Bonerkiller: Your Monumental Drunken Wipeout

Uh, Courtney Love called: she wants her behavior from the 1995 Mtv Music Awards back. Dude, you are a drunken MESS! Pull it together.

I don't even know what happened: you showed up at my house looking like a million bucks. But through the magical powers of shotgunning cans of Sparks and downing shots of Jameson (and not eating a proper dinner, ahem) you've transformed yourself into a blubbering mess in short order.

In the time it took me to sip my vodka soda with a twist of lime, you've catapulted past the good timey "lampshade on his head" party guy and are now firmly in drunk, slurring David Hasselhoff territory. You broke your glasses on the dance floor at Transit, you gave the finger to the bouncer, and you smashed a party photog's camera. After rolling around in traffic for ten minutes, you yelled at a cop and tossed a beer bottle at a passing car. Then, you charmingly left your cell phone in the cab. When we get back to my house, you knocked over my roommate's CD tower (yes, they still make those) and kicked over the coffee table, sending the snacks I just us made flying onto the carpet.

And, as a shit cherry on top of my shitshow night, you stripped off all of your clothes and started puking in my toilet. Yes, I had a naked guy puking in my bathroom. Oy vey.

As the ugly girl in The Goonies whined, hanging out with you right now is like babysitting without getting paid.

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Bonerkiller: Did You Do Something To Your Eyebrows?

Did you over-tweeze? Wax 'em? What did you do? Did you sneeze when you were using nosehair trimmers and shave your under-eyebrow area by accident? We don't know what you did, but we can't look away.

Come on, just tell us. Did your sister talk you into this? You have hair on your knuckles but none around your uber-groomed brows. We gotta be honest, it's distracting.

We applaud your effort, but your super duper manicured brows are making us uncomfortable. You were supposed to manscape, not manSCRAPE! It looks like there are two Nike swooshes just chillin' on your face. It's not hot.

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Tip Our Hats: Space Cadets

As a former Space Camp attendee, I have to say that space dorks really rev my engine. How do you know if you're dealing with a space cadet? Well, odds are that he:

• Has eaten freeze dried ice cream
  
• Geeks out when Nova or The Elegant Universe airs on PBS
  
• Thinks that Neil deGrasse Tyson is, like, the awesomest guy ever
• Affixed glow-in-the-dark stars to his ceiling at some point in his youth
• Has a space-themed screensaver
• Is pumped that Carl Sagan's Cosmos is now available to watch on Hulu
  
• Thinks that 2001: A Space Odyssey is one of the best movies ever made
• Has a strong opinion about Pluto's controversial status as a planet
  
• Would take you to the planetarium on your a third date

We tip our hat to you, space cadets, for sharing our passion for the universe, literally. We, too, share your enthusiasm for all things astronomical.

Speaking of astronomical things, if any of you space dorks out there want to take me on a date to the planetarium, drop a line to me at anna@shmittenkitten.com. Let's gaze at the outdoors, indoors, together.

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Tip Our Hats: Homeowners

Has anyone else noticed this home buying trend amongst 20-something dudes? Does it make anyone else giddy and maybe a little sweaty? Was that TMI?

Seriously though, dudes who own homes are a serious weakness of ours over here at SKHQ. We love that you're committed to staying in the city we love (and we're crossing our fingers that it means you'll be able to commit to us, too).

Bonus points if you're the handy type, as nothing tickles us more than the sight of you covered in beautiful beads of Hardworking Man Sweat donning a grimy white t-shirt and deftly wielding some kind of power tool. We'd even be willing to wager that you have a beard. If that's the case, you can bet your bottom that we'll be at your door touting lemonade and a sweet little smile without you even having to ask.

We tip our hats to you, homeowners of Philadelphia. Gimme a call and invite me over to watch you assemble a shelving unit. I promise I won't even make you shower before I give you a smooch.

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Tip Our Hats: Old Skool Cell Phones

It was about two years ago that the iPhone made its debut. At first, we were pretty impressed when a guy whipped it out. We oooh-ed and aaaah-ed as he got all Minority Report on it; grabbin' text and moving photos around with a swipe of his finger. In fact, we were so enamored with the gadget that we actively sought iPhone users out, cozying up to their touchscreen ways.

Now, however, to paraphrase Shania Twain, fancy cell phones don't impress me much. If anything, they are a distraction. How many dates have I sat through watching the object of my affection fiddle with his phone? Too many to count! Apps = naps. Snore.

