you haven't enrolled yet, well sign the fuck up for your chance to win!
July 11, 2011
I Now Present You With The Official Shmitten Kitten Bad Date Bingo Card
Next time you have a crummy date, refer to this card. Let me know if you get Bingo because, hey, even if you weren't able to score on your date, you could still be a winner.
July 10, 2011
Not To Be A Creep, But I Would Have This Man's Babies No Questions Asked
I would have his child in a heartbeat. And, I'm sure our baby would be born in Nike sneakers, puffy pants tucked into white athletic socks and a badass attitude just like his papa. Our son would emerge from my womb with a tiny guitar in his tiny hands, strumming the chords to "Johnny B. Goode" as he made his way down the birth canal. How cool would that be?
And, not to be a creep, but I would give up cable TV for five years just to be able to run my fingers through Michael J. Fox's hair. I bet it's softer than Falcor's fur. Fuck. I need a cold shower STAT.
image via
It Turns Out That I Need A Date To The Philly Geek Awards So How Are We Gonna Do This?
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| We're gonna get dolled up, yo! |
Men, here's what I will bring to the table as your potential date:
- I will smell good
- I will stand near you
- I will make at least three nervous jokes referencing either an '80s sitcom theme song, dialogue from Wet Hot American Summer, and/or Carrot Top's bizarrely muscular physique
- Remember my name
- Hold my purse if I'm posing for a photo
- Sit near me for up to three hours
- Laugh at a minimum of two of my nervous jokes
- Not check his phone constantly during the show because that would get on my nerves
- Alert me if I either have lipstick on my teeth and/or toilet paper on my shoe
In the meantime, snap up your tickets to the Philly Geek Awards here.
*Ideally, my date will be between 5'6 and 5'9. Come on, you know I only liked shorter guys, right?
July 7, 2011
Pics and Vids: Believe Me, I've Thought This Before
Record collections don't get into political arguments with me during my birthday dinner. That's all I'm saying.
via
Quick Rant: Liking Shy Guys Is A Fucking Curse
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| Is he dissing me or is he just shy? |
If he likes me, he runs away. If he doesn't like me, he runs away. If he wants to ask me out, he runs away. If he never wants to hear my name again, he runs away.
If he wants my number, he runs away. If he wishes that he invented a time machine to kill Alexander Graham Bell so that the telephone was never invented so that he'd never have to hear from me, he runs away.
If he wants to dance with me, he runs away. If he wishes he could pull a Tanya Harding and whack my knee with a tire iron so we'd never have to dance together, he runs away. If he thinks I'm pretty, he runs away. If he thinks I look like roadkill after getting a makeover at the mall, he runs away.
Given that, liking shy guys is, as the Dude would say, a bummer.
THANK GOD I've Officially Accepted That I'm Not Going To Hear From Him Again
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| You and me, Spongebob |
As each day passes, it gets a little easier not hearing anything from him. But finally the day comes when he's not the first thing on my mind as soon as I wake up and it's like a gift from the gods to reclaim my sanity. I want to take a minute and thank that minute for happening. As much as it sucks being blown off, it feels even better to be blown back ON to my life. That didn't make any sense but you know what I mean. Thanks, finally not giving a fuck! You rule.
July 6, 2011
Awww Yeah: This Friday I'm Judging The Broetry Slam at National Mechanics
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| Edgar Allan Bro |
What's broetry? It is exactly what it sounds like: poetry for dudes. They are poems that articulate man's love of Xbox 360, Mama Celeste's frozen pizza, Bruce Willis, Star Wars conventions, frat parties, and video game tournaments.I'll be on hand as a judge to find the Best Bro. It'll be like if America's Got Talent smushed with Jersey Shore! Come on out. Facebook info is here.
The idea behind the slam is simple: much like a poetry slam, we'll be inviting members from the audience onto the microphone at National Mechanics to read their prepared (or spontaneous!) broems.
A panel of expert judges will select the winners and award them appropriate, bro-like prizes: Xbox Live Points from Geekadelphia, tasty beverages and noms from National Mechanics, a manly mini-library from Quirk Books, high fives, and Bruce Willis DVDs. We will have a fine array of swag to hand out to the best of the broets.
Come with your collars popped and your hair blown out, as we'll have awards for the best overall costume. If you aren't in costume and just so happen to win the award, well, we apologize. The champion of the evening will be awarded the title Broet Laurette of Philadelphia, and we'll publish your brilliant poem (and a video of the performance!) on here and on Quirkbooks.com.
July 5, 2011
Pics and Vids: Women's Magazine Covers, A Skewering
This is hilarious. I couldn't even decide on which headline was funniest! I gotta go with, "Sex Again? What Are You, An Alley Cat?" What's your favorite?
Found via
Story Time: What's The Worst Dating Advice You've Ever Received?
I was at a party recently and a friend took me aside to let me know that my problem is that I'm too nice with guys. "You should be a straight-up bitch to them," she said.
"Really, that's my problem? I'm too nice?" I repeated.
"Yes. Listen to me. I know what I'm talking about." She nodded knowingly.
Just between us, I do not think that this is my problem. This made me wonder if any of you guys ever get terrible advice about dating too. Did someone tell you to never text a guy back for 24 hours or to never accept a date for the weekend if he calls after Wednesday or something equally as arbitrary? Tell me in the comments so we can all laugh about it.
