Here Are The Top 5 Shmitten Kitten Posts From 2010

Now THIS is a top 5!

Looking over the past year, these posts stood out in their own ways.

1. The Most Commented Post: Story Time: Your Worst Date In Six Words. At 176 comments, it's been our most talked about post ever. I still re-read it from time to time when I want a good laugh.

2. Post Most Shared on Facebook: You Know What I Hate/Like? With over 675 shares on the ol' 'book this hilarious collection of .gifs tickled the most funny bones. [Update: Be Honest now has the most FB shares ever, clocking in at over 700 as I type this. That's just insane, you guys.]

3. The Dumbest Fight in the Comments: Let Me Get This Straight: THAT Is His New Girl? Pfffffft Who knew a tiny BOGO joke could get so many panties in a bunch?

4. The Post That Had The Most Single Hits: Be Honest. I have no idea why this little silly diagram attracted hundreds of thousands of eyeballs, but it did.

5. The Post That Was The Most Fun To Write: It's a tie! I Feel I Failed To Impress You When I Kept My Fucking Cool and I Feel I Failed To Impress You When I Ordered Such A Fantastic Dinner For Us. I love those stupid posts like they're my own pixilated children.

And, here are a few personal favorites that still make me smile:

• I Love Love Love Guys That Listen to the Misfits
• I Love Love Love Guys That Wear Plaid Shirts  
• Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Hand-Washed Dishes
• Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His Kitchen Sponge
• Bonerkiller: Knocking Shit Off My Nightstand While I'm Trying To Sleep
• Bonerkiller: Road Ragers
• Things That Make Me A Bad Boyfriend: I Will Move To Portland After We Break Up 

Thanks for a radical 2010, you guys. Can't wait to kiss 2011 on the lips. With tongue. Haha. Ewww.

xoxo,
Anna

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Pics and Vids: "Women: Facts A Man May Or May Not Know."

This guy Jay is kicking the knowledge about chicks 'n' shit in this video titled "Women: Facts A Man May Or May Not Know." It's like he's swiped a backstage pass to how women think. He knows his shit, yo. It's amazing!




NAAAMBERRR THREEEEEEE!!! What a jabroni.

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Sidekicked

What a goddam piece of work, this guy. Cool scowl, dude. Give me five minutes with him and I'd turn that frown upside down. I'd wrestle him on his kitchen floor and tickle his armpits until he'd beg me to stop inbetween fits of laughter.

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I Love Love Love Guys Who Suggest Taking A Photobooth Picture On Our Date

I cannot believe that these people are peers

I love it when he suggests we take a photobooth picture together. I'm always up for it. We'll squeeze into the photobooth and fish out a few raggedy singles, feeding them into the machine. Then we'll make funny faces for the first two shots and more lovey-dovey ones for the last two. Of course we'll stay put for another session so we'll each get a strip.

When the pictures are ready, we'll review 'em together, cracking up at the funnier shots and cooing over the cuter ones. He'll let me pick which strip I wanna keep and he'll gladly snap up the other one.

Let me tell you, I will hold onto that picture strip forever. It's the cockroach of dating memorabilia; it will make my shoebox cut no matter what. I have a whole stack of them chillin' there right now. They're like paint chip samples but instead of a variety of colors, they're pictures of me in a variety of first date outfits.

Sorry to switch gears here, but is it just me or does Danny Russo and his gf look like Mary Jo Letourneau and her student/lover dude? Not to be too dramatic, but looking at this is making me feel weird about life and my feelings about The Karate Kid in general. See? It's creepy, right?

Where was I? Oh yeah. Guys who wanna take a photobooth picture on a date. They rule. And stuff.

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Pick One, Any One

I'm gonna go with "something but nothing."

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I Will Accept This Awkward Car Hug BUT I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT

The taut seatbelt straps that get in the way, the discomfort of twisting your torso around, the strain as you reach to give it: awkward car hugs are the pits. Sure, I'll accept one from him because what am I gonna do, make him get out of the car and give me a proper hug like a good citizen? No, I'll accept the car hug, but man, I wish I could operate in a car hug-free society.  

Shlooby Kitten knows what I'm talking about. Shlooby Kitten always knows.