This tech burnout has made us nostalgic for a time when a cell phone wasn't a portable entertainment center that could calculate a tip or check stock prices on the fly. These chunky phones were heavy, scratched and tucked away in his pocket, where it belonged. The damn thing was like a cat on its eighth life: it had been dropped on the sidewalk, used as a doorstop, and even doubled as a ping-pong paddle once during a particularly rowdy barbecue. That cell phone was indestructible!

The ringtones were tinny, polyphonic and sounded like they were recorded in an East German discotheque. They could be heard from across a crowded restaurant (alright, we don't miss that part.) But, aside from that, the phone was basic and out of our face; just the way a cell phone should be.

So, old skool cell phone users, we tip our hats to you for not annoying us with your gratuitous gadgetry. We like how you don't even know that your phone has a camera on it. It's just better for all involved.

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Quick Rant: The Love 'n' Shove

New relationships are something wonderful, aren't they? The excitement of getting to know each other, the thrill of falling in love, the sinking feeling when your new man pushes you away after confessing his love for you . . . oh wait, maybe that's just me.

Actually, it's not. I performed an incredibly unscientific study on this and the results are in: almost every single person (guy AND girl) has had a run-in with the Love 'n' Shove. Need more info? You got it.

The Love 'n' Shove is when someone comes on strong, treats you like a princess, charms your pants off, and tricks you into vulnerability. "He's so sweet," you coo to anyone who'll listen. You've never felt this way before! You didn't know love could be like this! Suddenly you believe in magic, you're farting rainbows and nothing can darken your day. Every one of your friends vacillates between complete happiness for you and wanting to puke all over your fave TOMS. You've lost your ability to be cynical and snarky. You snuggle puppies even though you hate dogs. Life is GOOD.

And then the thing you were dreading all along happens: Prince Charming turns into some ho-hum generic love-fearing bro. He's strangely unavailable almost all the time, you're bartering for kisses when they used to be bestowed on you by the bucketful, and those three stupid words are harder to come by than a well-paying job with health insurance. Sigh.

What is it about mutual affection that sends dudes heading for the hills? To paraphrase the age-old Tootsie Pop question, the world may never fucking know. You've been duped, little lady, and now it's back to nights spent in bed with your cat. Meh, at least she doesn't snore.

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You're Looking Good, Philly!

Hey, Philly. Come over here for a second. We want to talk to you.

We've been walking around the past few days and we gotta say, you're looking damn good. We're not sure if you did something new with your hair or if you're wearing a new outfit, but we've been flippin' our shades all Dwayne Wayne-style at you. We're doin' more double takes than William Zabka. Don't blush; we're totally serious!

Yesterday, we saw you revving your motorcycle and when you brushed your hair out of your eyes, our hearts fluttered. We thought about asking if you'd give us a ride around the block as an excuse to twist our arms around your waist and give a little squeeze. We bet your hair smells earthy, like moss. But, we'll never know: we were too shy so we kept walking. We looked back over our shoulder to get one last glimpse of you but, by then, you'd already sped away.

Today we saw you with your dog in the park and we considered cold steppin'. Unfortunately, we were too flustered. I mean, what would we say? "Hi! My name is Shmitten Kitten. What's yours?" Or maybe, "What kind of dog is that? I think my sister has the same one. We're Shmitten Kitten. What's your name?" Oh God, that sounds stupid, right? I don't know. We'll just continue to admire you from afar. Besides, you probably have a girlfriend and she's probably a Tumblr. *kick at the dirt, cross arms and frown*

Philly, we just wanted you to know that we noticed you. Maybe we'll work up the courage to say "hi" next time. We'll keep an emergency flask of Jack Daniels on our person at all times, should such an occasion arise. You can't ever be too prepared.

*In case you noticed us too, we'll be checking the Missed Connections while we are on our lunch break. We can see it already: "You: A blog about dating. Me: The hot City of Brotherly Love on the bike. Us: Drinks?"

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Bonerkiller: You Are Missing A Prominent Tooth

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you show us your pearly whites and there's a black hole where a white should be, it pretty much murders any boner we might've had for you. Missing a tooth is like the sweatpants of dentistry. It's like the slanket of tooth troubles; it's like if a smile wore Crocs.

Then, we get to wonder what led to this condition. Did you lose a bar fight? Did you run into a stop sign? Did you let it rot away without giving it proper attention? None of these scenarios make you look attractive. As Mystery from The Pick Up Artist would say, missing a prominent tooth is a Demonstration of Lower Value (DLV.)

Can we just pass a Pepsi can around and raise the money for you to fix your mug? You're an adult man! Why are you missing a tooth? You look like a Bumfighter for cryin' out loud. *body shudder*

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The People Have Spoken

Or, at least they clicked on the little box in a makeshift poll on the top of the page. And, it is with great pride that I bring you Jeff the Soda Jerk, Philly's Hottest Nerd. I'll hold for applause.