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Now THIS Is Some Armpit Hair I Can Get Behind

I'm so pleased with this development because a guy's armpit hair is always a crapshoot. You never know what you're gonna get.

Maybe it'll be thick and smelly, like Paul Bunyan's pubes. Or, maybe he won't have any at all; his skin will just be totally hairless and slightly damp, like a cat's nose.

But him, he's got the perfect armpit hair composition. Thin, wispy, soft: This is some Grade A armpit hair, my friend. This is God's armpit hair.

I wanna snuggle up in it and weave it into tiny braids. I wanna make a stuffed animal out of it and give it to a sick child. I wanna kiss kiss kiss it and whisper Laffy Taffy jokes to it and be best buds with that lovely perfect tuft. His awesome armpit hair is excellent news. Just excellent!

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No Joke

This is the face I make when I hear that he doesn't like to date taller girls.

Haha. Awwwww.

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Question: Based On This Jacket, Where Do You Think He Would Take You On Your First Date?

My guess: We'll grab dinner at his favorite Ethiopian spot then make a quick stop to a bodega to snag a few 40s to bring to his friend's art opening in a West Philly warehouse. What's your guess? Leave 'em in the comments.

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Pretty Cool Dude

He seems like a chill guy. I'd listen to records and drink beers in his living room, for sure. Hell, if he showed me enough funny YouTube videos and had pleasant breath, I'd probably even let him get to second base.

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Date Night, BOYEEEEE!

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Well, This Is A Collar Tugger

Cough*me and the guy that plays Al Capone on Boardwalk Empire*cough

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Are You Experienced?

Talk about casting a wide net.

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Question: Are You Following Shmitten Kitten Across All Internet Channels?

'Cause you should. Think of all the different ways we could brighten your day!

• Shmitten Kitten on Bloglovin'
• Shmitten Kitten on Facebook
• Shmitten Kitten on Twitter

It'll be like this, but instead of glittery sparkles, it'll be funny shit about dating.

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Pics and Vids: Love Means "Trying To Put [Your] Jazz All Up In Stuff"

Helpful Figures lives up to its name as it breaks down exactly what love is. Double-click on the image to make it bigger for maximum enjoyment.

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Pics and Vids: "And That's Why Magicians Never Get Second Dates"

If you're a magician and you wanna know how to pick up women, then this video is for you. It's called "Flirting with Magic," and it'll probably be the best two minutes you'll spend watching magicians picking up women today. It's slightly NSFW because of a brief bra shot. I have a feeling that the Alliance is going to frown on that.



I especially like the little kid in the Israeli army hat at the end. He's a terrific reminder to use birth control when you're hooking up with magicians. Thanks, dudes!

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So, Like, What's His Deal?

Haha. First-year roommate. Brilliant. 

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Flippin' Our Shades at Eric Smith

Meet Eric Smith. Aside from running Geekadelphia and teaching at a few universities across Philly, he's also a proud bunny daddy. Look at him feeding one! So cute, right? He just finished his first novel, Textual Healing which everyone is buzzing about. I asked him a few hard-hitting questions to see what he loves about this town and what he loves about love. 

Eric and his bunny

1. What's your idea of a perfect Philly date?
Since Philadelphia is the perfect walking city, my ideal Philly date takes place all around town: A walk through Center City down to Old City, a stroll around the historic homes, and then back up towards Rittenhouse Square. Depending on the time / day of the week, maybe we'd drop by Reading Terminal Market to snap up some fresh produce for a picnic down at Washington Square, or swing by DiBruno's for a similar outing in Rittenhouse Square or even Schuylkill River Park. Or if you feel like walking a little more, we could go up towards Kelly Drive and Fairmount Park. Yes, I'd walk that.

Bottom line, a perfect date is being outside and enjoying the city's scenery. Consequently, I get along with girls who wear sneakers.

2. What do most guys do wrong when they're out with a girl?
Hmm. This is tough for me, considering I'm one of those guys who does everything right. (You missed it. I just winked and snapped my fingers whilst making a pointing gesture.)

Anyway, I've noticed that guys can talk about themselves way too much. I've made that mistake a few times. If only I could go back in time and tell past Eric not to do that. It's the year 2010, Past Eric. Chances are she's Googled you already, pal. Or Facebook lurked you. As interesting as you think you are, why not try listening?

3. What's the worst thing a girl can do on a date?
Wear the same shoes as me. Oh no you DI'N'T, girl. ONE of us is going to have to go home and change, and it isn't going to be me.

4. Tell us a secret!
Sometimes, if I know a girl wants to go to a movie that looks like it might be sad, I'll watch it first to ensure I get all the tears out of my system. Pixar movies are an emotional landmine. You can't be too careful. Did you see Toy Story 3? I saw it for the third time with my girlfriend and alas, my tactic failed.

5. Where's the most romantic place in Philly?
I'll give you one of my favorites: standing over the water on Waterworks, looking out towards Boathouse Row. I love that view.

6. What would you put on a mix tape for a girl that you liked?
That's a tough one. Probably some Third Eye Blind, Gin Blossoms, The Format, Nada Surf, Jimmy Eat World, the Wallflowers; some of my fave alternative stuff mixed with a little indie. 

You can pick up Eric Smith's first novel Textual Healing here. 

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Bonerkiller: Chronic Hair Fussers

Not to sound uppity, but I don't want a high-maintenance guy and his constant touch-ups every time we pass any kind of reflective surface is getting old. We can barely make our way through H&M because he's stopping at every mirror re-positioning his mop top. Dude! Quit it.
 
Honestly, I hate seeing him care about his hair like this. He'll study himself in the mirror, making sure each wiry hair is in perfect position. First, he'll tilt his chin down and move his head from side to side. Then, he'll lift his chin up, examining his hair from all angles.

The funny thing is that it doesn't look super great to begin with so it's not like making constant contact with it is doing that much, styling-wise. It's raggedy black hair that he hasn't washed in four days, just leave it alone.

I'm standing there with my arms crossed as he twists and preens his stupid hair every ten minutes. We have been walking indoors; don't worry, your precious hair looks exactly the same as it did five minutes ago. After about half a day hanging out with him, I'd gladly give him up to $8 to just toss a fucking hat on and call it a freakin' day.

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Pics and Vids: Quick Question

Is this the perfect dude or the most perfect dude ever?



Answer: NEITHER! It's a trick question because he's actually THE MOST PURRRRFECT DUDE EVER. He's Michael Cera's spirit animal and this is his class picture for Adorable College. (He majored in Curling Up At The Foot Of Your Bed and minored in Paw Licking.)

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Things In His House That Make Me Sad: His "Wet Bar"

No funny fishes here. Frown.

I'm putting wet bar in quotes because while he advertised that he had a wet bar back at his place fully stocked with whiskey, vodka, rum, and gin, it turned out that his "wet bar" was just a half-dozen dusty bottles under his sink. HIS motherfucking SINK! This is no bar. I felt SWINDLED with this bar description!

I was genuinely excited that he'd have a some kind of home bar set up. I thought, where on earth did this guy get a bar? Did he inherit it? Did he win it on the Price is Right? Did he salvage it from a sidewalk sale? I pushed those questions aside and happily schlepped to his house with visions of exotic mixers dancing in my head.

I hoped he would have something a cool uncle would have tucked into the corner of his den. I expected shticky barware and an array of shiny strainers and bottle openers. Maybe there'd be tiny umbrellas to perch on the rim. Maybe there'd be a wooden stool so I could cross my legs and flash him a smile while he shook out a few martinis. Maybe there'd be that novelty singing fish mounted on the wall like Tony Soprano had. Maybe there'd be a tikki cocktail mixer like Mrs. Robinson used in the Graduate. I couldn't wait to see it.

But, sadly, no. None of these things were present. My bar dreams were DASHED as soon as he opened the cabinet door under his sink: "Here it is!" he proclaimed boldly. My face couldn't hide my disappointment. WHAT A ROUSE!

"So, what's your poison? I can make whatever you want on the rocks. Haha." Yup, laugh it up. There weren't even any mixers! Sorry, but ice doesn't count as a mixer. 

The only bar here is my bar for dating guys without a bar, and I refuse to lower it. His "bar" gets an F and we all know that spells BARF, which is frankly, what I wanna do when he asked if I wanted a drink from under his shitty sink.

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The Shmitten Kitten Holiday Party Is Happening TONIGHT!