His ice cream scooping ability scooped up your hearts. Congrats, Jeff. If we had any budget here at Shmitten Kitten headquarters, we'd give you the coveted Golden Glasses trophy. Until we hold a bake sale and make that happen, you'll have to settle for a tricked out Blingee that will serve as a testament to your hot nerdiness.

Thanks to all of the guys who participated; you are all winners in our hearts. And thank you, dear readers, for making this one of the most fun weeks we've had in a while. Long live hot nerds!

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And, The Nominees For Philly's' Hottest Nerd Are...

We were flooded with nerd nominations, but ultimately, we whittled it down to five contenders. We feel that each of these fellas embody something uniquely nerdy about Philly and make this city a radder place. They are passionate, they are smart, and they are ours! Of course, in our eyes, all of these guys are winners, but it's your job to pick one.

You can vote for as many guys as you'd like, but you can only vote once. It's like an SAT question that you don't have to study for. The vote will go until Friday, when we will crown a winner. Read below to meet the nerds.

Honorable mentions go to: weatherman nerd/bow tie aficionado Glenn "Hurricane" Schwartz, tech nerd Brian James Kirk, mayoral nerd Mayor Nutter, vegan sXe nerd Klint Kanopka, blogger blowhard nerd Joey Sweeney, sandwich nerd Ben Kessler, rock 'n' roll nerd Joel Flood, party nerd DJ Deejay, and Web developer nerd JP Toto. Did we miss anyone? Leave your write-in candidates in the comments.

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The A/V Nerd: Mark Schoneveld

Why He's A Nerd: As the main dude on the Internet-only Illadates Show that appeared on Philebrity TV, Mark puts the "working" in social networking. He can be found all over the innnerwebs doing a little of this and a little of that, from hosting a music blog to running a web company for freelance filmmakers to twittering like there ain't no tomorrow (or yesterday, for that matter.) You'll most likely find him haunting around Fishtown joints like JBs and KFN looking to catch good music and documenting it on one of his various outlets.

Why You Should Vote For Him: Just look into those eyes! It's like having your taxes done for you while you're taking a sip of hot cocoa with a cat purring on your lap. He's like if mac 'n' cheese had a mustache and a respectable presence on the Internet.

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The Music Nerd: Questlove

Why He's A Nerd: In true nerd fashion, let's answer the question as a math problem:

Supertalented musician as the drummer of The Roots
+
Knows volumes about music
+
Has the most laid-back personality and the best hair in the biz
+
The ringleader of Jimmy Fallon's house band
+
Makes the most mundane tweets seem interesting
=
One Hot Philly Nerrrd

Why You Should Vote For Him: Could you imagine how amazing he'd be to date? If you had a bad day at work, he'd listen to your rant, nodding along, interjecting with a few, "What??"s and "No she didn't!"s in all the right places. Then he'd pour you some red wine while he dims the lights. He'd play the most perfect jazz records on the stereo. He'd be all like, "Come here, baby. Let me rub your feet." I'm getting really relaxed just thinking about it. I can...barely...type. *snore* Wait, where were we? Oh yeah, dating Questlove. Yeah. We bet it would rule.

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The Nerd's Nerd: Jeff the Soda Jerk

Why He's A Nerd: This is Shmitten Kitten's Kelly Clarkson right here; Jeff is our undiscovered gem. We plucked him from a particularly persuasive reader nomination. Here is what his buddy Thomas had to say about Jeff:

"A significant fraction of his free time is spent browsing UFO videos online. When he's not judging the quality of flashing orb clips, he is linking friends to such lectures as Peter Rusell's "The Primacy of Conciousness" and "The Global Brain," Ernie Kovacs' "Kitchen Symphony," and David Deamer's lecture on DNA protein-sequence melodies.

As a professional soda jerk at The Franklin Fountain, Jeff can not only scoop your ice cream, he can also tell you the history of the ice cream in relation to our nation's founding, at the same time if you wish. (Note: While Jeff is required to wear a bow tie to work, I assure you he would wear one anyways were he not. Also it is not a clip on and that’s worth something.)"

Why You Should Vote For Him: UFOs! Bow ties! Ice cream! Count us the fuck in.

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The Bike/Skate/Web Nerd: Jonathan Finnegan

Why He's A Nerd: Jonathan, aka Haveboard, is a veritable Renaissance nerd. He's got mad skillz, as the kids say. He's like the Bo Jackson of Philly: he can bike, skate, and surf the Web all at the same time. I know, we're impressed too.