I wanna see your face at our holiday party tonight



girls, get ready



boys, get ready




round up your homies



check out all the hot guys and girls



we're gonna party



and party



and party



and party



and party



and party



and party



and party



with half-off draft beer from 10-11



and $4 Snowjobs from 11-midnight



we'll drink



and drink


maybe too much but whatever



Have plans to go to a boring party? Skip it.



Swing by our party instead



It's from 10pm-2am at Tattooed Mom's. Facebook invite shit is here.

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Pics and Vids: What A Cute Couple!

Oh.

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Boxerdropper: I Have Hot Friends

While he may initially think that he's just dating me, after a few weeks it will become apparent that I am in fact part of a set, like a Bratz doll. And, like a Bratz doll, I own several pairs of bootcut pleather pants.

Just kidding.

What I'm getting at is that like a Bratz doll, I have several attractive, available female friends that like to party. Unlike a Bratz doll, they're live human beings who are the most radical people I know.

He'll be the hero of his homeboy's house party when I walk in with my crew of single girls for his friends to chat up. He'll be the man of the hour at his softball game having so many pretty girls cheer his buddies on. My friends will be psyched to go to meet some new guys*, and his friends will pumped to meet some new girls. Everyone wins!


*sidenote: This is provided that his dude friends meet my girlfriends' specifications of having cool hair and impressive record collections. If his friends don't meet this standard, then this offer is null and void.

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This Friday: $4 Snowjobs at Our Holiday Party

The kind folks at Tattooed Mom's gave us our very own signature cocktail for our party this Friday. We're calling this magical elixir a snowjob.

What's a snowjob? If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Oh my god, I'm so excited for this.

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Bonerkiller: Worrywarts

"What if we get caught? What if we get kicked out? What if we--"
"Dude, it'll be fine. Just relax and follow my lead."
"But, what if--"
"It'll be fine, I promise you. Please stop worrying. Here, have some of this beer."
"I can't believe you snuck a beer into a movie theather. You're totally gonna get in trouble for that."

UGH! I hate worrywarts. His "about me" section on Facebook should say, "I am terrified of everything." He hates spontaneity and detests any kind of rule breaking which makes me want to mess with him even more.

I'm like the Rayanne to his Angela Chase, constantly egging him on to do more zany things. (Well, zany stuff for well-adjusted adults, like taking two free samples at Whole Foods or parking your car in a spot designated for CVS Customers when you run in to grab a coffee at the Starbucks next door.) None of these things are "bad," but he acts horrified, like I'm trying to sell meth to school kids.

He can't enjoy the moment because he's constantly fretting about what will happen next. This is the exact opposite of how I am. As an impulsive person who enjoys seeing how much I can get away with, his constant constant hand-wringing is cramping my style. I want a partner-in-crime, not a partner-in-whine. Get the memo!

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Quick Rant: Dude, Step Away From The Bench Press

I've become accustomed to his bony knees and sharp elbows. He's frail, like a baby bird which I'm totally okay with. In fact, I like it.

So, it's annoying when he suddenly decides that he wants to get his pump on at the gym and bulk up. Week by week I'll notice his progress. I'll frown a bit when his spaghetti arms begin to take on definition.

"Check out my guns," he'll say as he flexes in the mirror. He'll beam as his tiny biceps pop up in thick knots. Oh, I'm checking them out all right. And, mentally, I'm checking out too.

Some guys just look better skinny. If I wanted to date a gorilla juicehead, I wouldn't have bothered with his scrawny ass in the first place. Step away from the bench press. Drop that dumbbell. And, for the love of god, put away the protein shake. I have two words for him: CARROT TOP. See? Not everyone should be allowed in the weight cage. 

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Pics and Vids: Slow And Low

Not to brag, but I've held a lot of guys' hands. By no means am I an expert. Like, I'm not a black belt hand-holder, but if they gave belts for hand-holding skill levels, I'm confident that my belt would have a color. Probably blue.

However. I have never held a guy's hand this way while walking down the street sippin' my morning joe.



Question: Is this a viable way to hold a guy's hand? Have you ever done it?

Second question: Does looking at Taylor Swift give Jake Gyllenhaal a lovey-dovey half-nelson make you wanna puke or not?

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ONE WEEK FROM TODAY: SHIT WILL GET REAL AT OUR HOLIDAY PARTY

Our holiday party at Tattooed Mom's is happening in one week. The entire SK crew is gonna represent. We're gonna have some treats and shit 'cause we love you. And, we'll have drink specials from 10-12, but the good vibes will go all night long. It's totally free but you gotta be 21+. Sorry, youth of America. Click here, Facebookers.

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Real Talk: His Ex Is Awesome

From Jessica, who hates to admit it, but his ex seems pretty rad.

I love some harmless ex-girlfriend bashing. Sorry, but it can make me feel better sometimes. It's easy when there's clear cut reason that they broke up, i.e. his ex was a total bitch or just a straight-up loser. But sometimes it's a little jarring when his ex-gf is cool. And no matter how hard you try, you can't find anything wrong with her. And it sucks!

I admit it's shallow but I like to think that my boy is taking a step up in the dating pool by dating me. Sure, I can tell myself he's with me now because he likes me more. I'm funny, smart, and pretty damn cute! I win! Right? Sometimes it doesn't really feel that way.

I'm not a particularly jealous person, but damn, his ex-gf is freaking awesome. She's a scuba diving instructor. She saved orphans in Uganda. She ran two dozen marathons in one month. She's trained wild horses. She models on the side but donates all her earnings to animal shelters. She was on the production staff for Tron. Me? Well let's see....I drank too much at an office happy hour last week and puked in my cubicle.

My one consolation is that she's a demon who cheated on him, right? Wrong. "They just weren't meant to be" and had an amicable split. Well at least we can hate her for her "holier than thou" attitude, right? Wrong. She's actually super sweet. And funny. What the fuck. I'm begging her to do something bitchy. Kick a kitten or something so I can have a reason to hate her already.

I have to keep my insecurities in check and take it as a compliment that he's dating me after her. Obviously there must be something awesome and special about me that he sees. But I really wish she would trip a grandmom or shove a poor kid down a slide a la A Christmas Story. It would just make me feel better!

This sort of happened to me a while ago, but it was with my ex's new girl. I was still upset about our breakup and it was doubly upsetting to see him find love so quickly. I had a few friends in common with the new girl and all I'd hear about was how amazing she was and how much we'd get along if only we met. I was like, "FUCK THAT! I never want to meet her." I avoided them at all costs. If I heard that they'd be at a party, I wouldn't go. If I heard that they were going to see a band play, I'd refuse to attend the show. It was horrible.

I'd been avoiding them for about a year when my friend invited me to go to a dinner party with him. After he picked me up, I asked who else was gonna be there and he said her name followed quickly with, "It's not a big deal. Honestly, it'll be fine." I tried to keep my panic in check. As soon as we walked into the party, she gave me a warm hug. She gushed about how excited she was for us to finally meet. Guys, I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. She was clearly the bigger person here and I'll never forget how welcome she made me feel. All of my anxiety about her instantly evaporated. It's funny; I don't talk to the guy anymore, but I'm still friends with her! Some girls are just unhateable. That's science.

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Quick Rant: It's December And He's Still Wearing Shorts

From Erin, who doesn't wanna see his gams right now. I mean, come on! It's fucking cold out.

Haha. They changed North Face to Fuck Face.

Listen dude, I don't care how hot it can get on the 6 train during rush hour, there is no reason to wear stupid khaki shorts in NYC in the middle of December, especially paired with a puffy North Face jacket. He looks like an uneven grape.

His athlete's foot-looking Adidas flip-flops with the massaging sole don't help the situation. We're not on vacation in Cancun, and even if we were, his outfit would still feel mildly embarrassing.

I wanna know what motivates these guys to look like complete idiots. Are they afraid that their thighs look fat when paired with some nice Dickies or Dockers? Do they ride a specialized bike with a chain on both sides that keeps ripping holes in those Levi's? WHYYYY?

No, I think they are just trying to prove a nonsensical point about how tough they are when it's 7 degrees, the wind is biting into their kidneys and the snow has found it's way into the spaces between their toes. Yup, that's tough kid, real tough.

 Word.

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Bonerkiller: You Are Way Too Intense About Christmas

Clearly the date has gone well. We've been flirting back and forth all night and now we're finally at the door to her apartment for a Holiday nightcap. The room was dark as she casually reached over to flip the light switch and..