Aside from managing a blog about skateboarding, he also built the sites broketape.com and fabrichorse.com. As part of the Philadelphia Bicycle Club, he rides with his crew, Brutaltron. And, he's a Mummer to boot. Schwing!


Why You Should Vote For Him: He's basically a nerd on wheels. Look at that face. Every party should have this guy hanging out, sipping a cocktail and classing up the joint.

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The Inventor Nerd: Ben Franklin

Why He's A Nerd: Look it up on Wikipedia if you don't know.

Why You Should Vote For Him: He is basically the original gangsta of hot Philly nerds. You know how you like scoping dudes out in the library? Yo, Franklin created the first public library. You know how you like gettin' free every weekend under the disco ball? This guy freakin' discovered electricity. That's pretty hot. We owe him for paving the way for future hot nerds everywhere. As Ali G would say, "Respek!"

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Break Out Your Pocket Protector, We're Having Nerd Appreciation Week

We want to shine the spotlight on nerds because they really are one of our favorite kinds of boys to date. Not to get all Jeff Foxworthy about it, but you know you're a nerd if you:

• Have won a science fair (or at least placed in the top three)
• Can type at least five words upside down on a calculator
• Listen to NPR on the reg
• Ever owned and operated a HAM radio
• Requested a chemistry set as a gift when you were a kid
• Can name six different kinds of dinosaurs with relative ease
• Don't laugh at Stephen Hawking jokes (he is a genius! lay off him!)
• Know around 75% of the lyrics to Weezer's Blue Album
  
• Have a prized collection of something, be it VHS '80s horror movies, snow globes, or 7" punk records
  
• Get excited when Q shows up on an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation
• Wear gray New Balance sneakers
  
• Never spend more than $15 on a haircut and don't use any hair products
  
• Subscribe to Wired magazine
• Think being an archeologist would be a cool job
  
• Have an opinion about Kevin Rose
  
• Have had the same best friends, for like, 20 years
  

Nerds are sweet, attentive, and make the best boyfriends. We love 'em! On Monday, we will unveil our candidates for Philly's Hottest Nerd and you guys will vote all next week on the winner. For the next few days, we are going to talk about what kinds of nerds we love, why we love them, and why you should too. Have a favorite kind of nerd? Drop a line to hi@shmittenkittten.com and tell us what kind of nerd blows your hair back.

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Tip Our Hats: You Are One of Philly's Finest!

You are a man in uniform. It's really cool that you care about keeping citizens safe and making this town a better place; we'll salute that. When you whip out your badge to show us that, yes, you are one of Philly's finest, we "ooooh" and "ahhhh" as it catches the light. Flash it again! It's like starring in our own Law & Order episode, but without the "ripped from the headlines" part. As a plus, you know someone that knows someone who can take care of any errant parking tickets. It's awesome! What's not to love about dating a cop?

Just kidding! It's totally a bonerkiller that you are a cop because, seriously, you brought a loaded gun into the bar while you're off-duty. That's just nuts. If anyone else did that, they'd be labeled a domestic terrorist. So, you work five days a week from midnight to 8am? That's really gonna work with our schedule (no, it won't.) Oh, and your offer to stop by our house after every shift just to, "make sure we're safe" just made us do a full body shudder. Spoiler alert: we're not interested in having you borderline stalk us.

The only guys who who look good in a uniform are the Hot Cops from Arrested Development. And you, my dear, are clearly not one of them. Sorry, but we're gonna have to pass on your patrol car ride-along date suggestion. We don't care if this means that you'll tell all of your cop buddies to stop us for going 3mph over the speed limit just 'cause we dissed you; that's the price we'll pay for pretending we never met.

Listen, we love the fact that cops exist in society and protect us, but this one particular cop needed to be locked up in dating jail. Are there hot cops in this town? Have you guys dated any? Is Officer Shady McShaderson an anomaly? Let us know!

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Bonerkiller: Textual Dysfunction

We've already said our piece about guys who text "u" and "r" instead of the whole word and when guys just text you the word, "hey." But lately we've seen some disturbing trends creep into our inbox and it involves complete textual dysfunction. We wish we were making this up, but we received the following two text messages from the same lunatic over the weekend. See if you can spot the number of egregious grammatical errors. The first person to email us at hi@shmittenkitten.com with the number of errors wins a prize.

• Hey know gossip but everthing i said i mean i def want 2 see y
  
• Hey phillies home 0pener yea do y like baseball

Yes, he put a zero instead of the letter "o" AND he mistook the letter "y" for the letter "u." Twice. They aren't even on the same key! Reading his texts are like slurping alphabet soup while on acid. Not to swing the grammar hammer too hard, but what kind of adult confuses the word "know" with the word, "no?" There's too much failure going on in these texts for us to comprehend it.