SWEET BABY JESUS IN A MANGER! IT'S LIKE A NUCLEAR CHRISTMAS-BOMB WENT OFF IN HERE!

I don't know what I'm more scared of: the Christmas tree that is roughly the size of a Manhattan studio apartment, the life-size singing Rudolph inflatable, or the fact that literally every square inch of the halls are decked out with Christmas lights.

Now it all starts to come together: her insistence on the peppermint mocha latte at Starbucks, driving the long way to dinner to look at the holiday lights, quickly changing the radio to the Christmas station when we got in her car. She's a Christmas fanatic! Santa himself doesn't give this much of a fuck about Christmas.

There's something inherently creepy about an adult who's way too into Christmas. I'm all about getting festive for the holidays, but she's taking it to a whole new unhinged level. It's like some part of her got trapped as a mental six-year-old and she's not able to let go.

I don't mean to be a Scrooge on this one, but I think Christmas should be enjoyed, like all things, in moderation. Leave the craziness and the mayhem for the kids. Anyone who disagrees can take it up with me in person. I'll be at Target at 11:00pm on Christmas Eve buying iTunes gift cards like I do every year.

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I Love Love Love His Hidden Circus Talents

From Liz, who likes it when he busts out a juggle from time to time.

Jugglers do it with their balls in the air

When I first met this guy, he was reserved and quiet. He didn't speak up much in groups and seemed a little deer-in-the-headlights-ish when I spoke to him. But since I too am a Squirrel Whisperer, I knew it was only a matter of time before he revealed his true self.

So I was delighted when he unveiled his alter-ego: an adorably talented circus performer. After admitting that his first job was as a kids' gymnastics teacher, he executed a perfect roundoff in the street outside the bar. Then he casually mentioned doing a backflip later. Holy shit, dude! Not just anyone can do a backflip. That's a talent normally reserved for dolphins and tiny, muscular females.

Is he secretly Dominique Dawes? (Please forgive the outdated gymnastics reference.) Thankfully, this guy is neither a sea-dwelling mammal nor a 1990s floor routine expert; he's a normal sized human male who can apparently twist his body into impressive contortions!

Then next layer of his squirreliness (squirrelitude?) peeled away the day we went to the grocery store together. I asked him to grab me a few clementines, and from across the produce section I saw him toss three into the air and juggled 'em for a few seconds before dropping them. His sheepish smile as he jogged over to pick up the fruit melted my heart. He looked like a puppy, you know how they sit and then get up and then sit again and wag their tails, because they're just too eager to impress you? His juggling skills were just his way of saying that beneath the squirrely exterior lies a guy with talents and abilities to spare.

Dudes, your hidden circus-like talents knock my socks off. Biggest ladyboner ever. While I struggle with sun salutation and downward dog, you have physical abilities that the general public can only dream of. Let me know when you want to come over and...ahem...practice stretching?

It's funny because I actually stand on the other side of the circus talents debate. I gotta say, my favorite kind of tumbler is the kind full of whiskey and ice. However, the way you described him juggling at the supermarket did make my icy heart melt too. It's pretty cute in a Tom-Hanks-in-Big sorta way. I'll give you that.

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Things In His House That Make Me Glad: Cable TV

OMFG, HDTV! Seeing a dude who has cable TV is like winning the couch potato lotto. So many channels. So many shows. So many options. It's mesmerizing. It's like your fun options have quadrupled just because he has that cable box.

Wanna watch "The Mighty Boosh" on Adult Swim? Done. Or "Top Chef All-Stars" so you can marvel at how someone like Stephen exists? Go for it. Fuck, you can even watch the sorta-interesting new David Cross show on IFC about him going to Britain and acting like a dimwit. No one is watching it, but now you can if you want 'cause he has the channel. Success!

After dating tons of guys who've had the absolute worst television options imaginable, it's a downright delight to see his huge cable package. Who wants to slum it up by going back to the guy who only watches Netflix on Demand on his computer over his crackly Internet connection? Yeah right. Not this boob tuber. I wanna feel his powerful remote in my hand and I wanna bathe in the glorious light from a Showtime Original Series show. 

Cable TV, FUCK YEAH!

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