Men of Philadelphia, we cannot emphasize the importance of sound textiquette enough. Any chance you had of being seen with us in public has evaporated because of these misfires. Did you get that? Maybe it'd be easier if we translated the sentiment into your language:

Hey know g0ssip but we r knot gonna c y ever again

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Bonerkiller: Hygiene Boycotters

There are three types of hygiene boycotters we've encountered:

1. The Betting Man
He has made a bet with two or more friends to see who can go the longest without showering. Accordingly, he has given little, if any thought to how this will impact your relationship. When you make a scrunched up face at his rampant BO, he just shrugs. This hygiene boycott is the worst because the more you protest it, the more fun the contest becomes for him. Suddenly he's not just an unshowered dude, now he's an unshowered dude who will command the respect of his peers for not giving an eff what you think. How charming.

2. The Hippy Dippy
Newsflash: your gel crystal rock natural deodorant from Whole Foods is not effective. We can still smell you AND we can see your massive sweat stains under your pits. May we suggest a little product called Speed Stick. It's not expensive. Try it.

3. The Flat Out Denier
He refuses to acknowledge that he smells bad. In fact, he will argue with you if you ask him to shower before your date to a fancy restaurant. Does his nose not work? What, is he the Wicked Witch of the West and he is afraid of melting if he gets wet? Why does he resist the cleaning process so much? How can he be so unconcerned with our olfactory sense? We have fantasies about leaving a trail of Miller High Lifes to the shower and when he drinks the last one, we'll just push him in and turn on the faucet. We're not kidding; it has become that dire. Hey, buddy! You smell like a tuna can. Please stop smelling like a tuna can. That'd be great.

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Bonerkiller: Love Lockdowners

You are interested in being my boyfriend. I can tell because within thirty minutes of meeting me you have planned out our entire relationship, which you are eager to outline.

• On our first date, you will take me out for a nice dinner.
  
• On our second date, I'll make you dinner.
  
• On our third date, I'll help you pick out a cat.
  
• On our fourth date, I'll go with you to Target and we'll buy a chaise lounge for your living room.
  
• On our fifth date, we'll go to a pool party at your brother's house where I'll meet your family.
  
• On our sixth date, we'll get married.

Wait, what? I haven't even decided what I'm going do in the next hour and you've already decided on our future children's names. In the time it took to swig a pint, he's put a deposit down on our honeymoon vacation, now has me listed me as his emergency contact at work and has tweaked his will to make sure that I am the sole inheritor of his prized baseball card collection. Talking to you is like watching the final montage sequence of Six Feet Under where we see how all the characters die. Slow down there, Guy. Your rush to lock me in as your future bride is giving me whiplash.

I'm glad you have this all worked out considering that you don't know my last name or how tall I am because I haven't moved from the barstool since you introduced yourself. Although it's flattering that you'd like to be legally bound to me in holy matrimony, your zealousness rocketed from "enchanting" to "alarming" in record time. Uh, no thanks.

Oh, and I'm totally not helping you pick out a cat.

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Store Frontin', Check It And See

We've created a Shmitten Kitten store featuring t-shirts and tote bags that we've whipped up. Let me know what you think of 'em and if there are any designs that you'd like to see. Here is a sample of what you'll find:



We tried to keep the prices as low as we could and we made an effort to offer a variety of items at different price points. All of the money raised off these babies will go into a fund for us to create cooler things for you guys down the line. With your help, a Shmitten Kitten branded flamethrower could become a possibility in the near future. Support us! Look cute! Do both at the same time! Thanks, we totally appreciate it.

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Philly, Talk Nerdy To Me!

In anticipation of our upcoming Nerd Appreciation Week, we are looking for Philly's Hottest Nerd*. Does he have an elaborate filing system for his record collection? We wanna hear about him! Does he wear wacky bow ties to work? Bring it! Does he read books about astronomy in his spare time? Let us know! All kinds of nerds will be considered; music nerds, science nerds, film nerds, design nerds, math nerds, bike nerds, literature nerds, rap nerds, tech nerds, you name it! It's gonna be nerds galore up in here.

Send all nominations to us at hi@shmittenkitten.com with the subject line: "Nerrrd Alert." In addition to a short description of why he should be crowned Philly's Hottest Nerd, send along a photo or link to his Web site. He may never have been coronated prom king, but now he has a chance to rule Shmitten Kitten High!

*Sorry, but geeks, dorks, dweebs and spazzes will not be considered.

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